Bullying

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I know my 14 year old AS stepson gets very anxiety-ridden and stressed through out the school day. The other day we had lunch at a restaurant and his dad and I talked to him. I asked him if anyone was still picking on him at school and he got very quiet and looked ashamed and said yes. He said that these same 3 boys, who have picked on him before, still say stuff to him. He said they have been make fun of him and they have been saying he talks like a girl. He said he just feels very alone sometimes. I told him that he is never alone and that we are always going to be there for him, that he just has to let us know if anyone ever says mean stuff to him. He then asked us what we thought was a good response to these kids who say mean stuff to him. He said he wants to hit them and we said we understood that but that we didnt want him to get in trouble and that we would think of things for him to say back to these kids. So I was wondering here if anyone had any advice for how we can tell him to respond to some of these things. Does anyone have any great "comebacks" for a kid that is being said mean things to? On the one hand we want to make sure he doesnt over-react, which he can do, on the other hand, we want him to be able to come up with something quickly to respond to these kids.

When I was young, I had similar issues with getting picked on. Problems with anxiety and everything. My mom and dad's answer was for me to take Martial Arts classes. Worked perfectly.

The best part is that I didn't have to fight in order to stop the bullying. My demeanor changed, and knowing I wasn't helpless made it easier to laugh it off. Plus, on the few occasions when I really DID have to fight, it really helped.

A comeback is like a joke; it's not just the words, it's the delivery. So even the most withering, witty retort will fall apart if he stammers and fudges it. Assuming of course the boys even appreciate it. Some people are really just too stupid to be insulted properly. Giving your son a 'script' to follow while he's being bullied and stressed out is unlikely to yield positive results, especially since you, as grown ups, don't know the language anymore.

To properly defend himself, he has to consider himself worth defending, and that's all there is to it. Yeah, self-esteem. And that's a problem I can't solve from here. You're not going to like this next bit, but here goes: When you're a kid, and you don't have friends to stick up for you, and you don't have the tongue to lash out at those who insult you, and you can't just walk away, you're only left with your fists. No, you obviously can't grow up thinking you can punch everyone who makes fun of you. But in Jr. High you have to be respected to not be shat upon. Don't encourage him to hit first...but don't discourage him too much either.

I like that Martial Arts idea. I think it's a good idea to know you can defend yourself physically if it came down to it but not to use it unless it is extremely serious because he is still learning appropriate behavior in a lot of areas and has a tendency to over react to things, we really want to emphasize that using physical force is a last resort. There is concern for us that he would end up getting thrown out of public school. There was an incident a few years ago where some girls were picking on him and tried to trip him and he pushed the girl in the chest area. Then we were contacted about his inappropriate touching, etc. The principal said "how are people going to react if they know that your son is basically sexually harassing people." We were so angry. My husband wrote to him and said how do you think people are going to react when they find out that there is an ongoing issue in the school district with people bullying disabled children.

The Martial Arts school I was sent to required us to bring in our report cards. If our grades dropped, the teacher was harder on us. If, worse yet, WE were caught bullying, we were dismissed from the classes. A number of kids were dismissed when they became bullies after learning Martial Arts.

That is a shame about the sexual harassment claim. I hope things were cleared up.

I was wondering, do you have any problems with coordination? because my stepson does and I was wondering if Martial Arts is a hard thing to learn when a person has motor skill difficulties?

I think the comments about demeanor are quite true. It's interesting, my son has been teased, but for several reasons it has never risen to the level of bullying. First, my son honestly and truly doens't care what anyone else thinks or says. So they don't get the reward of upsetting him, and the incentive to continue falls away. And, second, he happens to be friends with a very popular child who has not been afraid to tell kids that if they don't leave his friend (my son) alone, then he (the popular child) won't be friends with them.

My son hasn't shown any interest in martial arts but I actually think he could do it despite his motor skill difficulties. It's hard to explain, but it's a different movement than other sports and different from things like writing. My sister taught my son a few moves years ago and he never seemed to have a problem with them.

I am sorry to hear about the bullying. It is very hard, and a common issue for AS kids in middle school.

As for what to say:

It's difficult without knowing the exact things being said, but I think the one I've heard taught is a simple, "I am not going to engage in this discussion." And walk away.

I have some coordination problems, it has helped definitely. It is slow, but over time it improves. Having mirrors in the gym has been a great help with learning drills. I think because I had less sense of myself spatially.

I wish I had started martial art when I was at school, it is not a complete solution but it can help I think. It has definitely helped with my confidence.

The whole "sexual harassment" insult people who have been genuinely abused, who are less likely to get help than these petty point scores.

Who hasn’t accidently touched someone’s chest area, men and women alike?

My other idea is to help him to build a social life outside of school. I don't think schools are necessarily the be all and end all, or the best place for ASD to make friends being one giant "social network".

I asked him last night if he would like to try some martial arts classes and he said he didn't know. I said you don't have to decide right now but it might be something you would like. He said...I don't knowwww. : ) So we'll see but I still think it's a great idea.
As far as the "sexual harassment" incident goes, the irony is that, my stepson was the least likely person to ever have been intentionally trying to touch someone in any area. The girls were teasing him and trying to trip him. He just reacted by pushing what was in front of him. Of all people, my stepson would have never been trying to touch her chest in a sexual way because he is and especially was, at the age of 12, very niave when it comes to sexual things anyway. Also, he really dislikes touching others or being touched to begin with because of his AS. Luckily nothing ever became of this but it was really a case of the victimizer pretending to be a victim.

My father always told me to -"Find the leader, punch him in the face" ... I could never bring myself to do it though. If your stepson is anything like me (a flower-child as I call it) - completely non-violent, then martial arts may not be his cup of tea. In fact, he will probably find it boring and will start skipping classes. Also, learning martial arts takes time, and if he's not really into it, I doubt it will help him in the short term, as the bullies are going to get stronger and stronger every day.

An alternative solution is to ask him if he wants to change school, and if he does, let him go to a private school instead. They usually consist of a diverse community of children from all corners of the world - religious and otherwise. Much less bullying there.

Last edited by Kenjuudo on 10 Mar 2009, 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd buy him a book on verbal self-defense. Like a lot of teenagers, he'll be more likely to trust a third-party source than parents' advice. To an extent, he's right, since parents aren't likely to be familiar with the darker aspects of today's high school. Most bookstores have plenty of books on the subject. I recommend the ones with a masculine-sounding title and/or description (references to the military, political negotiations, phrases like "tactics used by the police") so he doesn't feel week because he reads the book. Physical self-defense classes can be Step 2; I'd start with the book, since the bullying your son mentioned is verbal.

I don't really recommend martial arts. Like the name says, it's an art, with many complex moves. This may or may not have many practical applications. He might be better off in a class that teaches street self-defense: a few quick but effective moves that disable an assailant.

That's a good one "find the leader, punch him in the face". : ) Yeah, I like the martial arts idea but he really isn't into sports and I really doubt that he is going to come around to wanting to take a class. But a book on the subject of defending yourself against bullies is a good idea. I will look into that. You know, I understand that he is very different and his inability to understand a lot of things socially can cause kids to tease him but these kids that do this stuff can just walk away if he is bothering them or if they think he is too "weird" for them. One thing that my husband and i have found though is that most of these kids that are doing the teasing have bad family lives. So they are being treated badly at home and then they take it out on kids like my stepson at school.

The conclusion you and your husband have come to is classic and so true.

Be aware that his self-esteem is under major development as we speak. For better or for worse. So you don't really have much time to find a solution to the problem. I personally found a private school to be the instant stress reliever I had hoped to have much earlier... At least go and visit some schools and explain your son's situation for them.

I like the Martial Arts solution. Martial Arts is for self-defence, which is how it should be taught. In some countries, you have to inform your attacker that you know Martial Arts before executing them.

As in, "I want you to know that I know Martial Arts, and if you continue to harass me, I will be forced to defend myself."

You don't always have time to stand around and chat. I’d usually advise against trying to talk with someone who is assaulting you. However there was an exception which it works quite well, which was when to smack addicts tried to assault me. There weren't very fast and talking to them slowed them down because they could not do two things at once.

Private school can be just as bad (and not everyone has go the cash). Do you think that rich yuppie kids won't bully you? I many respects it was worse in my experience. It is really down to the school.