AS "therapist"

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I checked out this therapist's FAQs on AS. Wow, I don't even know where to begin. I found it to be an offensive, negative take on AS....esp. the part where she compares living with an Aspie as being subjected to water torture.

I guess, a good therapist is hard to find.

http://www.kmarshack.com/therapy/asperger/faq.html

One gets the distinct impression this woman had an unsuccessful personal relationship with an Aspie male and now hates anyone with AS. Her description of an Aspie/NT marriage is quite specific to the point of stereotyping Aspie behavior in minute detail - unfairly and incorrectly to boot. I think she's the one who's incapable of empathy. Surely capable though of a catty high-school social attack to malign the ex that spurned her, and anyone who happens to look, act, think, or smell like him forever, amen.

A lot of what she says about being married to Aspies just isn't true in all cases, and it's offensive that she'd just put all of that out there without qualifying any of it. I should know, I'm married to one of those undiagnosed aspies!

She certainly does sound bitter, that's for sure.

Eh. I think we need more people with ASDs to become therapists. It seems like there's a problem with NT therapists, for the most part, not really understanding how autistic people actually function.

I thought the same thing. She was talking about one AS male and she stereotyped everyone else. It made me cringe to read it. She didn't say anything positive about AS either and there are a lot of good things she could have mentioned.

The trouble with the descriptions is that there is no room in them for exception. It's, "they lived with a parent who could not nurture them," not, "they lived with a parent who had trouble nurturing them." It's never "sometimes" but just is, always, in all cases. Asperger's men get irritated when their wives gripe at them, they say, but honestly, how can anyone say that's exclusive to AS men? How much of working-class comedy is based upon that very concept? Does anyone like to be griped at and about, for that matter? And NT parents never alienate their children or have trouble connecting or nurturing, do they? (sarcasm) No, NT parents never have trouble accepting their children as they are or getting to know them properly. Are you sure this person is a professional? She's certainly not an expert.

If I wasn't such a craven little coward, I'd send her an angry e-mail. She's saying there NO way to teach communication skills to an Asperger's patient? NONE? And the poor, sainted NT has to do all the adapting? So the AS spouse is entirely at fault for everything, that's what she's giving people permission to say. She's going to cause divorces with talk like that. What an abominable, irresponsible little fool. The woman should have any license she might have revoked before she ruins more lives. I'm betting she gets a tidy fee every time she testifies at a divorce proceeding.

Wow! That was not very much fun for me to read. Thank you Tortuga for posting this. I thought you all might like to read the e-mail I sent to Kathy from the aforementioned site. I don't usually do this kind of thing, but it makes me mad that this is how she is trying to help people and how she is stereotyping people with AS. It's lengthy...Sorry. Was it too much?



Dear Kathy,

I have just finished reading your FAQ about the aspie and marriage. I would like to start off by saying that the whole piece seemed extremely opinionated and biased. It gives the impression that you have possibly been married to an aspie and had a bad experience so therefor you feel entitled to criticize male aspies as if you are an expert on the matter.

Therapist or no, you should be careful about expressing your opinions to people that are trying to educate themselves about aspies and/or living with an aspie. You basically state that men with asperger's are vengeful, indifferent, asexual, uncaring, too conservative and so self-absorbed that the marriage is doomed to end up feeling like some kind of torture (" “water torture.” It is the constant drip, drip, drip of small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship"). You are no kinder to women with AS stating that women with AS are "cold, uncaring, and selfish".

It is especially difficult to read your opinion that having parents with AS make for horrible childhoods, often with the children ending up depressed, with low self esteem and emotionally neglected. You state that the children often end up feeling unloved because of poor comunication.

I am not saying that there can not be these or other problems, but to suggest that this is the norm is irresponsible, and misleading. I get the impression that you have heard the worst of what a few clients have told you and made a conection with what you personally believe and are now preaching it as truth.

Most people seeking therapy are going to tell you the worst of it. That is why they are in therapy. They need help understanding the things in their lives and/or relationships that are most difficult. I really pitty the people that end up choosing you for their help.

You actually appear quite ignorant on the lives of aspies, their feelings, the fact that many are quite sensitive and compasionate, the fact that only the people with troubled marriages are seeking help for their marriage and that there are countless people happily married both to aspies and as aspies.

Unfortunately the picture you paint leaves out all the decidedly good things, the possitive things that being an aspie can be. Perhaps you need to research a bit more and speak to people that have AS and are happy in their relationships, the NTs that love their aspie spouse with all their heart, the children raised by an aspie who grow up in a understanding, compasionate, nurturing atmosphere, who know that they are loved and taken care of no matter what and who wouldn't want anyone but their aspie parent to be there for them and wouldn't change their parent for the world.

But I'm sure that that would be reaching for you because more than likely, these are not the people that seek you out for help...BECAUSE THEY ARE HAPPY WITH WHO THEY ARE, WHO THEY ARE WITH, AND HOW THEY WERE RAISED. You could benefit from spending some time with people with AS and people that love someone with AS that are not just sitting on your couch because they are going through a hard time. After all, you yourself state how prevelant the diagnosis is and I bet that for each person you see with these problems, there are thousands more in your area that don't need your help because they don't have the narrow set of problems that you list on your "informative site" which is supposed to "enrich my life"....Give me a big freaking break.

Sincerely,

Mandie, Mother with AS, raising three children (one with AS)

P.S. Just in case this letter serves to confirm your opinion that those of us women with AS are cold, let me asure you that no one either in my close family or extended family, no one that I work with, and none of my friends would describe me as cold-Just very good at communicating MY feelings in writting. And my coldness only extends as far as people like you.

i sent an email telling her to do some better research

I am flabberghasted!

I lived with an aspie BF for five years and that's nothing like my life with him. Her absolutes make me cringe and itch.

Not only have I sent a personal email, but I have reported her to the AMA for the site.

Yes! I agree. I found this particular perspective funny. I was imagining the same scenario.
Yet, in all honesty, my son does whittle away the moments self-absorbed, forever plotting and planning his next fixation, quest for something or return to an old favorite. It is an ongoing, what's next? And, I am merely his facilitator (so it seems at times).

It does help to have an awareness, hence understanding, of AS.

OMG!! !! !! !! ! my blood is boiling ! !! !! !!
words cannot even express the rage i feel towards this "professional"

I am married to an undiagnosed, most likely aspie, and this article is horrible. There are elements of truth, it's not always easy to connect with someone who can be emotionally distant or controlling, who's perspective is different in a lot of ways, who's communication can be very hard to decifer or who's conversation is stuck on one topic forever, etc. I find this article sickening. The word usage...such as it's a "tragedy" to have a child with an aspie spouse. Come on! My husband has his issues with my PDD son, but it's far from a tragedy. They are both learning each other, and they are growing closer every day. My husband is just as capable of learning and growing just like anyone else. Does it take more drama to get my point across? Sometimes. Is communication more difficult because of AS? Sometimes, but over the years we have worked on these issues, found similar interests, we've connected and we have a great marriage. Perfect? No. Easy? No. Healthy? yes, absolutely. Happy? Yes. for sure

This woman's angry and she is taking it out on the AS community.

My husband is also divorced. Although he didn't realize what he did at the time and felt he did nothing, he wasn't full of revenge. He was actually extremely cooperative. More than I would have been.

Wow.

Me, too! Completely agree

I couldn't believe she said, "Why is it so hard for NT's to live with THESE people. What? These people????
She is focused on how hard it is to live with someone who has AS but what about how hard it is for an AS person to live with someone who is NT?

I guess I'm pretty lucky I go to a really understanding psychologist, he's older, but I think we've learned alot from each other (he has a grandson that is 5 diagnosed with autism). She doesn't sound at all like she delves into the 'why' of things

One or two things irked me, but over all she describes my mom and dad almost like she personally knows them.

Well, GRANTED I didn't read everything, but she looks like the average STUPID woman(I am NOT saying women in general are stupid) that does NOT understand men, and expects them to think as she does. Men and women DO think, behave, act differently. The average woman thinks the average man is distant and unappreciative. A man wants ACTION, and a woman may demand EXPRESSION. That is based on my experience, what many women have said, what many men have said, and various TV shows/movies. This isn't an AS thing.

It might seem that a man could simply learn how women think, and adapt, or vice versa. Well, the SAME could be said of an AS person becoming NT. It just won't happen. Sorry. A SMART woman or man, will realize this, and try to strike a middle ground. Realizing how things might be done, and try harder to communicate both ways.(in talking to the other, and accepting what is given, etc...)

As for revenge, many NT men have tried revenge, etc... Personally, I wouldn't do that.

To add insult to injury, I guess she has NO idea about men so she attributes the little info she has gleaned as being due to AS! Maybe she should read the best selling book called "Men are from mars, women are from venus". Funny thing, it doesn't mention AS! Amazon says it is their tenth best selling book in "love and romance".

http://www.amazon.com/Men-Mars-Women-Ve ... 583&sr=8-2

She says she is a "Licensed Psychologist & Family/Business Consultant". They should revoke the license. She does NOT understand, or want to understand, males, so she CAN'T help with the family. She has no understanding of people in general, so how can she be a psychologist, or help with business?