Mom, I changed my mind

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My sons words this afternoon. He said, "I have changed my mind, I want to go to first grade next year." A little background: Nate is very young for his grade. His birthday made the cutoff by two weeks. He is a lot smaller than most kids. Most people think he is only three years old - yes three.

In the car, Nate said "I will be too bored in the beginning of kindergarten, so I want first grade." He has heard me say this to other people. I thought I made sure to say that so he couldn't hear but then again, Nate has supersonic hearing and can hear something from a mile away. He then told me that he doesn't like kindergarten because he hates boring stuff like circle time. He hates singing those songs and the whole circle time stuff is boring to him. I do know they have some circle time in first grade but the focus is a lot more intellectually stimulating.

I then told him that if he truly wants to go to first grade, he needs to stop picking on other kids (he literally picks and uses his finger to jab at them). Lately he has been having a bit of an attitude but I have to admit, I am a bit amused. He is actually acting pretty typical for a child his age lately. I don't see a lot of his behaviors as disability related. He seems to be becoming more "typical" and less spectrum like. He is still on the spectrum but I really haven't noticed it as much lately. He may be picking on kids not only for attention perhaps as a way to communicate with his peers. Who knows. He goes to a private school so they don't have a clue how to conduct a functional behavior assessment. Next year he will be going to public school I work at with a wonderful special ed and administeration team. The school specializes in math and tech as well, so he will do wonderful there.

I also told him that he needs to work on his reading more. He then said, "Yes maam, I will" while giving me a salute. He currently has a bad attitude toward reading but when I make reading into a game, he kicks butt (does about average to slightly above average). He is almost at a 2nd grade level in math.

He then told me that if anyone picks on him because of his size, he will say "My daddy is tall and I will get taller someday. I am also the youngest in class." I told him that I was worried because he was the youngest in school. He then said, "I will have friends, many many friends." That is the part I am the most worried about. He is still developmentally young for his age. I didn't even ask him about that, he brought it up.

After all of this he said, "I will be bored in kindergarten." If first grade doesn't have the boring circle time and stuff like that, I will work hard in reading. I hate circle time. Boring." He said something like that, just paraphrasing.

Based on his recent behavior in school, I feel like I am making a mistake by holding him back. He obviously wants to work hard on showing 1st grade behavior for the rest of the year - he told me that. He wants to work on his reading. He wants to do anything in order to avoid circle time. LOL.

Oh - side note:
Nate was sick the other day - around 102 temp. When he was sick, he was able to complete ALL of his work in record time. He wrote the numbers 1 - 100 quicker than most other kids when he is usually the slowest (yet has the best writing). He also was able to complete his math facts and do them correctly in record time. His processing speed is usually extremely slow YET being sick seemed to help him. Very interesting stuff. Perhaps he was too sick to be overstimulated? Maybe they told him he needed to complete his work before dad came to pick him up. If that happened, then I know for sure we can't hold him back.

The hardest thing about this decision is my husband's side of the family and my husband. They all feel that he needs to be held back due to his size and age. They are all extremely tall people so of course they will think about size. I was always the runt. The first time I ever skipped school was in kindergarten. I was bored. I was the youngest and always struggled yet if my mom held me back, it would have been horribly boring for me too. She did the right thing. Catch 22 sometimes.

Well good luck. There's no easy answer.

My inclination would be to go to first grade. I missed the first grade cutoff by a couple weeks, but somehow my Mom got me admitted. The academics were never a problem and I typically made friends with other nerdy kids in my grade or older.

I was always the worst in class at sports. I was small and slow. But my family never put any value on that so gym class was just something to be endured.

Good luck.

I read somewhere (I think it was an article on neurodiversity.com) that during a fever, many autistic problems die down. I don't know if that applies here.

I started first grade when I was 5. My emotional age was probably 3. I never made friends and I was socially confused. However, I did make all A's and was reading on a 4th grade level. It's hard to tell you what to do, because your son's situation is different.

I don't know if I started later if I would have had the same degree of social problems.

That is exactly the hard part. He is emotionally speaking the same as a 3 1/2 year old, almost four year old child (he is getting older:)) . Academically and intellectually, he is much higher - at least similar to an 8 - 9 year old in a lot of ways.

Whitetiger - I would love to read that article. That sounds very interesting.

Well, you could always start him in September in first grade, and if he's struggling and wants to go back, to move him back to kindergarten? I'm not sure about the education system over there, but surely that is allowed to happen? Can't hurt to try, that's all I'm saying.

Now, take this with realizing that I'm talking about my husband who is not on the spectrum and my older son who is not on the spectrum.. but... they both started 1st grade early.

For my husband it has NEVER been an issue. He was youngest by over a year (he was a sort of wonderkind), but he was tall for his age, mature for his age and WAY advanced academically for his age. It was the ONLY decision for him and it was never a negative.

My older son's bday is August 29th and most places we've lived Sept. 1 was the cut off (though not where we live now which is Oct. 1). We also knew very early we would not hold him back. He is (was) very bright and needed to go forward, but he was also very tall for his age, but... his maturity was always a bit behind as was his physical coordination and it did cause a bit of a problem, but one that we just worked with. He also has really strong ADHD and that has posed the biggest obstacle, but... Academically, he is in full time gifted education and we try to IMAGINE what it would be like for him if he were held back... He's doing honors Algebra 1 and he started that a couple days after he turned 12. He is excelling... Actually, two years ago he did Algebra workbooks in 6 weeks - on his own 'for fun'.... I think he would feel MISERABLE if he were having to wait to do the things he wants to do academically. (he was begging my husband to teach him algebra in 4th grade).

My 3 year old (soon to be 4) has an April birthday, so we don't worry, but even though his verbal skills are behind, he's HUGE for his age and is at prereading level (sight reading several words) knows how to count to over 100, understands simple subtraction and addition, so I cannot IMAGINE holding him back a year just to catch up on his verbal skills. Maybe I'm wrong in this, but I figure it will help him more to be around kids he is peers with at other levels instead of speaking levels. Time will tell, I guess, huh?

Size issue I think should be disregarded. I think that is the lamest reason to hold anyone back like EVER. I have two very good friends who were the smallest in their class, so what? My good friends kids are from China and they are TINY, but so what? being better at sports if they are held back is the least important reason kids are in school. Heck, my brother was always the shortest in his class (grew to be 6'2") and he never felt it was an issue. SHORTNESS happens and that is the last thing to consider for what age to go to school. I would totally listen to your son... If he wants to go - it's his life, right?

I dont have very effective advice to give here other then to restate what I have said before.

Your son wont fit the standard mold of skills vs. maturity, that is arguably the best definition of AS/HFA. His academic skills will always be far ahead of his maturity level, so if you keep holding him back in the hopes that he will fit in better, he will always be bored out of his mind. It is better to place him according to his academic abilities then his social ability. Simply put, he wont fit in socially no matter what grade you put him in, but he might as well get a good education.

The only reason I could see holding your child back is if the advancement to 1st grade would cause him so much anxiety that he would learn less then had he just stayed back. And really, the amount of anxiety he will feel is completely up to him. So if he is ready for it, then by all means let him move on. If he feels he isnt ready for it then you might want to reconsider.

As for being short and skiny, I wouldnt see that as an issue in holding your child back. I have always been the shortest person in my class until my senior year in high school when i finally hit 5 foot and was taller then the shortest girl. I didnt reach my full height of 5'6" until I was 21. Ive was always in the bottom 1% height wise while growing up, and I have always been incredibly skinny on top of that. Today I am 5'6", and only 105 lbs, so you can extrapolate from that how small I was growing up. Combined with the general clumsiness inherent in ASD, and you can see why I was always picked last for sports.

I was picked on quite a bit in my childhood for being so small. But as I look back now, I can see that children would have picked on me for anything. Simply put, I was easy prey. My height wasn't the reason I was ostracized, it was just the easiest thing for them to point out. If your son's school is diligent in creating an accepting environment where bullying and picking on others is strictly controlled then your son wont have many problems with being small. If your son's school doesnt do much to stop the teasing then your son will be picked on whether he is the shortest or the tallest kid in the class. His size might be what they tease him about, but its not the reason they chose him as the target. Waiting another year till he is a little bigger wont change the situation of him being teased. That's more a function of the other children, and the environment at the school, not his height.

As always, you know your son better then I do, so the decision is up to you. If he shows improvement in his ability to handle situations and you think he could handle first grade, then go for it. If you think he would become to stressed out then you may want to consider trying kindergarten again, at least for the first semester. You can always re-evaluate over winter break and move him up to 1st grade if he shows improvement. Its not as though he will miss much by skipping a semester of first grade history lessons.