Toileting issues - I am dying here

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Every single day, Nate wets his pants. It happens at after school care. He is now telling us that he doesn't want to go to the bathroom because someone will take what he is doing (i.e., computer time, a toy). He was at the computer yesterday and peed his pants there. He told us that he sometimes doesn't know that he pees himself. I honestly think he is telling the truth, seriously. I don't get it but I believe him.

He also poops his pants but that is every 5th day. He gets pretty backed up.

The poop is a little harder to deal with. He used to be fine with going to the bathroom independently (pee) but now it's just getting horrible.

I wonder if he has a urinary tract problems. I really doubt it, though given his history with poop problems.

Anyone else have a child that "Hyperfocuses" so much on an activity and refuses or doesn't know when s/he has to use the restroom?

When I was a little kid, I was terrified of public restrooms (like the ones in schools). I would pee my pants rather than go in. The funny thing is, nobody ever figured out what the probelm was, they just leaving ma changes of clothed at the school.

In my case, it was the noise of the flushing. For some reason it just made me panic.
So it could be that his reasons are not the real reasons. If he uses the bathroom normally at home, it's most likely that there's something about the bathroom there he avoids.

What if someone could take him in? He won't ask ot tell when, but if they'd just take him and stay with him, it might be ok.

Good point. Nate HATES the toilet in public restrooms. He can't stand to even go into most restrooms but will go quickly when needed. When we are out in public, I will usually go with him (he is five) and then let him go wash his hands while I flush the toilet. I will give him a warning first so he can plug his ears if he needs to. Those toilets are sometimes extremely loud and deafening.

That is a great point. I honestly believe Nate hates using the toilet in the afterschool care (where he has almost all of his accidents). He refuses to go in there unless someone is right there holding the door for him. They can't do that at all times because they are busy.

OH get this. The principal at his current school told me a few weeks ago, "This is a private school and we don't have an extended resource room to deal with toileting issues!" What the heck! Extended resource room? I know many kids who are in extended resource room who are fully toilet trained and many other kids who are not in an extended resource room who struggle like my son. What does that have to do with any thing other than the fact that I am yanking my child out of that school at the end of the year. So much for "accommodating".

I was freaked out with toilets for the longest time. I never did flush them when I was younger (as my mom is probably reading this right now remembering many unflushed toilets). I completely forgot about the freaky sound until now. That was completely it for me. Oh and the way the water would quickly go down the drain while making that sound --- shivers --- How you have to sit on this hole thing that could have easily swallowed you up. No wonder why my son hates the toilet. Thank you.

Nate has recently been peeing his pants at home and didn't before. He is only doing it when he is doing something he loves, like playing on the computer. He was up to level 22 on some online kid game yesterday. It was great! It wansn't until later we saw that he had an accidents. The bathroom is kind of gross lately. I am cleaning it tomorrow. Perhaps he is just a clean kid LOL. Maybe that's it.

It could be a bit of both. I've got sensory toilet issue stories with my son, too. But to at least deal with the hyper-focus problem it wouldn't hurt to get him in the habit of going BEFORE sitting down to something like computer game, even if he isn't feeling the need at the moment.

I hope he will register that soon. I think he is coping by laughing about it. He thinks it is funny. He doesn't really seem to care anymore.

He will be in a different place next year at an afterschool program that is wonderful. The same place our other son goes to now - in home daycare. That place doesn't have a lot of stimulation and the toilets are really quiet, even compared to ours at home.

I can't stand those automatic flushing toilets.

If your son is like me then his internal senses are rather quiet, as in hard to pick up. I can think of multiple occasions where I was wounded and didnt notice it until I saw the blood. I have also gone a day (or two) without eating on multiple occasions because I didnt notice that I was hungry. I have also (when I was in 3rd grade) gotten up, got dressed, went to school feeling perfectly fine, then threw up and passed out. Apparently I was running a high fever on that day but didnt notice it until my body collapsed. My body doesnt give me very strong signals and it is fairly easy to miss them if I am occupied elsewhere.

For example, if you were sitting in a silent, dark room doing nothing, and somebody turned on a quiet fan in the next room, you would immediately notice. But if your sitting in a brightly lit room, watching a loud action movie on TV, and then you wouldnt notice the quiet fan in the next room being turned on. The sound from the fan is the exact same. But the problem is that it is such a faint signal, especially compared to the loud movie which your paying attention to. Its not as though you heard the fan and then decided to ignore it. You were just never able to hear it. Likewise, your son's urge to use the bathroom is likely rather faint. Its not as though he is ignoring his body and deciding that the game is more important. He just didnt hear the quiet bathroom signal above the loud 'noise' in his head. This is especially bothersome if you have had a long day, or in a somewhat stressful situation. That makes it hard to clear your head and as such, it becomes harder to hear the faint signals.

If he is a small 5 year old then they should still making pull ups his size. I dont know about the diaper market since I haven't done a great deal of diaper shopping.

The only practical advice I can offer is to help him set up a routine. For example, get him a digital watch that beeps every hour on the hour. This can be his reminder to stop what he is doing, and listen careful to his body for a few seconds. Once he clears his head, he may notice that he needs to use the bathroom, or get a drink, or eat some food, etc. It doesnt have to be on the hour, perhaps just as a step between tasks. For example, when craft time ends, and reading time starts, that is when he should stop and listen to his body for a few seconds, to see if anything is up. This is what I do. Whenever I finish a small task, I just take a few seconds to listen to my body. For example, I finished 1 of the 30 parts I am designing that day, I will stop and listen. I just finished drinking a can of soda, so I will stop and listen. So, overall I wind up taking a short 5 second pause to listen every 15-30 mins. Obviously this has come with practice. I have grown accustom to doing so, and as such it is easier for me to pick out the signals then when I was younger. Your son may need to empty his mind and think for more then 5 seconds in order to pick anything up.

At first I would start with an external signal, such as a beeping watch. When your wrapped up in your game, it becomes difficult to remember to take a break after every level and listen to your body. Start with an external signal, and then work with him to notice good times for short breaks. For example, he just completed a task, or finished a level, or something. As he grows up he will start to remind himself. It will become a habit of his to stop and listen every so often and as such you wont need an external signal any longer.

Also, while this may not have to do with the bathroom issue, it is related, and I feel worth mentioning. I also use these short breaks to plan out what needs to be done. For example, when I wake up, I make a list in my head of everything I need to do that day. And a less detailed plan about what needs to be done in the short term future. I.E. Today I need to get shower, then brush teeth, then get dressed, then eat breakfast, then drive to work/school, then accomplish A, B, C, etc. I have a test friday, I need to study thursday, I need to have this homework done wednesday, etc.

Then during these short breaks I just go over this list again, and check to see what I have done. I will then revise the schedule if needed. For example, I get to work and realize that I forgot to bring money for lunch. I realize this, and consider alternatives such as stopping at the ATM, or going home for lunch. I then pick a course of action, then adjust my plan accordingly. This helps me to get done what needs to be done and make sure everything is taken care of. It also helps me work more effectively if I have a plan about what to do next, and when to do it, etc. Plans in general help make things better and less stressful, but if you just come up with a plan and something changes suddenly, you begin to have problems. Being able to adapt, and change your plan as things come up gives you all the benefits of having a plan, but without being stuck with an ineffective course of action.

Of course being flexible and making effective plans takes practice, so you will probably want to go through it with him out loud until he has the hang of it. For example on the car ride to school you can discuss what his plan for the morning is, and discuss possible things that might change the plan, and then how to change his plan accordingly. For example. Today is friday, which is time for art class. Your son decides that he will sculpt with play dough today. Mention that there may not be enough play dough for everybody, and that he might want to consider a second option, such as drawing with a pencil. As time goes on his plans will become more complicated, and he will have more practice at making effective plans quickly.

Teaching your son to stop every so often and listen to his body, and then make an adaptable short term plan will probably help him with both his toilet issues, and some of his anxiety. Don't expect overnight results. This is the sort of thing that takes a lifetime of continuous improvement. But it is a good thing to get started on now.

I remember in elementary school we were playing a game but I didn't want to miss it so I ended up wetting my pants. 1st-2nd grade, I believe. I also had a problem with not going to the bathroom during school and on the way home I would wet my pants. It was partly because the public bathrooms were unfamiliar with me and different-- and for the longest time I couldn't figure out how they flushed (=p) and I simply wouldn't noticed I needed to.

EDIT: Oh, and also I wouldn't go if someone didn't ask me.

Maybe you should put him in diapers. Pulls ups.

Thanks to you all!

Tracker, you are on to something. Nate definitely does not seem to register when he is hungry, thirsty and when he is hurt. I would definitely say his internal sense are quite.

What you said really hit me. I think a lot of kids that I see really need to "stop and listen". I really have never thought of that before. You gave some wonderful strategies.

We will be purchasing a watch for him this afternoon or sometime tomorrow and teach him how to use it.

We will also be purchasing some pullups. Since we know that the afterschool care is really not working and we have no choice for the next two months, I feel that the pullups are a wonderful solution! Nate's bowel issue still is not resolved either. He does have difficulty with that and I don't feel a lot of it is his fault. His urination problem is really recent. I will be making an appt to the doctor to see if there is something else going on as it is a more recent problem. I am a little concerned.

We took Nate to the school he will go to next year (a school I work at). He already has issues with a bathroom. He said that the pipes that go to the urinal really needs cleaning. I guess they are just gross. He also said that it was hard when he washed his hands. The water came out hard and it felt like someone was stabing him with very little stabs. I will request that they fix it, if possible. If not, then perhaps Nate will use hand sanitizer. Poor lil' guy.

Good point, 2ukenkerl. I do believe with Nate, the laughing is more of a nervous feeling he gets although he is honestly good at "faking it" and seeming that it's funny. When my husband asked Nate if it were funny (peeing his pants), he said "Yes." He didn't know what else to say.

I will let you all know how the watch and pullups go.

I have 3 children and 2 are dxn,all 3 have toileting issues. The eldest who is not dxn is 18 and he doesn't have any issues now. I say that because its hard to face it day after day. There is hope and it will stop. From reading all your other posts your son is intelligent and will find a solution with your help. My youngest doesn't seem to do it because I home school her.. The more exhausted she got at school she would wet herself because she didn't want to stop playing or she was getting sick. One stage she would freak if her pants were a little bit wet, now she will go and say I don't care, but she doesn't do that now as she is at home.I see her flying through the house looking for 1 of 3 toilets, she seems to gravate towards mine (ensuite)as it is cleaner and less frequently used by the male members in the house hold. Its closer to the office where the main gaming computer is too!

Now number 2's are completely different,first 2 boys used to sit in all day at school and I could smell it as soon as they got near me arghhhh! They are so intelligent and so forth runs through your head.... thats before dxn. I think they would hold on for so long bits would just come out. (sorry its gross!) The middle child said it would happen to him when he would be playing hide and seek,he found a nice Safe place to hide and he always felt like going to the toilet. Thats reflecting back. Then when I look at it was quiet and safe,and thats when he felt he could go.... but not in his pants.

So the 3rd child its a routine that at night time she sits on the toilet.At first it was a mp3 player now she has a stock pile of books and she spends a good 30 mins in there.
I know though if she doesnt go,sometime during next day she would poo herself, when she was at school. Now at home especially if she has been doing alot of activity and hadn't went the night before I ask her to go to the toilet during the day, I list the reasons and then say, you might not need to go that night either ,if you go now and striaght after you can have X. No problems,so far. But she is away at the moment with my husband visiting inlaws so I can have a break!! I stress make sure she goes to the toilet at night. My husband, nice darling, rings me and tells me about it!! !! Once she even pooed herself while I was there visting.Again new environment lots of things to do and that OGRE of a mother(thats me) doesnt have my undivided attention and to catch the signs she might need to go.

When they get older they start hiding it. She hasnt but the older boys did.My children are 18 can't remember when he stopped,the midle child is 13 and he stopped for many a year now and Miss 7 is nearly there. I think its the routine to establish, I never has huge issue with wetting themselves at school, but I think none of them went to the toilet at school. Must have string bladders, sorry I was wrong middle son said how disgusting they were and he would sneak in to little kids toilets because they are so clean where is bigger kids toilets were disgusting to say the lest.
Its a combination of sensory overload by the whole day,the cleaniness of the toilet,they don't care about anyone else smelling it either.
Magellic

i'd make sure he goes to the bathroom prior to playing computer........as it's becoming problematic, someone needs to consider making a behavior support plan to extinguish this behavior.......if it's the noise of public toilets that bother him, then maybe he can get away without flushing- i've seen plenty of public toilets that haven't been flushed in my time

Thanks.

I have been trying to get a behavior plan for months. I have even offered to help write it. Nate only has two months at that school. The other school is so much better at least for accommodations.

I am sending my husband to target tonight to buy pullups and find a watch. I hope they sell kids watches that are small enough and have what we need on the watch like a timer.

About the computer - A big "Duh" and thank you. What seems like common sense really needs to be told to me sometimes. I now need something to remind me to remind him. Once it becomes more habit, I think it will be easier.

We seriously need a better system in this household.