Help please- Newly diagnosed, Boss driving me to depression

Post Reply New Topic

Here is the long and short. I took a job 2 years ago- I was promised our health insurance would not change so I could continue to afford my medication for panic and anxiety attacks. Boss asked if I could work overtime on occassion I said yes.

In Novemeber the boss changed our health care causing my medison to go from $35 a month to $60. I could not afford it, had to stop, got very sick,blacking out, unable to consintrate, eadaches, panic attacks..... went to nerologists doctors blah blah blah, found out my panic / anxiety attacks were a secondary to Asperger's. Apperently I have been trying to cope with my differences so long the stress recepters in my brain shot craps causing the anxiety/panic attacks.

In January my 8 year old son started having panic attacks too... blacking out... we found out at the same time we both have Asperger's. ( It has taken me from November to March to find out what is going on and get diagnoses for us both.)

I missed a great deal of work. I could have gotten caught up on my stuff but my boss added maintaining all of the office computers to my other duties.

MY boss doesn't want to pay someone to do the computers in our office, I am good at computers so she has dumped those responcibilities on me. She has asked me 2x why I can not work overtime to fix and maintain all of the computers. It seems ok she went back on her word, but it's not ok that I can not live and breath my job.

I was not hired to do computers, but to answer phones and process policies and maintian the licenses in our office. It intrests me to learn about computers and try to fix them so she decided I would be the new tech person, she asked me to "help" the old tech person then just completly dumped it onto me. They system is a mess, she won't let me fix anything correctly, she just wants them to work and doesn't care about security or anything else. We didn't even have virus protection on half of the computers and we are an insurance office, TONS of info that needs to be protected. I want to be able to do the tech but she won't take away my other duties so I can fix things correctly. She also has put all of the dession making about the computers onto me but then vetos every sugestion I have.

I am on subsidized housing, if I make overtime my house payments go up, I might even lose my house loan. In addition to Asperger's my son has Poland's Syndrom and is on medicade. If take him off of medicade his condition will be prexisting and I can not afford him the medical care he needs. I have refusedto take raises to keep my son with health care coverage- I know I suk for using the tax payers money, but I can't see my son suffer.....MY boss knew this from the begaining, she knows I can not make much overtime.

Her solution was for me to come work for free. She told me such and such is working for her to free and I should too.

I completly feel boxed in. My social skills and backbone don't allow me to tell her no, but my son NEEDS me at home as much as I can be.

I don't know what do to. She knows I will back down if she talks to me. I know backing down and trying to please people are part of the Asperger's and anxiety issues I have. I wonder if this could be considered bullying or taking advantage of or if there is anything I can do short of quitting my job.

Anyone have any sugestions? I am desperite, please help.

~dyp~

have you tried any of the social services that are open to people with children? I know there are precious few for folks with Asperger's Syndrome, but surely being a single mother with children would get you some sort of support sytem?

Merle

If you lack the 'backbone' to tell your boss no directly, then try doing so in an indirect route. For example, type something up and leave it on his desk, or send it in an email. When your boss tries to confront you about it, just tell him to read the message and that you are serious. It should say something like:

I do plenty of work for this company at a low wage so you are already getting a good deal. I will not work extra for free. My son is sick and needs me to be with him. If you really need your computers fixed then hire somebody to fix them, or reduce my other tasks, but dont expect me to do twice the work for nothing in return. I will work the 40 hours per week that I agreed to, and maybe once a month stay late if problems occur, but I will not be working 80 hour weeks like you want me to. I will not change my mind, and I will not be bullied into unpaid overtime. If you dont like this, you are free to fire me, but I doubt you will find somebody else who turns down pay raises.

Obviously tailor this to your situation, and use words that work for you. But the idea is to be firm and make yourself clear.

I have written a letter to my boss.... do you think it is ok?

Dear Carol,

Unfortunately I am not comfortable speaking with you in person. I tried to yesterday but I was unable to tell you what I needed to tell you.

First; to clarify; you should very aware of what changes have happened in my life that prevent me from doing overtime. I think it’s very unfair and hurtful that you keep asking me.

In case you can not remember, here is a summary for your convenience and future reference:

1: Our housing and Aramis’ Medicaid is subsidized based on pay. I can not do overtime because I can not bring home additional money without jeopardizing my home and son’s medical care.

2: My son is SICK. I need to be at home with him as much as possible to care for him.

3: I am SICK. I need to care for myself too.

You have told everyone in the office no more overtime. Several months ago you told me you could not authorize over time for me to do work on the printers & computers, what has changed with that?

You have made a comment to me about how Carrie is working for you for free after 5pm, was that a hint for me to do the same?

I spoke to you yesterday about the quantity of work that needs to be performed to correct our systems. I have spoken to you regarding security and streamlining our systems to enable us to work more efficiently. I had to beg to get you to “allow” me to update our anti-virus. I have put in countless hours you are unaware of, on my own time using my own computer at home and personal resources to try and find resolutions to our problems and make our systems secure & easier for everyone in our office. On my own time I have contacted several Professional Computer Technicians and Networking Specialists to try and find out how best to resolve our issues.

Every person I have spoke with has said basically the same thing, we need someone on our staff dedicated to our computers AND that person needs to be qualified to handle our networking needs.

I want to fix things but I am unable to do so.

I was employed to do processing, licensing and to answer phones. I said I would help Meg with the computers. However, since agreeing to “help” I feel every miniscule computer issue has been laid on me to correct and solve. Do not get me wrong, I love doing the tech work, but it has caused me to lose site of my hired job duties.

My moral and work ethic doesn’t allow me to turn away people that ask for my help. I WANT to fix it all. I WANT to make everyone, especially you happy. Unfortunately I can not fix this, I can not please you or anyone else. I have placed an incredible amount of stress on myself trying to reach a very irrational & unobtainable goal.

I am sorry but at this time I must step back from the computer duties.

I will gladly work limited overtime to keep in compliance with my processing and licensing, but I am unable to work any overtime for computer related issues. I will be placing all computer issues that might come to me after my hired job duties from here on out.

I understand this will displease you greatly. I fully expect to be reprimanded, written up, retaliated against or even fired for my “insubordination.”

I am fully prepared to handle any of these eventualities.

I respect you enough you tell you my limitations and feeling, ( even if I am so cowardly I must send them in letter form.)

I love my job, I love the work I do, I always want to do more and be better and bust my butt to be the best freaking employee you have ever had. I hope you and Darrin can understand my need to get back to the basics of my job and to forgive me for my lack of follow-through on the computers.


Most respectfully,

( insert real name here)

I know that where I am it is actually illegal to ask people to work and not be paid. Save this for your "records" and all, you might need it. You can probably get her on legal issues if she is displeased enough to fire you.

Another possibility is to ask her if the company is willing to pay for schooling for you to actually DO the IT work. There are on-line courses for this as well, and you may as well qualify for grants. As for the pre-existing conditions are you sure about all that? It might be medicaid BUT it goes through an insurance company, and they would have to supply documentation that would show that they HAVE been covering him. I suggest that you look into that. Though, of course, you would then, most likely have co-pays and all, but with the couple of years of IT training it might not be as big an issue.

Just a couple of thoughts there. Yes, it seems like you are being taken advantage of, and I know that boat as well. Legally, I feel that you could fight the reprimand/write up if it does come as well, if it were worth it to you.

too wordy, too 'chatty', keep the emotions out of it. Even though Carol is a woman, in this situation she is a 'boss' and will make decisions from the 'boss' level on this situation.

In my 40+ years of working, the boss only cares about what is necessary for the job. If you can bring something to the job, they only peripherally care about WHY such things are. The biggest problem I can see is you mixing your personal life in with your professional life.
Make a sharp divide because there really is a thing called 'too much information.'

go back over your letter and look at it as if you were Carol, the boss. Would YOU care first about the minute reasons WHY? or would you want to know specific things about how you impact the job you are asked to do?

sincerely,

Merle

PS. also please remove anything that threatens (I understand this will displease you greatly. I fully expect to be reprimanded, written up, retaliated against or even fired for my “insubordination.”

I am fully prepared to handle any of these eventualities. )

and anything that admits less than sterling character "( even if I am so cowardly I must send them in letter form.)"

and before you think that I don't somehow "understand" I volunteered to go on part time for the summer in my own job so the company didn't have to lay off other employees that have families to support. I am on subsistiance pay ( I can pay for my rent, utilities and food and a bus pass once a month) and that is IT. Did you know we are in a violent recession?

as stated before, working for "free" is illegal, document this and use it as a bargaining chip, because your boss can be fined tens of thousands of dollars from the dept of labor!

I wish I could say she would make this decsion as a "boss" but she is very inconsistant. There is 0 consistantly to her at all!! !

If she were a "real boss" I could handle her, but she is the "bosses wife" made into the "HR manager." She has entagled herself into our personal lives, and if we refused to let her in we were reprimanded for not being "team players."

Because of the ressesion she knows she can do anything to us and we won't stand up to her. Every employee, not just me, is stressed and about to break.

She didn't give raises but to a select few this year, including me. I told her I didn't want the raise because there were people that needed it more. She told me I was a fool.

I think sinsboldly's comments about your letter are correct, keep the focus on work and what is in the employer's interest. The one sentence about "I know you will ...." has got to go, but much of the rest is fine.

Some thoughts I have about the overall situation:

1) What you would really like to have are better medical benefits and less income. That is fair, and a flat cost to the employer. State it that way: "I am grateful for the offer of the raise, but in my current situation it would be better for me if you could put that money into enhanced medical benefits. That would keep me healthier and if I'm healthier I would be a more productive employee, so it would serve your needs better, as well." All this stuff about public housing isn't their business. What it takes to make you an efficient and happy employee, however, is.

2) I want you to sit down and run some numbers. You are trapping yourself in a vicious cycle of worry about income v. public benefits and it is creating barriers for you that not only add stress but also may be keeping you from having the best job placement for your skills and interests and needs. So the numbers you need to know are what income it takes to replace the public benefits and be exactly where you are but without them. Long run, being free of that dependence will make you happier, if you can get there. So you need to know what it takes to get there. Every decision on a raise shouldn't be an instant no; it should be a calculation of how big a dent it would make in the longer term goal of earning income that doesn't need any public assistance. That may seem unrealistic now and an impossible goal, but it isn't. Develop a plan for it. Not just income factors, but also how different benefit options play in. You don't need to implement the plan if the short term cost is something you can't bear right now, but you need to have that plan or you cannot make informed decisions. It will take a while to get all the numbers and lay out a realistic plan, but you will feel far less trapped once you have done so, I do believe that.

Best of luck to you.