Mum of 18 year old UK

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Hi,
We dont have any forums or discusions like this in the UK, although there are some great support groups.
Trouble is, although our son, aged 18, knows he has Apergers, he wont DO anything about his difficulties and seems to be in constant battle with society accepting him as he is. I know its hard, and I know I cant make him (I am actually a Special Ed teacher so know Aspergers very well), but I just worry! His 'friends' have socially grown apart from him and he would be quite happy staying in and playing computer games, all day. Although 18, he is socially around aged 14.

He goes to college (college starts at age 16 in the UK) but is not a natural academic at all, so is struggling. Most of his friends are on the same course, but this is level up from last years media course and he cannot keep up with the work. The college have been great and are supporting his application to transfer to a new course. This took quite some courage for him, as he did think about just sticking at it, to prevent all the enevitable changes.

He has difficulty with relationships of course, both male and female - male because he is so socially 'different' or at least has different likes to his pwn age group, and female because he hates to be touched and has a terrible fear of 'nagging' women - doesnt like lenghty conversation and has worked out that women are responsible for lots of chat!!

Anyway, there are so many issues, that I dont know where to begin!

What exactly is it that you want him to work on?

For example, do you want him to go out and do more with his friends? This may seem like a good thing to you, but you probably dont realize how hard it can be for him. Trying to get him to do something that he dislikes is fine if there is a useful result. For example, going to the dentist for a routine checkup is bothersome, but it has enough advantages to make it worthwhile. Going out and socializing might have no advantages for your son, and plenty of downsides. And in that case, nagging him to do it so he can be 'normal' will do nothing but annoy your son and mess up your relationship.

Consider carefully what it is you want from your child. Do you want him to be normal, or to be happy? Just because going out with other people makes you happy doesnt mean he has the same results. You shouldn't be pressuring him to be somebody he isnt.

Also, at age 18 he is old enough to talk for himself, show him this website and tell him to get on. If he is struggling with something we are much more likely to understand it and help him compared to trying to transfer all the information through you.

Seconded.

Set him free and see what he does.

If he isn't doing well at college, then he's probably not enjoying it.

I failed my first year entirely and my mother forced me to get a job. I got an easy one in the Library and started to enjoy it. After six months, I didn't want to leave but I went to University part-time. There's no way I'd ever do study full time again.

Yep... you may need to talk to him... if he is really interested in doing nothing, like me, this may be probably due to him having no goals in life. Without any goal it is really difficult for Aspies to go on and study. Maybe we can really investigate his interests. Like if he likes art, he can try art school. If not, if he is good at his hands, craft or vocational schools may also help. Do not be restrained by the stereotypes or whatsoever related to each and every job, as long as he can work on something, I really hope it helps. It really depends on your observations. After all, you two don't talk much...

As for relationships, just be more patient (though you may have done this for the past years) and maybe he really needs more male friends to talk to. And fortunately, males at my age will usually talk about girls, so I am sure he will open up more to girls.

And if he needs an Aspie friend, he may mail me at [email protected] and I hope I can really help if needed.

The special interest is the key to aspie success. Find out what the interests are and he can make a career out of them - even if it is being a games tester.

There are lots of UK people here.

One very important thing you didn't mention is does he want to to socialise and have friends? If this is something that he wants for himself but is struggling with then you should definitely encourage him and push him to socialise, he may need the extra encouragement. However if he doesn't want to go out and doesn't want friends then please don't force him or nag him to go out. As has already been mentioned social situations are often unpleasant with no obvious advantages. Friends are not required to have a happy life.

The Internet and online games can also be a route for social interaction, often one that is easier to cope with for an aspie. Are the computer games he plays single player, or does he play with other people?


In my experience as an aspie if something does not interest me then no amount of work or effort will make the information sink in. However if something does catch my interest i will very quickly soak up anything and everything to do with that subject. So, if your son is not getting on well in the course he is on then changing is a good idea, there will be something out there that will catch his interest, but he may need encouragement to keep searching for that subject.

I also second the idea of sending him onto WrongPlanet himself. If he is battling against the society for acceptance then there is a lot of information on here that will help him. Even realising that there are so many other people who are having a similar experience can be very helpful.