NT Children Raised by AS Parent(s)

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I am trying to piece together the puzzle of my life and in doing so, I am learning that there is a strong chance that both my parents have some degree of AS and/or at least enough traits that I am able to identify.

The last thread about being raised by AS parents evolved into a religious debate so I am just starting another thread because I am interested in learning more about other people's experiences with their AS parent, whether or not you are (un)diagnosed AS or NT yourself.

What type of experiences did you have as a child and do they continue into your adulthood? Is there specific things you found helpful by being raised with an AS parent? Was there any thing specific that you found harmful? When did you learn about AS and did it reshape how you viewed yourself?

I had no idea my father was AS when I was growing up. I just thought he was stubborn and sensitive. But, then, how many teenagers think great things about any parent?

Long run, he was a good father. Not a perfect one. He had a lot of integrity, and he passed that on to us. He has a hard worker, and he passed that on. He was extremely frugal ... and he passed on the value of saving, but we all couldn't wait to buy the sorts of things he would never allow. He was insecure, and he also, unfortunately, passed that on.

But, as I said in the other thread, I think the downsides from his AS were born more from his having been missunderstood most of his life than the AS itself. He was a brilliant man who was held back from his dreams. How could he NOT end up insecure?

We learned about AS when our son was diagnosed with it, and I immediately saw it in my father. It explained so much. And so much for him could have been different if his AS had been known when he was a child. But that opportunity was long past. With our son, perhaps things can be different. He is, at least, growing up with a more positive self-view.

I, too, feel that this awareness explains alot. It explains why I am able to step into the AS perspective a bit easier then my NT counterparts. It explains why I was left alone in childhood (figuratively and literally). It also explains why I've felt so odd in my own family and questioned their love for me. I feel fortunate to be able to better know that my parents love me in their own way, but I am sad that it won't ever be in a way I have been asking for my entire life. I am sad too at the realization that I will be forever validating and caretaking their experiences without them responding in kind to my life and I think that is the part that frustrates me the most.

I've been trying to find some literature about this type of relationship (NT children of AS parents) but the most I've been able to find has been in Attwoods book. If anyone has any recommendations regarding information or shared stories, I certainly would appreciate such information.

I too wonder what life would have been like had we had AS awareness from the start. I think it may have helped with my self-esteem growing up. I often found myself trying earn my parents love through acheivement because it was one of the few times I felt they acknowledged my existance and that I wasn't a burden to their life, but when I got older, even that didn't help.

Someday I hope to be at peace with this new awareness. I hope that this forum is an appropriate place to discuss this type of issue.

I guess there is also a part of me that is examining this because of my current family situation. I am married and we suspect AS with my spouse. We also have a child together. I see some repeats of my own childhood experience occurring at home, not to a point that I find the situations dangerous or harmful, but I am concerned about long-term effects of having her perception invalidated, and want to be sure she knows her dad loves her, even if it is in his own way. I am not convinced that my child has AS but she's "quirky" and deals with some sensory issues. It's alot for me to examine and absorb right now which is why I am trying to reach out to learn from others.

That makes sense. We often marry what we know, in a way. I don't think there are any right or wrong ways to raise a family, but there can be things are better or more difficult for the one unique person. Look to your daughter to sense if she feels unloved or confused, and then respond to that need. She may just be fine - she isn't you, and you aren't your parents. She may have new issues and questions - ideally, you'll be able to tune into those and respond. Talking and asking and thinking is, of course, a great place to start.

As for information ... I really don't know. I've found some of the sites where kids rail against their AS parents, as if every problem or issue can be blamed on that, and I think that perspective is distorted. There often is not one single scapegoat in a dysfunctional upbringing, and trying to find one can be a roadblock from one's own personal growth. All we can and should do is become the best we each can - for ourselves, our spouses, our children, and the greater world. Sometimes anger is a necessary step in that journey, but it is one that must be moved beyond.

I agree with your advice that talking and asking and thinking is a great place to start and we've already begun that part. I am glad to be aware (or at least gaining more awareness) of my own childhood issues as I can see how they may be triggers to some current situations. I also want to use this awareness to prevent me from projecting my issues onto my daughter.

I am wondering also this...Since AS presents a lack of theory of mind, how would an AS parent be sure to help their NT child when it comes to identifying situations or issues that may cause harm to the child? An example of this could be when they (parent/child) play and the NT child is unable to communicate that a boundary has been crossed by the AS parent, due to developemental age of the child (playful teasing turning in hurtful comments for instance.) The AS parent doesn't see that the child should even care about how they are feeling let alone modify their adult behavior, but hurt feelings are the end result.

I may be analyzing way too much but this is just some dynamics I have questions about and I'm curious to how other parents would approach a similar situation.

Similar to the rules we give our AS children, I think most AS parents develope pretty black and white rules for themselves, on the conservative side, to keep those sorts of things from happening. If you have both an NT and an AS parent, you don't leave nuance to the AS parent.

But I have to say, the reaction of my husband to one of my kids being upset by one his remarks would never be to assume they shouldn't care. Instead, he'll beat himself up over making the mistake and hurting his child inadvertently. He can't handle it when they get hurt emotionally or physically; it really digs at him, especially if he sees it as his fault. I'm talking him down from over-punishing himself far far more often than I'm trying to explain why the kids can't understand something he thinks they should.

In our house, btw, mommy and daddy can both be sent to time out. Very rare, but it seems to help the kids to see that we can accept consequences for our mess ups. They don't need to know that we actually LIKE time out

Lets remember all AS people are not the same, and many people who clearly don't have AS are misdiagnosed, Aspergers is a catch all disorder, it's also lucrative for practitioners to scapegoat and give a label to someone as having AS. "The oh poor me, there's something wrong with you lets get you diagnosed with something", people are simple minded and want easy answers, they don't like uncertainty, they need categories and stereotypes to shift blame from themselves.

One major purpose of many diagnostic categories which goes unstated is that - many people who have problems integrating into society is to get them help and obfuscate the reality so they can get things like government services, etc, which otherwise they would never qualify for.

We still live in a cruel world lets not forget, and researchers will lie and strech the truth out of compassion for others, whether this is right or wrong I'm not going to judge them, because clearly human beings have serious issues helping one another out and there are often no other alternatives for people that do not integrate well.

Most people with AS usually have problems functioning (jobs,socializing, dating, marriage, those with AS that don't have such problems have lucked out or are borderline cases, the whole point of the diagnostic criteria was major issues in life functioning throughout ones life.

At the AS conferences I've been at, the experts have said the majority of people with AS have real issues integrating in society, they are not independent, or if they are independent it's bouncing back and forth between social assistance and a job. Wrong planet tends to concentrate the outliers (those who are doing ok), to make having AS look better then it is to those who have never heard of Wrong planet and have no clue what it is.

So much of what is Aspie in me appeared in my father. Of course, being born in 1902, they did not know about Asperger's nor would the culture have been likely to do anything about it unless it was extreme. He was mentally above average and inherently gifted in things mechanical (as am I) but he never succeeded like his brothers. He was always different somehow and not well understood or well integrated with his 9 siblings. He had the same type of verbal meltdowns that I have under times of stress, It was tough growing up with him because he was emotionally distant and a loner, especially in unstructured situations. Curiously, one sensory issues I have seem to have come from my mother, and appears in my sister and her daughter. but I don't see anything else in her to suggest Asperger's, As for the rest of my sensory issues, it is not clear if my dad had them but there are clues that he may have.

I am finding that I am having to do an equal amount of both. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to referee their relationship. It was particularly hard to do before understanding AS. By increasing my own awareness I have noticed an improvement but it still isn't easy.

And herein lies the crux of my situation. I can look at my family and identifyareas where we struggle so I am muddling through as best as I can to see where and if I need outside help (not necessarily public assistance). Misdiagnosis doesn't help either and there seems to be a lot of different views on AS in the professional community, some helpful, some harmful.

I can identify to this similar situation growing up and also see it present itself in my marriage. It was maddening for me to experience this but not understand why it was occurring because I sensed something unique about the dynamic but never could explain it. I don't seek to point fingers and blame them for our relationship problems because I see how my own reaction has contributed to the disfunction as well. I am learning what I can do to improve our relationships while at the same time avoid taking on more than my share of the work needed to address our struggles. It's a hard balance to find.