Asperger's parents, as in, parents with it...
How do you stand them? I love my children but they are just about the most annoying people on the planet. Well, the oldest is. The other two take turns for second.
I have three: an 11-year-old, a 7-year-old, and a 2 1/2-year-old. I usually can deal with them; after all, I've had long enough to get used to them and figure out ways to keep all the balls in the air at once (that is, to deal with each child alternately so that you have one busy with something while one waits and one gets attention; that's the ideal, anyhow).
But they are all intense, all three, especially together. It's not merely that all of them together seem like more, it's that their wildness seems to increase exponentially when multiplied by another sibling! Any noise they make is made louder, active becomes hyperactive, grumpy becomes a fight... So I dread picking them up from school every day so that the toddler goes from mildly mischievous to whiny and possessive, and the boy starts showing off and mooching, and his older sister talks in the loudest voice she has while mooching, and cracks jokes, and for some reason lately has been clapping AS LOUDLY AS SHE CAN.
I hate loud clapping. I really, really hate it. I can deal with her singing, but not the clapping.
And why do all my kids run away from me? I watch other people in stores with great jealousy. They walk along, and shocking to say the least, their children walk with them! It isn't just a fluke, a lot of them do it! Keeping my kids together in a store is like trying to herd cats. Keeping just one kid with me is akin to trying to get a kite with no tail flying steadily. This way, that way, this way again! If it isn't enough that they're butterflies as they get older, note that they put me through a fiery initiation as toddlers. The biggest one used to try to tip the cart over if she didn't get her way (while riding inside it). But the younger two have discovered the joys of bolting full tilt away from me, sometimes in the direction of heavy traffic, laughing the whole way! No matter what you say, yell, or threaten, they just go faster! For all I know, this is normal. What isn't normal is that it has the unique affect of making me want to collapse in full meltdown on the spot. I don't; I catch the child and leave whatever place we're in (or stuff said child into a shopping cart with a seat belt).
None of my kids has an actual medical diagnosis of anything, unless you count the pediatrician wanting to give the boy medication for ADHD. His school believes he has Asperger's as well. I'm still deciding whether he's goofy enough to actually diagnose him medically. His older sister, the one who claps, failed to get any help from the school after they decided she was functioning too well to have anything, even though she can't spell worth a crap and hasn't learned anything in math and finishes assignments only to fail to turn them in and lies to cover it up. I don't call that normal. And the toddler is too danged young to diagnose with anything except "This is what I've grown up with" syndrome.
I wouldn't know what's abnormal anyway. I had the school telling me my son did abnormal things that I had just shrugged off, and my husband agreed with them (in that he didn't disagree). I mean, that social cues nonsense... You're supposed to just guess what people want from you? How is that fair? I tell them what I want, and they as good as say, "No, no, that won't do at all," and off they go again.
I've got to go pick them up in a little while, and they'll start right in again. The big one will start begging for things and not listening to the answer, then turn around and start right up again a minute later thinking that I didn't hear her. The middle kid will start begging and then throw a fit and refuse to move another step when the answer is no. The small one will shriek like a steam train engine every time one of the others looks at her wrong or touches what she's holding. And all the while, the CLAPPING!
I'll be alright. There's plenty of rooms in this apartment. Of course, they'll follow me into them. Or get into a fight and make me come back out again. Crap, I need a plan.
_________________
"Pack up my head, I'm goin' to Paris!" - P.W.
The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.
There's the road, and the road less traveled, and then there's MY road.
That sounds dangerous.
What is your nearest city? I have a friend who teaches Positive Discipline and I'm sure she has connections everywhere. I don't like most parenting classes because they all seem to use punishment. But this one doesn't. My kids' charter school was based on it, and it works for the whole school.
What is Positive Discipline?
http://www.positivediscipline.com/What_ ... rticle.pdf
lelia
Veteran
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,897
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
I was diagnosed with AS after 2 of my teen sons were, 2 years ago. When they were younger, I felt the same way as you do now. Come to think of it, I still have days when I'd like to take a permanent vacation from the lot of them. I have 4: 2 with AS and 2 with Inattentive ADHD.
I rarely take all 4 of them out at the same time. Instead, I tell them it's special time with just me and take each one of them in turn. That way they feel special and I stay sane. I'm not sure of your situation but I always managed to have my mother, a friend or my husband watch 3 while I took one. I also had "runners" and at one point had a harness for the second oldest, who used to bolt into traffic in parking lots.
Also, I used a technique called "1 2 3 Magic" with them. It's a very simple concept and still works even though one just turned 18 and the others are 16, 15 and 8. Basically, when the child is doing something they shouldn't and persisting, you tell them first that you would like them to stop. If they continue, rather than lecturing you say nothing other than "That's ONE". If they continue, "That's TWO". That's all you say to them and if they still persist, "That's THREE... at which point you quietly, without saying ANYTHING to them, walk them to their bed, or wherever you choose to use as your time out spot. If they don't stay there, you quietly walk them back to that place. If we happened to be in public at the time, they were quietly escorted to their time-out spot as soon as we entered the house. It only took about a week to get each one of them to figure out that I meant business when I said, "That's ONE."
The hardest part is ignoring them while they're in time out. My youngest son would scream, yell, cry, kick walls but after he realized I wasn't going to respond, he quit. It was the only method of discipline that worked with him. And now he's my best behaved child.
_________________
"It is what it is until it isn't. Then it's something altogether different."
Leave them to run! They are kids and they are full of energy, let them burn it off when they are out of the house.
Kids want attention; and by shouting at them you're giving it, rewarding bad behaviour. Next time they run away just ignore them completely; and instead pay attention to them when they are nearby, talking or listening to them.
Several years ago I took an eight-hour train journey. There was a mother with several children on the train; their father was following by car. Throughout the journey the kids were misbehaving - jumping on seats, running up the aisle - and the mother spent hours shouting at them.
Gradually I began to notice that whenever the mother left the carriage, the kids calmed down and were naturally well-behaved. They even looked after each other and enforced discipline amongst themselves. It was only when the mother returned that they started acting up again.
Four hours into the journey, she had to telephone her husband and beg him to take the kids in the car instead.
Leave them to run! They are kids and they are full of energy, let them burn it off when they are out of the house.
Kids want attention; and by shouting at them you're giving it, rewarding bad behaviour. Next time they run away just ignore them completely; and instead pay attention to them when they are nearby, talking or listening to them.
Several years ago I took an eight-hour train journey. There was a mother with several children on the train; their father was following by car. Throughout the journey the kids were misbehaving - jumping on seats, running up the aisle - and the mother spent hours shouting at them.
Gradually I began to notice that whenever the mother left the carriage, the kids calmed down and were naturally well-behaved. They even looked after each other and enforced discipline amongst themselves. It was only when the mother returned that they started acting up again.
Four hours into the journey, she had to telephone her husband and beg him to take the kids in the car instead.
Well, to clarify some of this...
It was sort of a broad, accumulated vent. Here's the current situation:
I never take all three of them to a store anymore. Period. This was a decision made after a few vain tries made it clear that I would never be able to so much as look at a product to ponder whether I wanted to buy it.
But recently the toddler began running off and if she's anything like my other two, she will just keep going. I can't just let them run, if we're in a store or in a park that isn't fenced. Fortunately, I think it likely that she'll find out that she won't get far and quit. I'm just not going to risk letting her out of my sight because of her brother.
My son in particular would have just kept going. At the age when he was doing this the most, he did on one occasion get out of our car, walk straight through the complex past our apartment, and on up the street. By the time we realized he hadn't walked upstairs as usual he was far enough that we couldn't see him. Fortunately, he was recognized by someone who knew where to find me. He had wanted to go to a playground but we couldn't just then, so he went on his own. He also headed away from a park we were at because it wasn't the one he wanted, fully intent on hiking to the one he liked (ten miles away). And the time that he ran towards a busy street, laughing and looking back at me, well, there is no way I would just let him run, for crying out loud! I'd break both my legs trying to catch him, rather. You can't just let kids like that run. Sounds very sunny and wholesome to say things like that, but it flies in the face of logic to assume that all kids will meekly return if they get no attention for running. It assumes there's only one motive for it. There are ways to burn off energy that don't include defying your parents. Anyway, the boy is 7 now and still tends to bolt if I don't watch out, especially if he's upset.
I often wonder as I see parents who let their kids run all over the park while they gab to other adults. My kids, given the chance, will leave. I'm still trying to figure out how it could have something to do with me as a parent, but honestly, I can't see how. Some behaviors I can take the rap for, but this one seems to be a compulsion for them. The first one wasn't quite as bad, though, and as I said, I still have hope for the little one.
I do count to 3 on them, and it works pretty well because I save it for ultimatums. If I used it as often as they don't listen, it would rapidly cease to mean anything. As it is, I've had some pretty cool looking moments where my son was out of earshot and I caught his eye and held up one finger, then two... and he started running to me! I say "cool looking" because if he just decided to turn and run the other way, I'd be in a spot. But I often think how together I must appear to others when I count like that and he responds.
I think I just blew up yesterday and had a long online whine because the oldest has been ignoring her homework and then lying about it (and is a walking noise machine after sitting in school so long), and the middle one is the hardest ever to pick up from school, since he will seriously just up and run for it (pretty sure it's a combination of bottled energy and wanting control), and the toddler is every inch a toddler. Some days you just think of what's ahead and want to send the man to pick them up (if he had any time for it, which he doesn't usually).
_________________
"Pack up my head, I'm goin' to Paris!" - P.W.
The world loves diversity... as long as it's pretty, makes them look smart and doesn't put them out in any way.
There's the road, and the road less traveled, and then there's MY road.
lelia
Veteran
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Age: 72
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,897
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
I had to have a leash on my child with autism plus as she would run in a straight line away, climbing eight foot fences and through traffic and through picnics (while grabbing food on the run) while throwing off all her clothes. I hated climbing fences into "no trespassing" zones and I can't count the number of men who asked me if I was looking for a naked girl, over there, and, no, they weren't about to bring her and receive all sorts of accusations and maybe arrests.
Detren
Velociraptor
Joined: 7 Feb 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 410
Location: in the connection between the ansibles
My youngest is my first runner. (number 4). My 9 year old is constantly humming/singing/knocking things against each other. My 7 year old speaks loud to start with (his ear drums get swollen often because of allergies and that makes him even louder) and he's always doing the "why, why, why" questions (the social butterfly of course, no clue how that happened). My 4 year old is the "mommy look." every 15 seconds. I think the baby might have that echolalia, or just like to repeat things over and over.
They are great, but yes, every once in a while you need a little time to yourself.
Something that drives me crazy is that every time I go into the bathroom they all try to follow me. Each will think of something to tell me and will all sit on the steps right outside, the smaller ones still bang on the door the entire time.
I have the opposite problem with all but the youngest in the store. I am constantly running over the 9 year old because he keeps putting his feet under the cart and insists on holding onto the side. The 7 year old will walk ahead, but turns around so often to make sure he's going the right way I run into him as well. The 4 year old just wants to be like his brothers and hold on, or wants to help push the cart, so I end up stepping on him. I have to keep the little guy belted down or he would go exploring.
My suggestion See if there is a Giant eagle in your area with an "eagles nest" it a little room with video games and train/car tracks and a movie playing. they watch your kid while you shop! haha. and they have GAMES or all things. The boys love it, and it just leaves me with the belted in baby.
Sounds like you need to find someone to watch them for a couple hours and just take a couple hours to yourself to get back in your game. If it were a "job" you would get nights off and 15 minute breaks every 2 hours. Don't think less of yourself for needing a break.
Detren, I just have to say that I feel your pain with the kids hanging onto the cart thing. My 5yo has to hang on to it and my 4yo insists on walking right in front of it in such a way that I am constantly inintentionally running into her heels. She then yells, "OUCH! I'm OK!" every time it happens. Of course just a year ago she was a runner, so this is probably better.
I'm exhausted.
I have AS. My wife has a chronic, debilitating illness, and can only rarely take care of the kids. Except for packing me off with the diaper bag, I've been taking care of them all day, all by myself. My son is 3 and is borderline AS; but he I can manage. My non-spectrum daughter is 1 yr. 4 mos, she is more challenging for me. Oh, and we had to spend the whole day away from the house on a shoestring budget because my wife requires absolute silence.
I have a whole host of feelings that I'm trying to understand and articulate.
Whew. Can anyone relate?
I am so with all you guys. I have AS and two boys, 12 year old ADHD, 13 year old AS.
When the younger one was small he was a terrible run away. I had to have multiple locks on the doors to stop him escaping. I even had to lock him in his bedroom at night because he would get up in the middle of the night and go on a rampage. We had to lock the fridge, pantry, laundry, it was like living in a prison but he would have killed himself if we hadn't. He almost set fire to the house when he found a packet of matches. The list just goes on and on. He is still a handful, but he is getting better with age (thank God )
The AS one and I get along really well. He is a lot like me, but when the two of them are together it's often so awful I have to go and sit outside in the peace and quiet for a while or else I turn into mad crazy women. then I have to lie down and I can't function.
They are so opposite they annoy the hell out of each other but thankfully I love them both. There are time I wonder how I manage to love them, but I do
Still, it is good to vent. So much better than bottling it all up and so nice to hear from others who know what it's like
I have AS with one daughter possible AS who is 4 and a son probably NT who is almost 2.
The noise is the worst thing! Then there's the never being left alone. Then there's them wanting things that are mine... i'm getting better at sharing though, them, not so much
I love them though and the only thing i would change if i could is where we live, a very small apartment, not good for anyone.
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