Maternal outrage, or unresolved issues?

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Yesterday, my toddler brought her bubble tumbler to the school while we waited to get her brother. There are usually a few littler kids out there and this time there was a little boy there, about 3, who took one of her bubble wands (this is a 3-wand tumbler) and ran off with it. He wasn't trying to blow bubbles, since he never came back to get another dunk. He just thought it was funny to take it and run away from her. I've never understood that anyway, even though my son does it. I think it's very mean spirited.

She tried chasing him but finally stopped and started to cloud up because he wouldn't bring it back. Now, I was thinking it was a 3-wand tumbler so she needed to understand that we get those in order to share. So I told her not to worry, that he was just playing and that he wouldn't keep it. So she calmed down and ran off to chase him some more. She was still irritated but she didn't cry.

But here's where it really got annoying (I mean, he was little too, so I had to cut him some slack). I had been waiting all this time for his mom to call something out to him about giving it back. Nope. Well, no big deal, the bell hadn't rung yet... and then he ran up to a fenced area that is between two temporary buildings and chucked it over. Now that area isn't accessible. One of the gym balls has been in there for a week. So not even the gym teacher has access, I assume. And this little pischer slings it over and laughs.

Well, again, maybe he didn't realize it wasn't accessible. So I wait just a moment more only to realize that his mom is still so absorbed in her conversation that she has no idea what he's done. She was right there the whole time, and just yapped her big mouth off. So I walked over to the little boy and told him that wasn't nice. He laughed. I said she couldn't get it back. He grinned and said it was a good thing she had more. I would have cheerfully kicked his sorry little behind across the blacktop at just that moment. Fortunately, the bell rang. He ran back to his mom who looked still completely oblivious to his actions, and even to the fact that he was there at all (my opinion). She didn't notice when he was running in circles with a orange bubble wand that wasn't his. She didn't notice when he threw it over the fence. She didn't so much as wonder why some other mom was talking to him, or why we were all clustered at the fence looking through it. She had absolutely no awareness of the toddler who was starting to cry after meeting up with her son. Heaven help the world if he decides when he grows up to turn to a life of crime. As long as she knows he's safe, the whole bloody world can go to Hell, apparently.

Now I have to go back to the school and try not to stare daggers at them. I mean, I could tell her about it, but what would I say? Hey, lady, your kid stole my kid's bubble wand and threw it over the fence while you had your blond head stuck up your... Well, you see now why I didn't speak yesterday. My husband asked, but I pointed out my little problem. When I get mad, good and mad, especially if it's a situation where I've been waiting for someone else to do what is their duty, I either choke and can't speak coherently, or I find that a lot of words and phrases that I usually consider crude and offensive suddenly become exactly what I'm groping for. They really do... I'm usually too wound up to do anything between silence, tears, and violent epithets. I don't do diplomacy. If I'd had a little more time, I might have been able to pull it off... but the bell rang.

I'm still mad. I'm just wondering if that was as infuriating as I think or if I'm just superimposing my feelings of helplessness from being picked on so much as a kid. Seems like I had more times when I was upset and no one else was, when I was angry and was told I needed to let it go, when I had been wronged and nobody cared. The side effects are that I get pretty mad when I am wronged and I also tend to second-guess everything that makes me mad, because I don't really know how to judge what is worth getting mad over... or I think I don't because everyone always told me to get over it. I do know it's good to get over it. I guess I'm just not a big enough person to not be bothered by the feeling that I'm the only one who cares.

But I do think the thing that angers me the most is that I told her it would be alright, giving the other mom too much credit. It's just a bubble wand, but I basically did nothing and told her to just let that little jerk run off with her toy. I want her to learn to share, but I can't see her wanting to share when people steal her stuff or treat it like crap.

Well, what I was figuring was that she could see him running around when she glanced his way but was too absorbed in her chat to register what he was doing. Her brain told her the boy was visible and running in circles with other children and she apparently saw no need for further analysis. It's a level of complacency I've never reached with my son. Even my 11-year-old daughter gets a periodic check when we're at the park or similar places. I don't just look to make sure she's there, unless I find she's doing exactly what she was the last time I looked. I look to see if she is upset or doing anything to upset others. But as she's 11 and reasonably mild-tempered, she usually isn't having a serious problem. She'll walk away if she needs to. My son is a huge pain in the neck when riled up and has been known to take things and run off with them, and toss them when cornered. But I know this and I watch him because of it. And he's 7 already. At 3 (my toddler is nearly that age), they are either in front of me or attached to me. Period.

But yeah, even though the bully is tiny, it's awfully hard to find the behavior cute, or remotely acceptable. I don't expect parents to control their children's actions. I just expect them to be aware of them and impose consequences in the absence of any natural ones. I wish I had told her at the time, because he suffered no consequences from his actions. He got fun out of it. But I knew no way, there on the spot, to civilly report what had happened. I had been building up the frustration and it would have all poured out in the rant of a mad woman, achieving nothing. I just can't fake pleasant.

Maybe I need to prepare speeches in my head for parents who allow their kids to run rough-shod over mine. That's a sad state of affairs.

I probably would have reacted in the same way you did. I steam over things inside, but I lack any ability to talk to other parents about their kid's actions. Once I had to physically intervene with another child because he slid down a handrail backwards onto my son's hand and I had to pull him off to keep him from crushing my son. I have no idea where his mother was but I don't think I would have been able to say anything to her if I knew.

The thing to do would have been to tell the other mother what happened. Most parents want to know. OR, seen it through on your own, not allowing the child to leave your attention until he had apologized to your daughter. Most parents consider that slight interference with their kids acceptable, as well.

Theory: the fact that you feel uncomfortable with the above steps is feeding into your anger over the whole situation. If you could have resolved it then, it would be over, and nothing to obsess about. But you couldn't because you know yourself, and it would not have gone well, and that is frustrating as well.

Every action and feeling you had I would call "normal" up to the part of being unable to discuss it with the other mom while holding onto the anger and frustration instead. There are times I wouldn't choose to talk to the other parent, but it would be a decision that it wasn't a big deal, not a decision that I wasn't comfortable doing so.

So ... you are right to be upset. But you are holding an extra layer on that because of your own history and issues.

Does this make any sense? Have I said it OK?

Yep, you've said it right. It's something to think over. I've had a lot of trouble dealing with humans in general, but when it comes to the kids and I need to find a good solution instead of my usual grumpy approach, I find myself stuck.

Does your little girl bring it up still?

What I would do with my child is say something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, I thought you were going to get your wand back, apparently I was wrong. How about the next time we go out we go to the store we get a new one."

The next time that child tries to "share" with my kid and I would say something to the effect of "I'm sorry, you can't play with that today. Last time you weren't nice and threw her toy over the fence." (If he reaches to grab it again, I would grab right above his wrist just hard enough to make him open his hand and give him a "you don't want to mess with me" look, then repeat the same thing.) If the mother tries to intervene just make sure you repeat it loud enough for both of them to hear.

Well, she's so little that I couldn't say how well she remembers it. I'm sure she has some vague memory of it, but she's not yet three and she hasn't mentioned it. I plan to watch the boy like a hawk in the future, and I have also stopped allowing her to bring anything from the car when we walk up to wait. That seems the best way to keep him from doing anything. Simply eliminate the option. I was just staggered last week by how angry I still was about it. It's cooled to irritation now, perhaps partially from having gotten it out here and therefore not having it repeating in my head instead. But yeah, I won't be letting that particular kid act as he pleases around my little girl. It's not as if she's a little angel, she's learned too much from her siblings! But who needs bloody-minded little playmates teaching her more bad habits?