Introducing myself: MOM - 6 year old with AS - Chicago area

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Hello,

I am new to Wrong Planet but not so new to Asperger's. I've known that my son has been on the spectrum since he has been just over 2 years old and now he is 6. I also have a 2 year old now who I am certain also has AS, although he is not officially diagnosed (currently receives early intervention therapy)

Right now we are having a lot of issues at school. My son is in kindergarten and he is trying so hard in every area. He is doing well academically but the social piece is giving him so much trouble. He says inappropriate things to his classmates which we believe are his attempt to make conversation - but it backfires. He can not physically or socially keep up with them on the playground. His issues have set him apart from all of the other kids in the class and he just doesn't fit in. I don't know if he understands all of this yet but I do get the feeling that these negative interactions do impact him every day. We have all of his therapists and teachers working on this but it is really stressing us out. He has really been singled out as the "weirdo" in his class and no one is asking him for playdates anymore. I don't want to change him but I also don't want him to experience his childhood feeling like an outsider.

I am not sure if this is related somehow to what is going on in school but he has experienced increased anxiety at home and at school lately. At night he has trouble going to sleep. He talks about sleeping while sitting up and cries at bedtime for long periods of time. I am so confused by what is going on with him. His brain is wired so different from mine that I really have a lot of trouble relating or helping him in these very tense situations. I feel very overwhelmed by these situations and I usually let my husband handle them if he is around. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Anyhow, I found myself really wanting to interact with parents who have similar challenges. I have not been able to find anything like this in my community and my husband has been telling me about wrongplanet for a year now.

Thanks for reading,
Julie

first off, welcome to WP !
As far as the anxiety piece of the puzzle goes, I would be hard pressed to decide whether the increased anxiety is caused by lack of sleep, or whether the lack of sleep is caused by increased anxiety.............my daughter is currently having a difficult time in school. she often "falls asleep" during school ( I know she's faking it, because she's been enticed 1 too many times to participate- amazing how unsleepy she is when it's something she wants to do !).........In addition to the fake sleeping in school, she has difficulty falling asleep at night. both of these behaviors are related to school anxiety. she hates school- we've been trying to remedy the situation, but the school has been less than cooperative...

You can't change him - please don't ever think for a minute that is even a remote possibility - attempting to do so at any point in his life will only make you both miserable. Yes, indeed, his disability will affect him every day of his life, that's why it's a disability. At least for you, it has a name and some explanation. Imagine if you (and he) had no idea WHY he didn't ever seem to fit in.

Being singled out as a weirdo should be treated as a badge of honor - nobody with intelligence and integrity would ever want to be just another sheep in the herd. Seriously, when peers treat him as odd, just remind him that being unique is special, even if it's sometimes a little lonely. There's a reason why Batman has his cave and Superman his Fortress of Solitude.

It's tough, but it's survivable. Diagnosed last summer, I turn 50 next month and had never heard of AS before five years ago. And everything you've said resonates with every moment of my own childhood.

Being singled out as a weirdo should be treated as a badge of honor - nobody with intelligence and integrity would ever want to be just another sheep in the herd.


I love that! (how do you make the quote go in the little white box? )

Welcome to Wrong Planet! My son is also having social trouble in school, (7, first grade) as well as meeting expectations from his teacher. The school is for kids with neurological difficulties but he still is having trouble coping. I am just now realizing how hard growing up will be for him (and me). Stick around...WP will help!

Thanks for replying.

Bill, because this stuff resonates with you, I would love to be able to get your opinion on things from time to time. Would you mind this?

If you mean me, that would be fine. Holla!

Hi momofaspiex2; you've come to the right place

Welcome to WP!

If possible, work on the teachers and the other parents. Just because our kids don't fit in doesn't mean they have to be treated as outsiders. They have gifts, generally, as well. An understanding and welcoming community will take the time to see those gifts. My son's elementary school community was amazing in that way; it wasn't tolerated when he was teased, and the teacher's took great care to applaud his gifts in front of the other kids. He made friends. He played soccer for 5 years and tried a couple of seasons of softball - he wasn't talented at any of it, but we made certain he had coaches who would be encouraging and patient. He went to after school care a few days a week with a wonderful caregiver, who spent a lot of time helping him navigate the social waters, and the school created lunch bunches for him a few other kids that my son loved. It is so important in these years for a child to get a positive sense of his place in this world. By middle school and high school we, as parents, pretty much lose control over it, but in elementary school we CAN help craft an environment that allows the child to thrive. I'm not talking popularity here; we don't have kids that are going to become social magnets; but we do have kids that can be RESPECTED for being exactly who they are, and that comes from the community at your child's school. If the school can't give your child that, look for a different one.

Hi Julie,

I am a mom of a 5 year old boy with AS. Your story made me very sad. I am so terrified of my son feeling the way your son feels in school. My son also have a lot of anxiety as well as social deficits. I've already seen him being withdrawn in play dates and I know if he went to a typical school he would automatically be teased. He also says very inappropriate and mean things to other children unintentionally. Right now he is in special education. In my opinion it is a great school for him. The children there have delays, most of them are adhd or hfa asd or as. He loves school and the kids are very nice to him. My nephew goes to a regular kindergarten class and I have picked him up from school and I could NEVER imagine my son in that school. It's loud and chaotic and I know he would instantly fall behind. My son is extremely bright, he can count over 300, can add, is beginning to read and has been surfing the internet since he was two but he does not belong in a regular class, unless he has an aide. A lot of parents don't want their kids in special education, whether it's the stigma attached or because they want them to go to college. I feel like there is plenty of time to think about college. Right now he's developing his self worth. The teasing and ridicule will only ruin him for the future. My brother in law has never gone to college and is now making over 80k as a web developer. I know education is important but so is my son's self-esteem. If I were you, I would immediately intervene. Call a school conference and talk to his teachers. She what options are available for you and about your state laws on education. Now that he has a dx, he should be getting certain special privileges to accommodate his disability. Besides talking to the school department, contact some asd programs in your town. In my state I am very lucky, we have so many programs for kids with asd. My son used to go to a social skills group for kids of all functioning levels to bond with other kids with asd. It's important to let your son know he is NOT ALONE. When my son first when to his social skills group he turned to me and said with a smile, "he's like me??" and pointed to another little boy who also had asd. I think of my son as a pretty happy child dispite his disability and I know your son can be also. Even though I don't know you or your son, it breaks my heart to hear about him crying in bed for hours. If you would like to talk feel free to email me

Malya2006-Thanks for your heartfelt response. I am so impressed that your son can actually see the other kids that are like him. My son is completely oblivious to this. My son was in a special ed classroom for early childhood and my assessment is that environment is not a good one for him. My reason is that most of the kids are sensory seeking and my son is the opposite. He's had much more trouble in a chaotic classroom with kids of all abilities than being mainstreamed. We also sent him to a camp last summer for special kids. It was a disaster because he really got pushed around (literally) unintentionally by the other kids. The special classrooms all seem to be way too overwhelming. I do believe he is at the right school and even in the right community for him. We live in an area that embraces diversity. If he is going to fit in anywhere, I think it is here. We just have to figure out solutions for him and it isn't easy for me because I don't completely understand how his brain works. I am not sure if the crying at night is related to school...he has a lot of anxiety about not having control of his body when he falls asleep and I just need to figure out how to help him cope. I am not sure if he understands how the other kids feel about him. He does not know about his diagnosis because I don't think he would understand at this point but when we feel he is mature enough to grasp the concept, then we will talk about sharing it with his peers. The school says that other kids are much more sensitive if they understand why the special needs kids act the way they do.

Your son sounds like he is adorable. I am glad that you found the resources in your state to help you. Thanks again for your post

thank you for your response, im sorry to imply that your son should be in a special education school. i know for our circumstance my son fits perfectly there. im glad your son is in in the right school and right community. i guess your issues are much more intense and requires properly understanding your son to understand why he's doing the things he does. my son is also VERY anxious about everything from things breaking around the house to things not going perfectly as he planned. he has to control everything around him because he can't control his body. with my son, i was told visual schedules will help with this. just because he needs control of something in his life and he can almost choose his own scheduled activities. i tell him what his none preferred activities like bathroom breaks or night time but he can pick things he wants to do in the middle. u would think visual schedules are for kids who can communicate but it can also be for high functioning kids that feel like their lives are out of control. it's very scary for a kid growing up period but throwing asd in the mix it's even worse. my son is also the opposite of sensory seeking. he is VERY gentle, TOO gentle, he can't even use the monkey bars or hold a pencil right because his grip is too soft. his little 3 year old sister is tougher then him. but somehow he fits well with all the adhd kids that are running around, i think it's because they have a lot of teachers in there, a total of 3, and their are only 12 kids. i think the adhd kids teach him to be a little more rambunctious lol. i wish there were a place for both our sons, the gentle, smart sensitive kind lol.

I would be looking more for homeschool.
Schools in general are all nothing but Industrial Revolution systems.
I was in public school with the honor society and dropped out after the 9th grade.
I then went on to self-learning and I have covered immense amounts of knowledge including but not limited to:
Geometry, Calculus, Trigonometry, Advanced Algebra, Quantum Physics, Theoretical Physics, and everything within the society of computers.

Generally public school only made my social behavior even worse.
However when I was in school I did not speak at all.
Nor did I try. I accepted being the smart quiet kid.
I would rather be the quiet kid than those idiots who talk about unmentionable subjects at early grades... like 3rd.
And the cursing disturbs me. Every day I would hear each word repeated dozens of times since 3rd grade.

Special Education will only hinder the learning process.
Home schooling is much more effective.