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Hi everyone, below I copied and pasted my origional post from another forum so you have some background info if you need it.. I had a question that I really haven't gotten an answer too.. there might not be one but thought I would ask it in this forum as well.

I was wondering how I can explain to my 11 year old son that he has aspergers? Is there a way? How did some of the parents here tell their child?
Thanks guys!


Original Post Below:

Hi, My name is Terrie and I live in Maryland. I believe my son has AS. I don't get a dx until the 7th of February but his doctor and I are sure that's what it is. I've always known my son was special.. Everyone who knows him would say so.. especially my sister.. she would say.. "oh that's just D... he's so sensitive".

He was a very good baby.. hardly ever cried and was very independent. To this day he has NEVER given me a hug(which pains me to no end!) But I'm hopeful! He met all his milestones and actually walked at 8 months of age. He's not too clumsy.. he is a boy so he does get the occasional bumps and bruises. He has 3 siblings.. all sisters.. I always thought maybe he's so detached because he's the only boy.

At about age four I noticed he starting rolling his eyes.. I took him to see a nuerologist and she dx'd him with nervous tics and prognosed him to develop tourettes.. I have yet to see any development of that. He does still have the tics though.. Eye blinking, eye rolling and throat clearing. He also is always fiddling with his hair absently..


I took him to the doctor this year because he started to get aggressive. ie.. took a baseball bat to a door in the house and can be very destructive. Since I've learned he possibly has AS I've toned down the way we speak to him and try to sort things out so he doesnt' get aggitated. He's been better since. not so many outbursts.

He doesn't get slang very well. ie.. we'll tell him he has to clean his room or he can't go outside. I'll then go into his room and he'll just be sitting on his bed stareing.. I'll ask him why he hasn't cleaned that his friend is waiting outside for him. He'll tell me that I said he couldn't go outside all day, which is not what I said.. but forget arguing with him.. he's always right and I'm always wrong.

He does not like to be touched AT ALL. I've had a couple occassions where his sister has hugged him and he's yelled "Get off me!" and he did the same thing to one of his teachers when he put his hand on his back... He use to do very well in school up until the end of last year. All A's, but now he's slipping. He doesn't do his school work and most of the time he doesnt' bring his homework home. I cleaned out his backpack lastnight and it was a mess.. he had every subject mixed with every subject..

I can't get him in to the doctor to give him an official dx until Feb 7th.. so I'll have to wait. I'm trying to see if the school needs this in order to start getting him some help because I don't think I can do it on my own.

My son is something else though I will say that.. he can be most comical at times and I do find his little habits amuzing. Like he loves to sit in the papason chair and surround himself with pillows. Or he'll hide under it. He's very creative and can make anything from spare parts around that house and actually make them work!. He loves to read Harry Potter.. usually finishes a book in a few days.

I'm sure there is more but I don't want to make this boring for anyone.. I do have some questions though. The main thing is.. how do I tell my son what he has. When I take him to see his 'doctor' he'll cry and say he doesn't understand why he is there and he doesnt' wanna go anymore. I've tried to tell him that I love him and wouldn't do anything to hurt him and there is nothing wrong with him but he thinks differently than I do and until I can figure it out we have to go.. How do I tell him about AS without making him feel there's something wrong with him and that he's going to be somebody very successful and happy?

Anyways... I appreciate this site! I'm sure I'll have more questions for ya'll.

Thanks guys.

Hi, Dmans Mom.

I don't know how I missed your thread in the introduction forum! Sorry and welcome.

My 12 year old son has his own account here and posts in the kids forums. He also used to post on www.sparktop.org but sorta quit that one. Perhaps your son would like to join Wrong Planet after you talk to him.

The thing is, an 11 year old has no idea what Asperger's means (usually). I think that's a plus as you can explain it in your own words. My child has been in special ed for dysgraphia since second grade and speech since K so it was no big deal for him. We just told him we were going to try to get more info on how his brain worked so that he could use it better. For the Dx, we used words almost exactly like Alex has on the home page: Aspergers means communication will be more difficult for him and he will need to learn some things others seem to know automatically.

I think at this age, the label becames an issue if we, the parent, think its an issue.

I know my case is different in that D's been getting services for years so I hope other parents wade in with thier experiences.

BeeBee

Welcome

My 11 year old son is an Aspie as well as I. My son takes things like you described with your son sitting on his bed. He will take the extreme answer.. like if someone at his aftercare says you can't go back into the gym because you cursed at so and so, he thinks I can't ever go into the gym again.
In my experience it is way more difficult to get services in Maryland in the school for Asperger's, but that also depende on the county you live in. We are in PG county. I would also apply for the Maryland DDA, call the Arc (you can get funding, a service coordinator and respite from them), and apply for the medicaid waiver (it is closed but it helps to be put on the waiting list for when it reopens.) Feel free to pm me if you have any questions as we are pretty experienced on getting services in the home. (We have an in home worker.)
As far as telling him... I didn't think this through very well.. and my son started using it as an excuse...
He has very poor social skills... he has finally been admitted to a group for that.
Well like I said PM me if you have any ?'s

Thanks BeeBee.. I think your right... My aunt teacher Autistic and AS children and when I first told her about Damon she goes.. oh he's at a great age to know this.. so I guess I can put it in my own words.. and I will definately show him this site and see if he'd like to post here..

Thanks again!
Terrie

Quietangel.. glad to know someone close to home is familiar with the system. I've talked to his one teachers n she told me that they are very familiar with aspergers at his school. I have a team meeting with all his teachers on the 4th. We live in Harford County.

I don't know if a home aide would help...Before I took him to the counceling center to see what was going on with him I had a lady coming from Villa Maria to the house for about 6 months.. she said he was depressed and wanted me to get him tested and maybe meds.. I was like no way.. and after awhile he started getting frustrated with her coming and would just sit there and not say a word. So I told her that we should probably stop the visits... but when he started throwing tantrums I knew I had to take him to see someone before he hurt somebody or himself.. I feel that his father moving out of the US might have something to do with his stress level thus causing him to be more sesitive to situations as well. I read that stress can cause symtoms to come out more.

I also hope that he doesnt' take advantage of this either.

anyways.. was nice to get some input!


Terrie

no problem... they have some good folks who work with social skills, and behaviors around here.. my youngest is also on the spectrum and he had to have a pretty intense behavioral therapy going for awhile.
We pretty much have home help with getting up in the morning..and homework in the evenings.. I can't be in two places at once...
Mine had some probs with depression last year, we tried meds but he didn't like how they made him feel, the only bonus to the meds was he actually showed emotions after taking them and it did decrease his anxieties. he is off all meds now though.

my son was just diagnosed this past summer at the age of 13. he went through a battery of tests with a neuropsych. we explained that the tests would help us to figure out how we could help him so that he would feel better ~ when the tests revealed aspergers, it took a few minutes to compose ourselves before we spoke to our son ( we'd already done plenty of research and felt that Aspergers was a fairly certain outcome). We explained to him that Aspergers simply means that his brain works slightly differently than others. We talked first about all of the positive things ~ and then, because he does have some insight into some of his feelings, he was able to see that Aspergers was perhaps "responsible" for him misperceiving others' intentions ( definitely a middle school problem). it took him some time to adjust. have you spoken with your son about the diagnosis yet ? do you have the diagnosis ? what about getting books on Aspergers that are at his reading level that might help him process the issues better than listening to you speak ?

Hi Dmans-mom, I'm very new here. But your post has really struck me, it hasn't been long since our son got the AS diagnosis. It sounds to me like your boy has some real sensory and personal space issues. My son does as well.

My son is younger, only 8. BUT he knows all about AS and can tell people what he needs. I don't have a lot of advise for you, but this. Tell him what he has is a GIFT, he is lucky that he will learn things easily that most people will struggle with. HE CAN learn how to make eye contact and control his personal space, and he will grow up to be a productive member of society and a much loved son.

We totally hear where you're coming from! On the sensory stuff - when you have the dx and can go to the school, be sure you get an eval from the OT the district has on staff and have them set up a good "sensory diet" for him at school. OT can also work with your child on ways to deal with sensory needs at school in a discrete manner.

I hear you on the misunderstanding things! It can be comical at times and other times just frustrating.

Be sure your IEP addresses organizational skills. If you ever want help getting an IEP hammered out feel free to PM me. And one thing that I feel is very important stress-wise for you and your child that we learned waaaay far into things is that school stuff needs to be handled at school. Keep school and home seperate. Your child needs to be able to come home and de-stress - not have school problems follow him everywhere with no break. Make sure everyone's responsibilities (parents, child and school) are clearly defined and don't muddle the boundaries.

Sorry, I sound preachy! :p On telling your child. I think at 11 we just pointed out to my son his unique qualites, both the good and the challenging and discussed how we needed him to do his part to make things better for himself. Eventually we gave him a label for it, but not right off the bat.

Jenn

Hi there, I've tried talking to my son a little bit.. but really wasn't sure what to say that's why I am asking for help here. I don't get an official dx until Feb 7th.. that's the next available appt. I do have an appt to have a team meeting with all his teachers on the 4th of Jan.. so that's a start. Books are a great idea.. thanks.. I know I looked up books online at our library and saw a few, so will check them out to see if any are age appropiate for him.

thanks for the ideas!
Terrie

Be sure you check out "Freaks, Geeks and Asperger's Syndrome." (I think that;s the name)

Its a book written by a teen about his life with Asperger's.

Good book!

We have never really said to my 8 yo that "you have ..." We used practical examples to help her understand why. Things like. You want to ride and bike and its hard, well the OT will help you so you can have an easier time learning how to ride the bike. You get frustrated by misunderstanding, the ST will help you understand what other people mean when they say different things. She knows she's different, she doesn't need anyone to tell her that. She wants to be like everyone else and We just tell her that while she will never be completely like everyone else the therapy and doctor visits help her come closer to being more like everyone and help her learn what to do when the differences get to be too much for her.

I'm glad someone asked this question. I have a 10yo son with AS. We got the diagnosis when he was 8 and still haven't told him. He's had speech since he was 4yo and has been tested by the schools, hospitals, etc, so he's used to doctors, evaluations, etc. But we have never known exactly how to tell him. My 12yo daughter has ADD and she tends to use it as an excuse, so we have been afraid of that. But to be honest, I just don't think he'd understand what we were telling him.

I totally hear you on the miscommunication thing! My son doesn't get sarcasm, metaphors, jokes, anything. Little things like the other day, while driving in the car, I told his sister not to look down on her brother for whatever reason and my son said "she's not looking down on me mom, she's looking out the window"....everything is taken literally! And he too is one who will argue till he's blue in the face...there is no rationalizing with him or reasoning - he is right, you are wrong, end of story.

I feel for you about the hugs. My son too is not affectionate. He's completely unemotional. He accepts hugs from me, but has only on a few occasions, spontaneously hugged me. Which is painful, since I come from a very affectionate family. But over the past two years I have slowly begun to learn that it is truly not personal. I forget that at times, but I have to remind myself that I know he loves me, whether he hugs me or not. But I know, it can be painful and hard. Especially if there are other siblings (such as my daughter) who are very affectionate.

But like the other posters, I have found humor in some of my son's antics or quirks. I call him my entertainer - he never ceases to amaze me - and a lot of times, he helps me to see things in a totally new way that, as one who does not have AS I would never have considered.

I guess, in the end, I will have to find the right words to express what Asperger's is and how it effects his thinking, but I appreciate the input on this particular question.

Hello there-
My son was just diagnosed with AS. Wasn't sure at first. However, I have been noticing his behavior had deteriorated over the last 3 years, since my divorce. I had been pushing for my ex to get him in counseling. She had refused and blocked my attempts to get him into counseling. Finally, after an outburst at school, she consented to testing. He is now 13.
As I first read the diagnosis and behaviors consistent with the diagnosis, I wondered if I had AS and managed to compensate over the years. Or I don't have AS, am a normal neurotic man, and then by extension, my son not have AS but just similar strengths and weakness. Very hard to decide how to handle.
I appreciate this site, and probably will get more involved with it as I begin to understand how to move forward. I will probably get my son to look at it too, for his own information and to help his feelings of solitude.

Hi Egghead~

My AS son also deteriorated after my divorce from his father. In addition, we moved a couple times to a couple of different states. He was not quite 1 y/o when we split, so I sort of thought it wouldn't effect him that much. However, from when he was 6 to even now he asks when his dad and I are going to get back together. At one point I noticed his urgency and asked him why it was so important to him. I also asked him if he felt it was his fault and he replied yes. From that point on I made it very clear to him that the divorce was not his fault and that his dad and I love him very much. I also sensed he felt abandoned because his dad didn't spend a lot of time with him. Toward that end I keep reasuring him that he will always be with me, and that I will always be there for him no matter what. Parents and kids cannot divorce. That seemed to help, but he still cannot fully get off the idea that we might get back together one day, even though we live 2000 miles a part and we are both remarried.

Like I tell my ex-husband, just try to be there for your son as much as possible and keep talking. I know men don't like to talk a lot, but I think it's important and is worth a try.

Good luck!

Crystal

Parents and kids cannot divorce. I like that.

Most kids have some kind of magical thinking, that they feel they caused the divorce, and therefore they can do things to bring it back together. My stepdaughter is 10 and has recently taken to acting out when I am gone on business, in an apparent attempt to get me back.

I think that our divorce was particularly hard because I was the main caretaker- I took the kids to school, met with the parents, went to plays. The vagaries of this country assigned the custody to the mother, and so all of those things were lost to both of us.

How often does your AS son seem to need to talk to you, that is, does your ex seem to note that 3x/wk calls makes him more reassured than once a week?