8 year old son and "private parts"

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,
the parent of a my son's friend just informed me that my son was telling her son who is 5 yrs old to keep it a secret that my son wanted to see his "private parts".

OMG... my husband and I will sit down and talk to him about how that is inappropriate.
How did you handle this situation if it happened to you?

Advice, please!
Thanks

I totally went through this phase as a kid. It's curiosity. I would suggest not making a big deal about it but to explain that these parts are personal and private. I have a similar issue where my son hates clothes, and will come out of the bathroom naked, even when we have company. I would guess your child knows that there is something inappropriate about it otherwise he wouldn't have asked that it be a secret. I would also address the "secret" part. That may be more of an issue.


Good Luck!

Thanks.... I still need more advice... PLEASE ! !!

My son has had a facination with the human anatomy for a couple of years... he wants to see the actual parts... not the kind you find in kids books.

What to do... what to do.

From what I've heard from studying psychology, it's normal for kids to be curious about that sort of thing, especially between the ages of 3 and 8.

I personally don't see anything indecent or sexual about an 8 year old being interested in this as opposed to a 12 year old.

As far as behaviour goes, it's quite normal - particularly for an aspie who isn't as shy of those things as most kids are.
It doesn't mean that your son is going to grow up peculiar etc...

Dealing with it from a parental point of view is another matter.
I'm not really sure how you'll convince him that an activity that seems to him to be harmless is actually harmful. My kids are almost, but not quite, at that stage.

I remember my own parents getting upset about things like that - so I just hid them.

Around that age I had to flat out tell my son that he couldn't do such things because it would be misunderstood and there would be big, nasty consequences in the real world. I was clear that I understand he did it in innocence, but that others wouldn't understand that, and the time to move beyond toddler innocence on all these things was now. Once a boy reaches the age where he can't follow his mom into the girl's restroom, he has also reached the age where he will be expected to keep his personal parts private, and respect the privacy of others by not requesting or attempting to violate it. I told him that in a few years, if he hadn't changed his habits in the area, he could be sent to JAIL for it, it is THAT important to honor privacy. I remember ending a playdate because the two boys ganged up on my daughter and forced her to strip. I talked the same to both boys, and told them again that I knew they didn't really understand why it was serious, but that it was time to learn, and this was why the playdate was over, because it was a message they needed to get loud and clear. If it ever happened again, there would be far more serious consequences.

It took 2 or 3 of those types of things for my son to really "get" it, but - I THINK - he does, now. And, well, he's also "grown up."

These are the sorts of things that worry me most with my AS son. He seems to grow up a year or two behind the scale, and society isn't going to allow for that. The expectations at certain ages are clear, regardless of how relatively innocent any one child may be. Sometimes we're stuck breaking that innocence to help protect our kids.

PS -

Maybe in response to that human anatomy curiosity you could take him someplace they dissect cadavers to observe? I can't believe I'm suggesting that - it's so intense, but .... Or maybe get one of those plastic dummys with removable parts.

I would NEVER take my son to see cadavers dissected ! !! !! !! !! !!
That's a suggestion I would never ever take.
Sorry.

There's this book Where Did I Come From by Peter Mayle (ISBN: 0-8184-0253-9). It has cartoony-looking graphics of naked human bodies, along with proper names for various parts. While the graphics in the book aren't photo-realistic, they give a good picture of what a nude person looks like. Or you can take your son to an art museum, and show him some exhibits that depict nude bodies (ancient Greek for male, Romanticism for female). This way, you can at least justify it with the fact that you're teaching him about art.

To be honest, if you son is curious, just tell him to stay away from the "real live thing" and find his examples in print or online.

I can't see a teenage boy with internet access having too much trouble finding out what things look like.

Thanks for all your responses thus far... it's really great to have a forum like this to be able to speak in anonymity.

My husband and I had a talk with our 8 yr old son about the "secret" he made his 5 yr old friend keep....
My son got very upset, cried, and said he wanted to kill himself.
I realize that he says things like this (I think) because he has a hard time expressing his embaressment.... when I really dug into his inner emotions, he told me he was upset because he wasn't "cool" anymore.

I re-assured him that he was still cool and that this was part of normal curiosity, and I told him about my experience playing "you show me yours" when I was his age, so he wouldn't feel like he was so different in this curiosity.

I also explained that he is not a bad person for being curious, it's just that "private parts" are named private because you are supposed to keep it to yourself ... your parts, that is.
And, that it is not appropriate for anyone to ask to see your privates unless it's your parents or doctor.

I hope I did the right thing.... I feel like I did.
We'll see.

With my son's sense of fairness and justice, I try to make it clear that there's a balance. The rules are that you do not touch or look at another person's privates, and they don't get to see or touch yours. It's still taking time, he's ADHD, which I mention because I think it relates to his impulsiveness, so if something is forbidden it's like it's calling to him and he just has to see what will happen if he pushes things. Also, he seems to find his privates endlessly amusing. Not just in an earthy touchy sort of way but just because they're all dangly and jiggly... Though he's mentioned that they're fun to play with, and I don't think he means anything nasty, but that his "bits" as we call them are just... bendy. He's always had a distinct sense of humor. One could say weird. But distinct will do.

It seems funny discussing this so frankly, but it's just how it's had to be with him. He's a very open child, to say the least.

I'm sure that you did the right thing.

Your son's reaction is well within the norms for aspies but make sure that you follow it up with something nice. A treat etc... to get his mind off things.

Aspies tend to dwell in sadness otherwise. Depression is a hazard for us.