Need Help Parenting a 13-yr old Step Son with asp.

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I need some help/advice please. I am a 36 yr old female, I have 2 children of my own (10 & 7) and a recently acquired stepson (13). My stepson has a dx of ADHD and his mom has brainwashed the child into thinking that he no longer needs medication (for the last 2 yrs he has been off meds).

He has horrible social skills, speaks in one volume - loud, has no friends at school – does not talk about friends at school, doesn’t call/text friends, doesn’t ask to have friends over, doesn’t go to friends houses, and do not ask to go to social events at school. He speaks constantly and with knowledge about sports statistics and video games-recently he has added guns (due to attaching himself to the Call of Duty video games). He constantly is playing video games even in the summer given the choice to go outside, go somewhere, go swimming, or play outdoors he will refuse but insist on staying indoors all day playing video games. We have encouraged him to have friends over and on the 3 occasions in which he has, he leaves his friend in his room or to play with my children and will go play his video games. He gets along better with adults (children are less predictable than adults are).

He has no respect for anyone, must be told to do things repeatedly due to attention issues. He talks down to his mom and dad, his grandparents and constantly to my children – to date he hasn’t spoken to me that way. He argues about everything – even when he is wrong and knows he is wrong. He plays with my 7 yr old son and enjoys it other than he debates everything and talks down to him. He bosses and bullies both of my children claiming that he is “teaching” them.

My stepson eats only a few things - Chicken fingers/nuggets and steak, Hot Cheetos, Pringles, French fries only from Burger King or Mcdonalds, candy (any kind), and pop (most preferably Mountain Dew or Pepsi) - at least 4-5 per day when he is with us. That’s it and refuses to try other foods claiming he got sick on them when he was 2 or 3 years old…can he really remember this or is this a behavior too? His hygiene is horrible-he doesn’t brush his teeth or hair, wash his hands or pick up after himself unless told by an adult and then will become argumentative about it. Also, (this is gross) when he has a bowel movement he gets feces on the toilet seat, on the side of the toilet and occasionally on the wall – he doesn’t clean this up either; is actually lieing and denying he is responsible for it and blames it on my 7 yr. old (even if he has not been around). He refuses to wear certain clothes claiming they are extremely itchy.

I could go on but will stop. I am a licensed and certified speech-language pathologist and am a director of special education with a lot of experience working with children with disabilities including autism. But, I am at a loss. I don’t know how to deal with this child. I try, I honestly do but, his idiosyncrasies gradually get on my nerves. He is with us once a week and every other weekend and his dad still has guilt for not being able to be with him more so he is spoiled as well. Any suggestions for me will be appreciated. I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor for myself…

You sound like such a god awful woman. respect is earn t and not given, try to respect this child, you clearly dont,

You dont respect his and his mothers decision about meds, which "DONT WORK FOR EVERYONE" and many people claim don't work at all,

I really feel sorry for this boy, having to deal with someone who just "does'nt get it" dispite listing your qualifications, believe me I would not attach this post to your CV

It sounds like you are in the exact situation as I am! There are so many things you wrote that are exactly like my situation with my 14 year old stepson! The other children, the defiance, the food, the feces and hygeine, etc. etc! wow, I understand what you are saying completely and I don't think you are being too harsh. I understand how frustrating and hard it is dealing with all of the issues 24/7. You can be the most understanding, patient, kinds person and still be pushed over the edge with all of the problems. I understand!

The first thing you need to do is to get your husband on the same page as you are. Without that, you will be fighting a losing battle. If that means marriage counseling than so be it.

Next, lets look at the issues that you should shelve for now. The first one is clothing. If this is a big issue, then require that his mother pack all his cloths before the visit. If the issue is not too big, then set up a dresser with his cloths only that he can wear. Another issue is the friend/going outside issue. That is something that you do not have time to work on because he is around so little.

As for being loud, he may not realize this. If he has attention issues as well as AS, I would almost guess that he also has auditory processing issues (and you may begin to see where I am heading here). To be honest with you, medication may not fix those issues.

The first thing I would do is to write down a list of rules he is expected to follow and hand a copy to him and his mother. If the mother complains, tell her to talk to the judge (who, if they have 2 functioning brain cells, would laugh at the mother). Tell him that he is to follow those rules when at his fathers house and have him repeat back to you each rule until you are sure he knows it. The rules I see needed are:

1) You must talk to all other members of the household in a respectful tone of voice. This includes the other children.

2) If you do not understand directions, you must ask for them to be repeated.

3) You will eat what the family eats or you will not eat at all. If his diet is what you say it is, then he can certainly go a couple of meals without wasting away.

4) He must clean up after himself. This should be self-explanitory

Now, rather than consequences for breaking the rules, I say put up a chart that keeps track of his progress in this regard and offer rewards for success. Make it easy at first (say for each day of following the rules in a month earns a reward) as you will probably be lucky to get that at first. As you start getting successes, make it harder to get the reward (inform him in advance that the change is being made). It will take time but eventually you will be successful.

As for those who say you are evil, if you have not beaten the child yet, then I have to refute that. This child is part of a family and has to function with the family. If this does not happen, it will doom your marriage due to the stress. Each household has certain rules that must be followed for the good of the family, same as society has certain rules that must be followed for the good of society. This child must learn to follow the rules and if mommy does not want to do the work, then daddy and his family must.

The meds are not the problem, the discipline is the problem. Discipline does not mean spanking, discipline means he is brought up in a way that he can act appropriately. This is a long-term goal at this point as you are 13 years behind, and you're basically starting from scratch. Get some parenting books on how to parent teenage boys. Get in some family counseling, work out a displine strategy with your husband, and make sure he is getting some time alone with a therapist as well so he can work out his issues with someone outside the family.

I'm also guessing the constant drinking of soda causes more behavior problems than not taking his meds. You allow him 4-5 a day??? He can drink water. That much sugar will make anyone moody and unreasonable. That should be the first area you can fix, and quite easily. Just make sure there is no soda in the house.

As far as being off medication for ADHD even if he was on it it wouldn't improve his social skills. If it helps at all it will help with paying attention and maybe moodiness.

However everything you complain about is all major Aspergers symptoms that people pretty much have their entire lives. Like the restrictive food eating is a big AS problem. When I was a kid I would only eat french fries when we ate out and I know a AS guy that prefers to eat mac and cheese for every meal if his mom lets him. I eventually learned to like a few vegetables. As Aspies get older they may eventually begin to like new foods. It may also be his biological mom never offered him a variety of food so you can't blame him if he's never been offered anything to eat but fast food and prepackaged garbage food. Perhaps making some interesting looking fruit and veggie dishes might entice him especially things like a fruit/veggie dip plate. Also keep in mind many of us absolutely freak if our food touches and we have issues with texture. You can get plastic compartmentalized plates at Walmart that will keep food from touching. Its a sensory issue Aspies have so don't take it personal that he is trying to be difficult. Its just an Autism thing.

As far as the toileting issues I think you need to approach the issue with calm words, no harsh emotions and basically approach it like you were potty training a toddler. What I mean is you need to explain to him how to wipe correctly, how to dispose of tissue properly, put a box of wet wipes nearby and explain how if he smears up the seat he needs to wipe it off. Maybe some hygiene books might help?? The toilet issue is a big issue because of his age as you don't want a grown man behaving like that or he will never keep a woman or even keep friends if he shares a college dorm!

You didn't say anything about counselors I don't think. But when you have an Aspie that old that still has major issues like that you need to get him into a psychologist who can offer social skills training and possibly an Occupational Therapist can help if you can find one trained in autism. I had an OT for awhile but her help was limited as she was not trained in autism but could only help me with my brain injury issues ie" organizational and memory issues.

Seek out a local autism society meeting and find other moms to steer you in the right direction. Post your location and I will research for you if there is any groups nearby. If you don't want to post your location for all to see then feel free to PM me the location.

EvilStepMom,

It's fairly normal when a neurotypical person suddenly gets an aspie in the family to feel like they need to be "changed". You need to resist this urge if you want to be friends with your new stepson.

You raise a lot of points and I 'll probably need several posts to cover them all - but here goes...


Horrible Social Skills and no friends....
This is a normal part of aspergers and even the most well adjusted of us have poor social skills.

Aspies are often keen to have friends but experience great difficulty in making and keeping them.

Having bad social experiences will tend to cause them to shun further social opportunities. If your stepson is doing this, then he's already been "burned". Your support at this time would be better than criticism. Try to respect his wishes to not become too involved with people while at the same time providing him with opportunities to improve his social skills.

An agressive stance will get you nowhere but a supportive one will work wonders.

Speaking Constantly - and on dull topics.
This is the aspie special interest rearing its head. It's a double-edged sword because on the one hand it ret*ds the social skills because it's both annoying and boring for the listener - while on the other, it's a major driver for the boy's success.

It's been shown that aspies who pursue careers related to their special interests do very well. You should bear that in mind and try to find ways in which he can use it to his best advantage.

This is not to say that you shouldn't make him aware of how annoying it is. It's an important social grace that he needs to learn. At age 13, he should be starting to come to grips with this.

Respect...
This is important and an area where change can and should be achieved. There are two main parts to respect.

Discipline (ie: teaching)
and
Mutual Respect

Discipline seems to have been pointed out by mage already. The parenting books will help - because you need to be establishing a very firm "cause and effect" for things.

eg: Cause: Lack of Respect
Effect: 1 hour of lost video game time.

Don't make the effects too tough - especially not for small offences. You want to teach him to correct his behaviour, not to dot things behind your back and certainly not to rebel against your authority.

You need to show your stepson the ways in which you are respecting him - talk to him about it. Your post seems more than a little stressed and I expect that if you looked at your actions carefully, you might find that you're not as respectful to him as you could be. This is an important starting point.

You can't simply say "you need to show me some respect" to an aspie because that won't make any sense. Instead, you need to make a list of "rules" to help him understand respect.

eg: No name calling

Hopefully the boy's father and grandparents can cite specific examples of "lack of respect".

He needs to understand why these things hurt. Remember, as an aspie, he's not likely to pick up non-verbal cues.


There's not a lot you can do about the arguing - particularly over trivial matters. It's a strong aspie trait.

His play with your children sounds fine except for the word "bullying". You need to explain this to him. "What is bullying" - give him concrete examples. Bullying is also related to respect and he needs to learn to respect everyone in his family.

You need to make the point that bullying will not be tolerated and instigate proper cause and effect routines for it. Just make sure that it's clear to him that he's being "punished" for bullying.

Limited Foods
This is a normal aspie thing too. You need to sort foods out into three categories...

Likes
Disklikes
Abhors.

Determine which foods your stepson absolutely abhors. These will probably stem back to childhood. In my case I can't look at sultanas, the sight and smell of them makes me feel ill.

These feelings can and often do stem from childhood - and aspies are well known for remembering back to toddlerdom.

The abhorred foods should be avoided completely and you should just work on the dislikes.

The best way around the dislikes is to go to places where the liked food is not available. eg: Dinner at a Chinese resturant.

You need to be able to say "oops... they don't have xxxx" and then you'll have to work to encourage him to try other things. Obviously at this stage, I'd be more likely to recommend things like prawns/shrimp rather than vegetables which seem rather obviously "off the menu". When you start on vegetables, start with small portions and with "sweet" things, like corn.



Clothing
This one is clean-cut.

Listen to your stepson. If he doesn't like the itchy clothes, then don't make him wear them. Aspies are very sensitive to materials and making him wear something that makes him uncomfortable is "disrespecting him".


Hygiene
The only way to bust the toilet one is to "catch him at it". This doesn't mean "burst in on him" it means to try to examine the state of the toilet before and after - so that you can say for sure that it was him.

If you do this and he still denies it, then you will need to tighten things up... literally examine the toilet before and after with him in tow. He'll soon get the message.

You might even discover that his behaviour in this manner is deliberately rebellious. Perhaps he's resentful of your living with his father. It's certainly an avenue to explore.

As far as teeth brushing etc.. you could benefit from creating a hygiene list that includes deoderant, tooth brushing etc... and pin it somewhere where he can see it. Also - get his father to talk to him about these things.



One final thing... (last thing I promise)
You've scheduled an appointment with a counsellor for yourself. Well done! Looking after yourself will help you to look after him. You need some release and this is a good starting point.

Sorry for making this an essay but you seemed to need a lot of advice. You might want to have a look through my blog (see my footer) - it covers a lot of the condition from the inside out.

EvilStepMom, welcome to our world. Adding an Aspie to the family can be quite a challenge at times, and it is a huge change. Given that you are not the biological parent, it is doubly challenging.

First off, you will occasionally get a few Aspies here who will attack you for things real or perceived regarding your parenting style or your inability to automatically adjust to your stepson's special needs. This is the exception. Most here are helpful and will give you excellent insight. The lesson I've learned about attacks is to let it go (unless it gets very personal, in which case, call a mod). Or take it to private messages.

With your step-son, you MUST MUST MUST be on the same page as your husband! NEVER contradict one another in front of him, you must present a united front.

Now, on to specific issues:
- Friends: I wouldn't worry too much about this. Aspies will make friends online, and forcing them into social situations will cause undue and unneeded stress.

- Loudness: When he starts being loud, remind him "Inside voice." If he starts getting annoyed with you reminding him, tell him that if he talked with an inside voice in the first place, you wouldn't need to remind him.

- Constantly talking about his pet interests: Try to speak to his interests, listen to him, try to find something he DOESN'T know about them. Otherwise, just something you have to put up with... or learn to tune him out. Or derail his train of thought by saying "Inside voice."

- Food pickiness: This is something you are just going to have to live with. Get the things he likes and keep a lot on hand. This is NOT a battle you will win, as he will most likely go hungry rather than eat a food he doesn't like. Aspies can be hypersensitive to food texture. My girlfriend's Aspie son Billy (9 yrs old), for example, loves mashed potatoes. At Christmas dinner, my mom bought some that had little potato lumps in it. He only likes instant, smooth potatoes, and he outright gagged. With Billy, the only thing we have to watch is that he will want to fill up on milk, then take two bites of his food.

- Respect: He may not realize he is being disrespectful. Remind him, and tell him this is unacceptable. If he claims he is "teaching" his younger step-siblings, tell them it isn't his job to teach them, it is yours, so he must be respectful. If disrespect continues after a number of warnings, issue punishment... which brings me to...

- Video Games: Limit his time on them, but give him a good bit of time. With Billy, he used to get 8 hours a day on the computer when he stayed with me. However, he received an F in music for refusing to pay attention, so he has been limited to 4 hours. Just a warning, he will pitch a FIT if you take it away! But he has to know that video games are a privilege, not a right. Have something else lined up for him to do, though, as he will be too flustered to come up with alternatives on his own. However, be consistent.

- Hygiene: This is non-negotiable. For Billy, he gets a bath every other day. I will not have a kid who stinks in my apartment, and neither should you. If he asks why, tell him you don't want to have to smell him when he hasn't bathed. As for the crap splattering, check the bathroom before he goes in. If there is crap everywhere, make him clean it up. If he says it wasn't him, explain that he was the only one in there, so it had to be him. Again, make him clean it (once there is ZERO doubt that it was him), and after he has calmed down, ask him why that happens and work with him. If he refuses to open up, tell him that every time he gets crap everywhere, he is going to clean it. It is what it is, so he had better learn to keep it in the bowl.

Just remember, you are in a position of authority. Establish your role and stick to it.

Most important things are give him structure, present a united front, and remember that it is better to be respected than liked. Never sacrifice long term development for short term harmony, and pick your battles. He is not an NT child, so you can't really expect him to act like one.

Best of luck to you!! !

That sounds like a challenging situation! I'm glad you are seeking help for him and yourself.

Sensory sensitivities are real, and are one of the most difficult things for AS people to deal with. Having to do things like wear itchy shirts or eat abhorrent foods causes extreme discomfort and distress--if you force him to do so, the chances of him having a meltdown are high. You can buy things like t-shirts without tags in them and socks without seams. If there are certain clothes he prefers, buy several of the same thing so he can always at least wear something clean.

It's too bad about his diet--you really do need to do away with the soda, since it will rot his teeth and make him fat as well as making it harder for him to behave, but that means the rest of your family will have to cut out soda as well, since Aspies have a strong sense of fairness. Let him eat chicken tenders and steak, buy reduced-fat Pringles, and give him a multivitamin every day (children's chewables or gummis are just like candy.) It won't kill him, even if it's not the healthiest diet in the world.

Some of the hygeine problems can also be exacerbated by the sensory issues. Check to make sure his hairbrush has soft rubber-tipped bristles, that the toothpaste isn't a super-tingly kind of mint, and that the bathroom is warm enough that getting in and out of the warm shower isn't a shock. Then make a chart of what exactly he should do each morning and night and in what order--sometimes sequencing these things can get confusing for an Aspie--and put it up next to the bathroom mirror. Don't just assume he already knows how to do all this stuff and is simply refusing to be difficult.

Does he have a hand-held video game device? Send him outside to play it. Then he'll get some fresh air and sunshine without as much argument. Be sure and explain why going outside is good for him (sunlight is important in creating vitamin D and serotonin as well as UV light killing bacteria on the skin)--Aspies prefer to do things because they are logical instead of "because you said so."

The "disrespectful" tone he uses with you is just him copying the tone you and other adults use with him. I remember being slapped in the face and mouth by my mom all through my childhood for "smarting off" and not being able to understand what I was doing wrong. I was an only child and had only had language modeled for me by adults, parents and teachers who talked down to me and used a teaching tone and gave me orders. I had no way to learn the "respectful" way children were expected to communicate (children on television utter nothing but wisecracks.) I melted down frequently over the trap I was in, not knowing what I was doing wrong and not having anybody tell me how to do it right. I have a painful memory of my mother hitting me one day as I managed to sob out "I only talk to you the way YOU talk to ME!" She stopped and looked appalled, and never slapped me again.

I want to thank all of you for your help! You are great and I will definately be working on this personally and with my husband. Wish me luck!

I want to especially thank the persons with asp who posted. You all truly know what it is like to have this disability and I respect and appreciate you help and insight.

I just want to add one thing after reading all the responses, and that is about literal language. AS are VERY literal and precise, and don't understand the idea of applying words and concepts broadly. Being more aware of this, and taking care to speak to it, may help short cut some of the arguments. It will also help with the hygiene battles - every time my son uses the bathroom I remind him to flush and wash; if I haven't been nearby at the precise moment, I will ask, "did you wash your hands JUST NOW?" If I ask, "did you wash?" he feels he can truthfully answer "yes" if he has ever washed in his entire life. The question and the instruction needs to be PRECISE.

The whole hygiene thing has been a huge issue in our house because the core of it all is that my son just doesn't care. We've shown him the science and more but he doesn't care. Or, at least, not enough to outweigh whatever discomfort following up with hygiene causes him. We've made it clear we won't bend on it, and I've literally taken him by the hand and returned to the restroom to wash up. Eventually, it will just become habit, but it is a very very long and very very slow road.

He isn't great about cleaning up after himself, either, but now that he has decided it's fun to help cook I'm willing to take the trade off. A little mess that I tend to later in exchange for help in the kitchen (after he washes, of course, lol); I'm OK with that. And he has chosen now to keep his room relatively clean because he finally figured out that he likes it better that way, but organizing is very stressful for him so he does need help with it.

As for talking on and on, as a speech therapist you should be in a great position to help him with these pragmatic speech issues. Start with a hand signal to let him know when he is talking inappropriately; this allows him to wrap it up in his own way. It's worked really well with my son.

And the rest ... you've received some insightful responses. Figure out how the child ticks and respect that.

Evil Step mom sent me a message ::
I want to thank you for the personal attack on me. Clearly you don't understand what you wrote - respect IS earned and he has not tried to earn my respect. With regards to his meds, his father, grandparents, educators, etc. have all stated that he NEEDS the meds because they DO work...

Perhaps you should not list that you are asp. bec. you clearly don't want people to know that you have no social skills or apathy for others and their feelings (classic traits of your disorder sir). Twisted Evil

This was my reply
I have grown up with aspergers, I also taught for a few moths at a school which dealt exclusively with autism and aspergers.

And one lesson we learn is when dealing with these conditions is that authority is shund, and if you impose it, it will be fort against,

So become this childs friend, respect him, and then he might listen to you, you have read a book on the traits, but clearly have no expericance on how to deal with it.
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"Perhaps you should not list that you are asp"

Yes, i should not list a condition that i have, on a web site dealing with the condition that i have, this woman needs to re-think that one,