Funeral

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My husband's grandma recently passed away, so this past weekend was filled with a very busy schedule that began Sunday.

We attended the wake which was 3 hours long...both my 8 and 11 year old have ADHD and my oldest has Asperger's. Generally it went well as there was an area downstairs that the kids could stay so to not get into trouble. But there were a few occasions my children acted up and my mother in law and sister in law helped deal with. A few incidents where my son was acting inappropriately but we were able to detour by having him go down to the lounge.

The worst thing that I felt was Monday which was the final viewing and goodbye. My son was acting strange (silly maybe) and we asked him numerous times to sit and not act inappropriately as we explained this was a sad time for people. He sat in a chair and had a "smirk/smile" on his face. For me with the stress of dealing with my husband and the kids I had to leave the room. My mother in law followed me and I cried...I explained to her it was too much to handle and then have to sit and explain to him once again about proper funeral behaviour and explain about the social acceptable ways to behave. She removed him from the situation and spoke to him and seemed to get through.

Come Monday evening everyone went to my sister in laws for dinner (30 people). I only found out today that he was speaking rudely to his cousin (my niece) and she talk to my mother in law and she went down to talk to him, I was apparently reading through condolence cards and my mother in law didn't want to bother me and no sooner did she turn her back he was at it again. Once he was removed from the situation (about 10 kids ages 4-17) he seemed to settle. My niece told her that "we" shouldn't use his "asperger's" as an "excuse" for his behavior all the time because he should know the first few times he's told not to speak to someone a particular way that he should stop. I was a bit livid to hear that statement since she's 13. At any rate I spoke to my SinL this evening and I felt good about the conversation and she said she would try to explain it better to her daughter about Asperger's. My feeling is that it's not an excuse it's a fact and I deal with it daily but I can't sweat all the little stuff.

Anyone thoughts? Suggestions? Experiences of recurring behaviour?

Sorry to hear that you feel bad about it.

It's true that there is a limit to the use of Aspergers as an "excuse" and I sometimes feel that a lot of people (myself included) do often use it inappropriately when we probably should know better.

That said, I've no experience of how an 11 year old aspie would act in those circumstances but I can guarantee that you had a pretty "light" experience by 8 year old aspie standards. My son would have been much, much worse - I'm sure.

IMHO, the best people to explain things to aspie children are other aspies and the parents of that child (who, even if they are neurotypical, have learned to speak and understand "aspie").

A thirteen year old girl is not going to be up to the task - and is unlikely to have any impact considering that the age difference is so slight. It's also probable that she didn't use the right words. She should have referred it to you.

Funerals are difficult experiences at the best of times but one final thought about that "smirk"... Do you think that your Grandmother-in-law would have wanted everyone to be sad or would she rather be remembered for who she was with happy faces?

I don't feel we use his Asperger's as an excuse for his behavior more as trying to show the "why" he acts he the way he does. I've tried explaining it to her but maybe it's she really isn't ready to understand it....

Not everyone will have the same tolerance for your child as you, the parent, will.

... and some people don't want to understand, they just want their own way - all the time...

You know what's right. If you can't convince her, then it's her loss. Don't suffer for it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm Just wondering --
How well did the kids know their great-grandmother?
And the grandparent who is the next-of-kin?

I can't really compare because my kids didn't have those problems.
Still, I can say that they surprised me several years ago when their great-grandmother died.
We explained that Grandma needs our help. She lost her mother and is very sad.
The kids took over, as though it was their personal responsibility to comfort her.
They gave lots of hugs and thought of everything from Grandma's point of view.

Would this have any effect on a kid with more behavior problems?

I don't think I would ever take my son to a funeral. I don't go to funerals myself. People are far to sensitive for the autistic person to try and walk eggshells around.