Some observations on growing up with AS, with an AS dad

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Recently I've thought back at the time I grew up because of what has happened the last few months. I'm 32 and my dad is 60, and my dad has spent most of my adult life as an alcoholic, and our family collapsed when I was a teenager. This spring he really freaked me out by walking around town crying in public, wanting me to tell him "good night" every night and crying about how his relationship with his girlfriend didn't work out. Naturally, it's traumatic watching your dad present such a pitiful side. When he went into drug rehab for the third time, he tried to explain away his recent behaviour and blamed it all on his girlfriend, it was so shocking to watch him not take responsibilty for anything. I then decided that I've had enough of him - I thought back at my childhood and realized I had always had a child for a father, with the emotional level of a 10-year old. I've recalled so many times during my childhood where he's acted like a child and failed to be a grown man. So I sent him a letter and told him what I thought of him, pointed out that he's a loser since he started out with so much yet lost it all, and that I never wanted anything to do with him again.

I've got an older half sister without AS who really didn't turn out well - repeated criminal offender, two children not in her custody, dependent on sedatives etc etc. I've always thought the explanation was that her biological dad left her with bad genes, but lately I've realized that it might have even more to do with my dad's parenting, how he could never take care of anything and not provide any emotional stability. It made me realize just how bad parents people with AS can be, even though there won't be any visible abuse, there might be something to that CADD problem that researcher whose name I forgot has launched, emotional deprivation.

Anyway, I also realized that I've suffered a bit myself from his parenting - he's tried to cover up his lack of social and emotional functioning by having a family where he can pretend his shortcomings don't exist. Ever since my teens, when he went into drug rehab the first time, the relationship has felt so unnatural, yet he's kept on trying to keep in touch with me. I've realized he's been looking for comfort all along, either through alcohol or by exposing his family to a dysfunctional personality, convincing himself there is no problem since he can maintain a relationship. For all of my adult life, I've wondered what the point is with me seeing him and have just wanted to get away from him, but he's been quite persistent in trying to be in my life. At times when I've left the phone at home while gone for only 2 hours, I've had 5-6 missed phone calls from him, it's driven me mad how obsessive he is.

It's dawned on me that there's nothing normal about our collapsed family, and that there's a reason it fell apart - him, his inability to function and his attempts to pretend that things are fine, when they aren't. I've realized I've never had a father figure, but instead I've had a child all along in this spot. I got plenty of love when I was a child of course, but he never attempted to understand parenting, he probably just wanted someone that could supply his mental world, I remember my mom criticizing him a lot over this when I grew up. I can't believe how on a daily basis he pulled the same jokes my way to have someone that would enable him to feel like he was funny, and I looked up to him until my late teens, when he became a drunk, lost the house, the job, got a DUI etc, when I suddenly realized I had no one to depend on, and my mom had become quite burned out from caring for three children.

I sure hope he lets me go now that I've sent him that letter, even though I'm his lifeline, but I fear he might disregard it and pretend I'm still a child and that I don't really mean those words. The other day I went to a sports event, and when I left it, my dad was there - you can bet he knew I'd be there. Feels like I've got on a stalker on me now. Having him in my head feels so toxic to me, yet he still wants me in his life so he can pretend things are fine, and he's probably selfish enough not to care about how it affects me. He's got no self esteem whatsoever, I caught him reading a book called "Don't compare yourself to others", and he's always looking for the easiest way to stay afloat, which is probably why my mom left him when I was like 16, and I moved with her.

Hmm, not sure how coherent this turned out, just felt like recent events made it necessary for me to write about it, to silence the emotional turmoil. It might be food for thought for parents with AS, though I think it applies almost exclusively to men. All good parents should contemplate whether their parenting might be toxic to their children. Instead, my dad had a motto for all problems: "It'll work out". This "working out" meant I started my adult life completely broke, with two alcoholized, unemployed parents.

It's kind of funny that it's only the last few years that I've realized what an abnormal family we were, and the last few months that I've realized just who was at fault. He on the other hand has pretended it was my mom and my half-sister.

Hope my dad leaves me alone now and I can forget about him. My sister sees a shrink regularly, guess her not being on the autistic spectrum made her more vulnerable to the parenting deficencies - I didn't understand much at all when I grew up, the picture of the family dynamics I had back then was so simplified, I simply thought my parents had consumed too much liqour and became alcoholized because of that.

Sorry your family life was so messy. I don't pretend to understand everything you have gone through, but I can sympathize on at least two levels:

1. I think most people reach a stage where they look back at their childhood and realize, "Wow, my family was really weird. Not the normal people I thought we were." You don't realize that as a kid because your family is all you really know. Then you get out on your own and your perspective changes.

2. I definitely went through a period (and am still somewhat going through it) where my parents lost my respect. Sometimes they act more like children than adults, and I find that I must be the mature one with them.

Nobody is perfect. Not even parents.

Holy s**t, I think we have the same dad.
Seriously, minus the alcohol abuse and the girlfriend, I HAVE THE EXACT SAME SITUATION.

And your platitudes piss me off, Mom_of_Lucas, because
a. you're implying that it's HIS fault he doesn't respect his father, when his father has done nothing to show his son respect,
and
b. the whiny ass "nobody is perfect" line. My dad's siblings and father have been using that goddamn excuse ever since my mom first came to his dad and told him she suspected he had Aspergers. THERE WAS NEVER ANY ATTEMPT TO MAKE HIM STOP HURTING US, just attempts to cover his ass and keep up the guise that he has a big happy holy Catholic family, even though all of my dad's 8 siblings show autistic traits, as well as many of my cousins, and that they keep hitting roadblocks that they could avoid if they understood more about autism and didn't try to pray it all away and leave it for God to fix.

Fedaykin, I am sorry to hear you've had such a difficult life so far, and I hope that you can reach a better place for yourself. I'm not even going to try to comment on if that should or should not include your father; I have no idea on that. My comments here are going to be more general, to some of the broader issues your post brought up, rather than the specific issues of your life. But do know that I feel for you and if you need to talk it out on this thread, I hope you will be comfortable doing so.

The whole topic in this thread gets difficult. My family wasn't perfect, but it wasn't that bad, either. My dad was able to keep it all together, but he could be emotionally abusive at times.

The truth is, there really are no perfect families and an NT parent could just as easily make these mistakes as an AS parent. That is really where I see the whole Cassandra disorder thing failing; it implies that if there is an AS partner, it is all pretty much always the AS partner's fault. I really do not see that as being true.

Of course we, as the grown kids, are going to try to figure out WHAT was wrong in order to not repeat it. In my family, I would say that it was NOT my father's AS, but his inability to take out his frustrations in an appropriate way. So, that is what we work on in our home, as a family: expressing our frustrations in a way that does not do physical or emotional damage to those around us.

It is actually my NT daughter that has the temper and inability to filter her words; my AS son used to, as part of his meltdowns, but the more we understand his AS and help him control his environment, the less he has meltdowns. As long as he can stay out of sensory overload, he can apply the rules we've taught him for expressing frustration.

I think it was hard for our parent's generation because so much was expected of them and so little understood about the natural way of different individuals. Without the proper explanations and understanding, I can see how someone like my son could have turned into someone like the father in the first post. While that doesn't excuse it or the damage it has done, it is important for parents to understand, so that their children don't face that sort of a future.

I don't honestly believe things have to be that way. And it's my job as a parent to set it all right for my children and their children. No wonder parenting is such a daunting task. But, heck, if I can earn a B when all is said and done I think I'll have done a fantastic job.

For the record, despite his bad points, my AS dad earned a B.

Chizpurfle52595: Your remarks somewhat offended me. I didn't mean to be flippant. So let me clarify my intentions for you and everyone else: I was merely sympathizing with some of what Fedaykin described. I'm NT, and it's in my nature to try to relate to people however I can. When I'm upset, it helps me tremendously when others say "I understand" even if they don't totally get it. I was just trying to do the same thing.

I never implied it's Fedaykin's fault he doesn't respect his father. I never implied it's my own fault I struggle with that issue with my own dad. And though it's hard to read tone from an email, I assure you my ass did no whining when I typed "nobody is perfect."

My dad is very AS but I harbour no ill feeling toward him. He is very much responsible, and cautious person for the most part. Ok he does clepto things the street like rubber bands, traffic cones and hi-visibility jackets. But people dump them there, if they don't want them to go missing they shouldn't just leave them there in the road, and I’m not talking about when they are any works happening.

There are too many traits to mention but are some:

Not knowing he is in your way.

Being stubborn as a mule.

Wearing loads of layers of clothes in doors, including jackets, which he rarely takes off. He actually wears several layers of thermal underwear plus long john’s in case you need to know . He often goes round with a dish towel over his shoulder, even when he is not cooking. Both me an him wear the same clothes a lot of the time except, he his lees like to bother putting on washed or different clothes when going out, though that is sometime not the case I’m actually more disorganised than him.

He is *constantly* closing doors. All doors must be closed at all times, even if people are going to and throw between rooms. If you open one he is sure to close it.

He cannot take one piece of cutlery out without rearranging the whole cutlery draw. I'm not joking either. Every time he need to take say a fork, the whole cutlery draw gets rearranged. Cutlery has to be matched, even though there isn't a full set of matching.

Jazz is true love, I joke with him about him getting an ASBO for playing his record too loud. He really influenced my taste in music.

He hates change to an extreme. He has just about adapted to computers now (he was introduced to them as early as the 60s), but it took ages. He needs someone to type for him, because he is seriously slow at it using just two fingers. I guess he was used to having a PA to do that.

Even though he was in the foreign office he hated the social side of it, and was never good at social gatherings just like me. He can ask seriously cringe worthy question to cashiers, random people, etc. I actually think in many respects his social skills are worse than mine.

One of the things about the foreign office is it used to be about duty, and he was ok with that. When it became about 'career diplomats' he really hated that. He was quite depressed after retiring for a long time (FCO has forced retirement at 60). He had only known public service, except for delivering bread, and a few other summer jobs.

I guess his main negative trait is road rage. He gets really riled up when he get in a car, and it doesn't stop till a while after he get out. He could easily get seriously hurt, because he doesn’t hesitate to swear at people and get angry, even you he is in his late 60s, and not exactly fighting fit. I think it is sensory. In fact I hate driving too. I just don’t do it. I managed to get a licence eventually, but I find it too overwhelming, so I haven’t driven in years.

He also gets really riled up with people on the TV. He can suddenly decide that he doesn't like X news reader for some reason, and then he will never shut up about them.

As to how good he was when growing up. I struggle to remember because I have memory problems. I wouldn’t say he was the most amazing father or anything, or knew how to do the bonding thing. But I think he did his best, he was mostly working. I actually think that most parent are crap anyways, it is not anything to hide.

Okay. I was feeling your dad was not a great father, but I am entirely P.O.'d that you think ALL AS parents are like this. CADD is not a real condition that's caused by AS parents. I couldn't go any further in your post after I read that.