Daughter's friendship going too far?

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Back in December my husband and kids were invited to a Christmas party at the house of one of our family friends. One of the guests there was a guy named Steve. He is middle aged, around 50 I'd guess. At the party my kids got along great with him. They were joking and laughing the whole time.

After the party, they continued to keep in touch using e-mail. They sent messages every day right after the party. By now it has dwindled to a message once a week. From what I have heard, she has met him twice since then. He is a classical musician who is fairly known in our area. In March, she went on his website to see a list of his concert dates. Both times, she found out where his concert would be and figured out which buses she would need in order to get there. (She has a learners permit, but no license yet so she can't drive).

After the first performance was over, Steve offered to drive her to the station. She said she didn't want to bother him, but he insisted that driving her would be no trouble at all. His next concert was in New York, so she had to take a lot of transportation to get there. This time he offered to drive her all the way home. It takes about two hours to drive from NY to where we live.

She is in college and comes home once every two weeks or so. We weren't expecting her to come home this weekend, so imagine how surprised we were when she came in the house around 1 am. When asked what she was doing late at night, she told us about the concert. After it was done, Steve said he was hungry and walked to a nearby restaurant. She said she wondered whether there was enough money in her wallet to get food for herself. Steve told her not to worry; he would pay for the two of them. She said she felt guilty about having him do all this for her. Once again he said that it wasn't a problem.

I am getting concerned. I know some people say that age is just a number, but I can't understand how an older teen can befriend someone 30+ years older than they are. She has always been shy. In middle and high school she did talk to other kids in school but didn't hang out at the movies or at friends houses like other teens until the last few months of senior year. She seems to be one of those people who have difficulty relating to peers, and finds it easier to relate to those who are much older. From what she told me everything with Steve is platonic. Even if it wasn't, she is still 18 and a legal adult, so statutory rape laws wouldn't apply. I know the dinner in NYC was unplanned but it still feels like sort of a date. The idea of an 18-year-old girl spending time alone with a much older married man is unsettling. What would you do if it were your kid?

Well the thing is she isn't a kid even if you still call her one. At 18 she is a legal adult and there's not a darn thing you can do if you object to her being around him.

I understand your concern and he probably is expecting sex if he hasn't already forced the issue. But that's a lesson she has to learn for herself. I'm 39 and my best friends have always been much older than me and they still are to this day. My friends are in 50's and 60's except for two in their mid-40's. When I was in my late 20's I did date 60's yr olds on occasion. I think its always like that when you are an Aspie you only get along with people that are older and more mature. I never had friends my age and actually hate most people my age as they are so vain, shallow and all they do for fun is smoke pot and drink themselves into a stupor. I suppose there is worse things you're daughter could be doing besides going to classical music concerts and eating dinner with some old guy. At least she isn't doing meth or stealing. Think about that!

It always seemed to me that with age-peers there's more narrow expectations about how you come across socially -- how you present, speak, know what's cool & what isn't, correct slang, 'correct' interests & views, etc etc. But if there's a 'cultural gap' people are usually are a lot less rigid about that. There isn't the expectation that all that stuff will match up. I always have the most trouble with people my own age (at whatever age I am).

It's hard to tell, but maybe he really was just hungry and payed out of "you're just a poor college student, and I can afford to pay for both." OTOH, maybe that wasn't the reason at all...

Since she's an adult maybe about all you can do is talk to her about it and how she feels about things. Maybe it's a cliche, but a classical musician with social prominence sounds like the kind of thing a young woman might have some overly-romantic fantasies about.

Or maybe casually mention to the guy's wife oh-thank-him-for-buying-her-dinner-money-is-so-tight-for-her or something like that? (I have no idea, really; I can't pull off things like that.)

While your concerns seem to be focused on whether he might take advantage of your daughter, or whether his behaviour is or isn't appropriate, I think it might be a good idea also to look at this from his point of view.

As others have said, it's possible for people of different ages to have a platonic relationship, especially if they have a shared interest, for example classical music. And of course, even though the relationship might be platonic, an older man would surely consider it gentlemanly and courteous to offer to drive your daughter home and to pay for her meal, especially if she's a student and not working. Everything might be innocent, especially as you say he is a family friend, and he might see himself as more of a fatherly figure.

However, it's possible that he's misunderstanding your daughters actions. If she travelled so far to see his concert, it's possible that he has misinterpreted her interest. I mean, yeah, we all like a bit of music of whatever genre, but there's a difference between liking music, and being prepared to travel for two hours to attend a concert. He might think that there's an element of your daughter not just liking the music, but liking him, being attracted to him.

Have you spoken to your daughter about whether she finds him attractive? I mean, from his perspective, he's an older man, perhaps less attractive in general terms than he was when he was younger, and here's a young student, showing an interest in him, he might be flattered, he might be misinterpreting your daughter's interest in music as an interest in him.

When I was 17, my best friend was a man twice my age. Recently divorced, unemployed, brilliant, total loser. Looking back, I'm sure he was an Aspie. I knew even then that he was a total loser and I had no romantic interest at all. I just liked him. He was just what I needed at that moment. He was my main pal for well over a year. We met through his mother, who was a friend of my friends. Sometimes we hung out at his mother's house, sometimes elsewhere. We had a lot of fun. A lot of the time, we teased each other like brother and sister. Looking back, I have to admit that it sounds strange. But hey -- I'm strange. What can I say? I'm trying to picture my daughter, now 14, with someone like that... I'm not sure. I would have mixed feelings. I think I would encourage them to hang out at our house. Your daughter being away at college complicates things.

call the 50 year old man and tell him that it is not appropriate for him to ride in a car, ALONE with your 18 year old daughter.

Inappropriate? For a young woman to slightly idolize a older gentleman with certain talents? Inappropriate for a older man to be a gentleman and take a girl home so she doesn't have to ride a bus? Is it wrong for someone to enjoy someones company, platonic or not so platonic?

Greek history seems to chronicle man/boy relationships, and your curious why your 18 year old daughter is enjoying listening to a guy play the piano.... I've heard first hand story's about mothers who have had daughters get drugged and near-raped at partys - but make an escape in their car that they crashed because they finally passed out on the way out of the party... Let her enjoy living...

And for the record, there are just naturally nice guys out there. I've gone out of my way 10 miles to get a girl a sandwich who I didn't know/had no sexual interest in. Its called - being friendly.

Up until I was about 9, my best friend was a man about 35+ years older than I was. BTW we were both straight, and I am. He died when I was about 8 or 9. When I was in my late 20s, I knew a few women around 18 that liked me. One acted like she was 14. I drove HER around a lot.

It IS possible he just cares for her.

Is she the type of person who is gullible and easy to take advantage of?

If so, I would definitely be concerned. He is a married man, age aside. Given age, he has a lot of years and experience behind him. With that said, the only thing I think you could do is explain to her your concerns. If she decides to continue contact with this person, then just be there for her. If the relationship is dwindling, then perhaps it will disappear.

He may see her like a daughter or granddaughter, too. There could be a lot more to the story. Even so, I just think the whole thing is a little strange personally.

isn't it also possible that your daughter is misintepreting the situation ?
why haven't you tried to contact the 50 year old on your own ?

just saying that your daughter is putting herself in a potential date rape situation. all the 50 year old guy has to do is slip a Rufus into her drink.