17 and won't leave his room.

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My son has Aspergers and is 17 he now will not leave his room and stays on his computer watching animae almost 24hrs a day. He stopped going to school before 16 and refuses to do anything. He says he is not depressed - in fact I think he is happy enought in himself although he does get bored sometimes. I do not know what to do as all I can see is that he is going to stay at home and play computer games or watch animae for the rest of his life.

He is physically too big for me to make him go anywhere or do anything. I have tried treats, bribes, etc but nothing works he is not tempted by anything. He is obsessed with japan from his animae and talks of nothing else. He does not like the world and thinks he would like to live in Japan but this is of course impossible as he is not at all self sufficent not to talk about the money. He really does not think rationally.
Any ideas about what I could do to get him out of his room and start doing something in the real world.

If he is anything like me, ( AS ) or my almost 10 year old PDD son, then it is possible that he will find it very difficult, or actually impossible, to do anything which is not immediately interesting or pleasurable unless he has to.

Perhaps you could say that if he wants to have internet connection, ( and the electricity for the computer ) he has to pay for some or all of it, so that he would have to go out and get a part-time job? That would be a start.
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Last edited by ouinon on 23 Apr 2009, 7:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry to respond .... i had not intended to post anything. Just like to say that i can visualise and feel for your sons predicament. From what i can imagine theres as much chance of him being physically able to function in a part time job as fly to the moon. In my case luckily my obsessions were marketable talents. Thank God.

He needs a mentor he looks up to.

why did he stop going to school ?.

He stopped going to school at 16...? How and where do you expect him to live as he gets older, especially after you die?

He needs rules to live by if he is to remain in your house...and there are "rules" that society dictates... like those that we all live by to get along comfortably and peacefully in life.

His computer games have become an addiction but who pays for the Internet connection? Pull the plug and set some appropriate
rules. That should get any 17-year old out of his room.

Do you mean that he will probably be dependent on his parents for the rest of his life/their lives? That this is not just some temporary problem?

Parenthood is getting really interesting in today's world. I don't imagine that the people most responsible for creating consumer culture ( schooling and mass advertising to encourage commerce and industry, and make profits ), planned on creating so many people unable to do anything but consume.

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Cancel the internet connection going upstairs...

There's a very good chance that he will be.

I left school at the same time, and I stayed in my room for several years (except for doing stuff outside); there's no way that anyone could have made me do what I didn't want to do. The room plus the interest is very comfortable in regards to autistic routines.

After I recovered from my incarceration (see: school), I started helping out and working at my own volition.

I don't think that any of us ought to automatically jump to the conclusion that the OP basically dropped the ball parenting her son. Parenting an aspie child isn't always easy, and trying to force them to do anything that they don't want to do, or see the value of doing is almost impossible. There are many of us that refused to go to school at about that age. For me, that's when school became too much to bare, and there wasn't a thing anyone could've done to make me go.

I hate to say it, but i agree with the other posters that said that you may have to pull the computer time. Normally, I don't suggest withholding special interests, because that just seems so cruel, however you may have no other choice. I don't think that I'd take it completely away, nor do i think that I'd force him to work to pay for it as of yet. Is there any specialists nearby that deal with ASD? If so, I'd make a deal with him that he can have x amount of computer time if he will participate in therapy. His obsession with animae may be so strong that he may not be able to just stop with simple willpower. Those kinds of things can become like addictions. It's obvious that he needs some sort of help to live a more balanced life, whether that be working a full-time job or not really depends on the individual. Some on the spectrum can't do that, but he does need to learn some life skills. I would just hate for people to jump to the conclusion that he's lazy, when it's possible that he can't do what the world asks of him. Everybody is impaired, and enhanced differently in regards to their AS.

I agree with the other posters when I say pull the computer. I suspect when that is first done he might throw a fit, but he must learn that he can't sit in his room the rest of his life, that he must eventually get a job and move out.

The second thing is, the obsession doesn't need to be taken away totally, it can be used to motivate. You said he is interested in moving to Japan? Well, explain to him that he will need a job to pay for airfare and classes for learning Japanese language and culture, and some savings to rely on for a bit while he gets adjusted to living there. He might be motivated to do that, especially that it concerns the obsession. He will also need to learn how to find a job over there too, and skills in finding an apartment.

Lemme get this straight. The kid is 17 now. He hasn't gone to school since before he was 16. And it's not a parenting issue???

I can't believe this has been going on for that long! Take out everything from his room except his mattress and his clothes, and tell him if he doesn't start going to school he won't ever see his computer again.

You got to find someway to get him to go back to school. If not, he'll be dependent on you for the rest of his life and he'll never amount to anything. I don't want to sound cruel but that's what it sounds like. When your gone, where will he go then? 17 is still a young age so there is still time. My advice for you is to try to find help for him as soon as possible. Don't wait another minute.

Hey Mage [and others],

It's good I didn't have a mother who's like you. Seriously, hell would have opened up, and I'd probably be in jail or locked up in an institution somewhere.

The majority of individuals with AS (over 50%), will live with their parents well into adulthood, and it has nothing to do with parenting.

I know that some people believe that disciplining a "disabled" child is cruel, but in the case of AS, it just HAS to be done. Those that aren't taught a sense of discipline, work ethic, and self-control will just toil away at their special interest all day long.

And don't get too pessimistic about him. By saying things like "Oh, he'll be staying with me for the rest of his life, I better just get used to it", you're pretty much guaranteeing that he will.

I would agree with the previous suggestions to force him into choosing another path in life. Say that if he wants his internet connection, he either needs to:

A) Go back and finish his high school diploma
B) Get a part/full-time job

Uh, no, it actually can't be done. All that can be done is recognizing the innate severity of the individual, and going on from there. You can't make a person with AS do something he or she doesn't want to do anymore than you can with someone who has LFA.

QFT

People are making assumptions about this boy, and his mother when they know absolutely nothing about his past history, or how severe his AS is. They just assume that they can do something, so everyone else should, too. That's why I suggested a specialist in ASD. That way he can have reasonable goals set that are compatible with his ability.