Vacation, XILs and Asperger's

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Soo here goes.

The kid was officially dxed with Asperger's about a month ago although it has been apparent there was something going on for some time. The kid's dad and I haven't been together in some time (he doesn't remember us together) and he has been sporadically involved in the kid's life. X's parent's haven't seen the kid in 9 years because his dad has never taken him anywhere and they haven't visited since the kid was two. However I have the kid call them every weekend. The X also handles the kid poorly. He is more of a buddy and only steps in to "parent" when he is annoyed is generally extremely severe. he also seems to be in denial that there is anything different about the kid (all boys act like that...).

This summer the X wants to take him to another state to visit with his parents. According to the parenting plan he has the right to do this. This will be the kid's first airline flight, his first time really meeting all these people, a completely new environment and the first time he has been away from me this long. New Wife will not be going on this trip.

I am majorly stressing out about this. X's parents are, well interesting. I suspect his father is paranoid delusional. He's really, yeah, I can't really finish that. His mom is ok I think. I think she would be relatively normal if she was away from her husband. She has also worked as an aid for disabled children. Last night I bit the bullet (we don't talk) and called her and explained everything. As I had expected X had not told them about kid's dx. I need someone there who will understand what is going on and can help the kid out. She didn't know what Asperger's is, but has helped kid's with Autism. She said she would do her own research and I told her she could email me or call me with any questions.

After I got off the phone last night I was laying in bed thinking about all the things that she will need to know from clothes, to diet, to schedule, to stimuli. I'm going to have a book when I'm done aren't I?

Has anyone dealt with anything remotely similar? My sis homeschools him (which has worked wonderfully for us) so we don't have all the documentation that one would in a school. Any suggestions or wisdom? I hope this didn't get too venty.

Well, I wrote out a overnight paper for my child because he just started staying the night at his father's. (who left about a year ago.)


I wrote down all the medical information on one page in case something happened and they needed to know information for the doctors. (name, age, diagnosis, medications, allergies, emergency phone numbers of his doctors and you)

On another paper I wrote down our bedtime ritual. Get toothbrushes ready, take allergy medication, set timer for 2 minutes, brush teeth to timer. Set timer for 5 minutes and let him know that he is expected to get his bed ready and anything to sleep with in bed, use the rest room, and get a drink of water. (the list was a little longer, but that was the gist.) Also on this page I wrote down how I handle punishments (x amount of time on the couch for being too rowdy or minor behavioral things, taking away of privileges for larger ones always to be explained in advance.)

On another paper, I wrote down what to watch for and how to best help him cope with each circumstance: i.e. The first sign is when his eyes start to tear up: Give him space and let him know you are giving him a moment to calm down. Second: Speech and walking become difficult: Remove whatever is causing the problem from him, let him know it's okay and that he has time to calm down (do not touch him at this point.) 3. All of the above and he starts rocking: Physically remove him (you may have to carry him, speech and walking are difficult for him at this point) from the environment and put him in a quiet darkened room (but not dark), let him know that he is there so that he will be able to calm down easier, and that as soon as he is calm he may come back out. (sit with him until he starts to calm, check on him every 5-7 minutes if he hasn't come back out.)

The above paragraph is tailored to my child, and it takes up a whole page, single spaced in a size 10font.

If the grandmother is willing to work with you on this, make a couple of copies of this paper and give one to "dad" and mail one to grandma so that she can read it over before he gets there.

Put it all in a little pocketed folder (preferable his favorite color ). Name one, emergency information, Our day, and one things to watch for. Something like that. Write his name on it with a sharpie.

I'm doing the math and it sounds like your son is 11? Is he in 6th grade?

I think it depends on how severe his AS is, whether or not he will be able to handle the situation. My son is 11 and has been going on week long trips with Boy Scouts and with no one who even knows about his AS and he has done fine. I was terrified, but I figured if something happened I would get a phone call. And we were in regular email contact with the scoutmaster, who knew we were totally nervous but didn't know the full extent of why (I had told her he was special needs but didn't go into detail since he's been doing so well in scouting situations).

Basically, I think a child like mine would be OK. Not great, but OK. Kids mature so much between 5th and 6th grade, and that includes our AS kids.

But, you know your child best and if you really aren't sure he can handle it I can't see any reason why you couldn't ask to come along. Seriously, there is nothing in the agreements that prevents that, is there? I'm sure it wouldn't be much fun for you, trying to balance all the social aspects it would involve, but it could give you peace of mind. Seeing his grandparents is a good thing for him; if you need to make some adjustments to insure it is a pleasant experience for everyone, then make them.

Otherwise, you've taken step 1 by contacting the grandmother, and can keep in regular touch with her throughout the trip.