Is she spoiled or... ?

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We haven't started the evaluation process yet and so there are still SO many questions and things i'm unsure of. I stop short of saying she IS AS, but i believe I am, we have a family history of ASD type behaviour (although the only diagnosis anyone has is Bipolar and we believe that may be innaccurate since it was decades ago that he was diagnosed, he's in his 50's now) and she certainly is different and shows several traits.

So we have several behaviour difficulties and the family Dr and General Psychologist i spoke to (psych didn't actually meet with madam) and both of them told me i need to be firmer, basically told me that her behaviour problems are a result of my parenting. I am told that i'm a great parent, but a close friend and my mum have told me i need to be a little more consistent. I am being more consistent and it is helping with regard to her listening to me more and doing or not doing what i ask.

However she can be EXTREMELY difficult a few examples are that she screams i mean high pitched shrieking if her baby brother (2, little lady in question is 4) touches a toy that she has developed an attachment to or something that is "hers". At bedtime she will scream bloody murder if the door gets closed (i close it once she falls asleep) and if she wakes up and it's been closed she screeeams at the top of her lungs, this could be normal childhood fears stuff i'm sure. She screams if she realizes she doesn't have a particular currently-attached-to object of one of the objects she has to have on her bed isn't there (she has a hot water bottle and a few toys which MUST be on her bed when she sleeps, and then whatever she is attached to at that point in time be it a utensil, book, toy or collection of toys that she's grouped together and become attached to them as a group)

I've tried the corner, which does help and we use it when needed, taking things away, telling her there are certain toys she doesnt have to share but everything else she does have to, reasoning with her that she can have it when he is finished (i mean, 2 year olds don't play with stuff for long anyway) reasoning with her in every other way i can think of. She is highly intelligent and so she UNDERSTANDS this stuff... but sometimes her behaviour just goes WAY back to what SEEMS like much younger childs behaviour. OR is this normal for 4 year olds?

I mean, it LOOKS like she is just a spoiled child, but i can't figure out what part of my parenting has caused her to be THIS bad! I'm by far not one of THOSE parents who doesn't care and gives in to everything, i am a bit of a softy, but she gets disciplined appropriately as far as i can see and we say no to her, she is not some princess child who is treated like the queen of the world by any means, she was always a "high needs" baby and so we did have to cater to her a little more than our son who is an awesomely laid back kid. And couple this behaviour with her sensory issues and all the other "differences" in her and the odd little things she does (like, getting attached to a group of toys or a utensil, the child has a great love of utensils (wisks, sieve's, spatulas etc.)) could this behavior stuff indeed be an AS symptom, or could it be directly related to her high intelligence, or IS it just my parenting that sucks?

Since the psychologist has never met your daughter, I don't really see how s/he can assess what her needs are! You said it's a general psychologist - does this mean not a child psychologist? It doesn't sound like someone you can put a lot of faith in. For someone to be able to assess whether it's your parenting or some quirks of your daughter, the doctor should have some first hand knowledge of your daughter, or at least a good report regarding her strengths and needs.

I used to have people telling me that I was too easy on my son. I knew when he was having a hard time vs. when he was just giving me a hard time. Other people couldn't tell the difference. I ignored them, because they didn't know, and they weren't people in a position to have any say (relatives, the occasional teacher ...) When he was diagnosed, the psychologist told me that I was doing a great job, because if I tried to force him to do things when he really couldn't, it would be a disaster, and it was important to pay attention to what my child was telling me, even if it was with his behavior rather than with words. Consequently, we were able to keep his anxiety levels relatively low for as long as possible.

You need to get her evaluated, and get advice from people who truly understand your daughter. Generalists aren't it, and they can do a lot more damage than good.

Dilemma,

Although I'm not a parent,it sound to me like you are doing everything you possibly can for your children. Autism spectrum aside,there is so much mommy guilt running rampant in our society. In articles about helicopter parents the first image that comes to mind is a mother, when teachers talk about parents who leave no stone unturned child's in IEP meetings, who are they usually complaining about?Moms.When talk show hosts speak about children with aggressive behaviors, who are they usually interviewing?Moms yet again.

And this is especially true for parents of children on the spectrum.It's even in the psychiatric literature with the phrase "Refrigerator mothers" coined in the 1950's when psychologists thought autism was caused by mothers not loving their kids enough.In either case, there are going to be people who will tell you you need to be firmer, there will be people who tell you "I would have done such and such" or "I wouldn't have done that".That's universal--But the fact of the matter is that parents of kids on the spectrum hear it more. Often alot more depending on how how far away from the average your child's behaviors are.

Even now, I remember how my parents took a beating from arrogant blowhards who thought they could do a better job with my brothers and I. (I'm 23 by the way) But parents today have something my parents didn't have at the time.There are supports and ways to find people with similar experiences that there weren't before. So as you sort out which behaviors are just your children being children and which are spectrum specific, remember this if nothing else.

Please, be gentle with yourself.

It isn't your parenting. She isn't spoiled. She has needs, and they aren't being met. That is all she knows. There is no room for blame our busy days, so skip it.

It sounds SO much like my AS son and my NT daughter, at those ages, just the genders switched. He got quite difficult at 4, but he also had experienced a lot of stress. No one's fault; it just was.

All that said, being more consistent, sticking to predictable routines, having clearly defined boundaries, and doing what you say (and saying what you mean) can all help a LOT. AS preschoolers really do need and thrive on structure. That is structure, not to be confused with discipline or harsh consequenes. Remember to give adequate warnings for transitions, and try not to punish her for reacting to the things that upset her (a scream isn't the end of the world). In a situation with the toys, for example, you can reinforce the sharing rule by saying calmly: "you should not have grabbed the toy like that (or you should not scream like that). Please return it to your brother; he will tire of it in a few minutes and then you can play with it. If you do not do as I ask by the count to 3 I will take the toy and you will have a time out."

Do make plenty of toys off limits to the brother, however. You daughter does need some sense that somethings are hers and just hers.

These are tough years but it does get better. Remember how stressful an unpredictable younger brother must be for your daughter. And, beware ... that seemingly easy younger one is busy observing how you let him have his way because he is younger and HE is real danger of becoming spoiled - the good little ones can sneak up on you, I've learned that one the hard way

Wow, thank you all so much. It's unbelievably comforting to hear all of that.

jat, i pretty much dismissed what the psychologist said (who was indeed not a pediatric one and was not a specialist in anything, he was just the one they have on hand at our regular Dr's clinic for when they need him) he was a nice man, but i didn't feel like he gave me the time of day and even though he listened attentively i just didn't at all feel like the appt was half as long as it needed to be or as thorough as it needed to be and as you said, he never even saw or spoke to my daughter so that sort of defeats the purpose a little bit.

Dark Red Beloved, Thank you so much for your input. This is something i've been meaning to blog about for a while actually, how mothers are automatically blamed for so much and dismissed as "one of those mothers" still all too often! We should be given the benefit of the doubt and not the doubt first. I've often felt like people are thinking "oh she's one of THOSE mothers" and it's just not fair. I might be a little neurotic but i'm a good mother!

This exact thing is something i often tell other people. It needs to be said more. Thank you.

DW a mom, you are such a fount of advice, thank you so much. I am careful about if she has something that she is currently very attached to and he has it and she freaks out, if i can't diffuse the situation (hah!) he is usually easily redirected, i know that won't last too much longer but hopefully they will both be a little easier to reason with when he does outgrow that (one can hope) And yes, she definitely has several things that are only hers... including several things that WERE originally his i've told my husband that if he gets something, he HAS to get 2 of it, different colors is ok, but it has to be otherwise identical.

I definitely need to work on scheduling more, she does not do well with change and i have a feeling some of her reactions/anxiety might be related directly to the lack of schedule, that is something my mum pointed out. I'm not good with schedules at ALL so it's going to be hard, but we have started homeschooling officially now which at the very least means the mornings are predictable for her. I have a calendar up so that my husbands work hours are predictable for her, and i plan to put a more detailed schedule on the wall as well for us to see what we will do each day.

i am indeed aware of how easily spoiled the little one can be! I've actually made it a point since he was old enough to be told off a little bit, to be a little firmer with him than necessary (not excessively, just a sterner voice than i would otherwise use with a 1 year old perhaps) for the sake of the older one seeing that he is not more special than her and he gets told off too when he is naughty. Because he is so easy, the bad stuff he does is easier to deal with (emotionally, for me, except perhaps when he threw my wee camera on the floor! ) but because she can be so so difficult (and so wonderful and lovely on the flip side of that, and it can flip from one to the other very quickly, but i think that's normal for 3 and 4yr olds) i often feel like i've been telling her off all day and i don't want to develop any feelings of favoritism because of the differences in their personalities. I hope that makes sense.

One thing that is good about having a child like her and such a normal second child is that i can look at him and be sure that it is NOT my parenting causing this!

That sounds so like my 2yr NT (I think!!) daughter too. She sometimes carrys around a bicycle pump or other unusual objects. Flaps her hands when excited. Doesnt like change, sometimes doesnt like if she or anyone else wears new clothes etc.

All these things worry me about her. Her older brother is 4yrs PDD-NOS. But I did some research and I found alot of these behaviours are normal for typicaly developing toddlers. As they are trying to make sense of the world.

But you would expect these behaviours to be gone by about 4yrs. So I thought I would just have to wait and see on this one. She does LOVE to play with other children in a very give and take shared manner.

You didnt mention how your daughter is with other children. That seems to be the defining factor. My 6yr NT son has some of those other traits too, but is very sociable.

So it looks like it could either be a development delay or maybe early sings of something more. You are on the right road looking for help and assessments.

Dont beat yourself up about bad parenting,
I read also somewhere that: Your parenting didnt cause her to be the way she is........The way she is caused you to be the parent you are xx

FD, thank you so much for your input, i hope your daughter grows out of any concerning behaviors.

One of the things myself and my mum always say when we are talking about my daughter (we do back and forth trying to understand, questioning etc. fairly often trying to figure her out) and her "differences" is that these behaviours on their own are not THAT concerning, and that they can be normal... but for a much younger child, and for a much shorter period of time and certainly not all together like this, one or 2, could be explained as parenting or personality... but not all of this (needless to say i haven;t mentio0ned everything in this thread) She is highly intelligent, at least a couple of years ahead in several things (not sure exactly how many since this is just observation by me and my family including my sister who has a degree in early childhood education and runs a daycare center) BUT emotionally, she is more like a 2 year old. Most (or all?) of these behaviors have been going on for literally years.

We always say she is a strange mix of myself and my sister. I'm self diagnosed AS and my sister is not AS but is or was likely ODD or something similar.

As for how she is with other kids, this part sort of complicates it and also leads people to put more blame on me. I have several social issues (as we all know, part of AS) i have NEVER been social... i've had some friends here and there through my life, mostly starting in high school. But for the most part, i haven't had or kept many friends, i am socially anxious, socially awkward and i just don't like or understand people very much for the most part, if we are being entirely honest here. Not that i don't WANT friends... i just don't know how to make them, and if i do, it never sticks very long. As it stands i have 1 friend who i only see once every few months because she lives a distance from me, and a friend who lives very near me who i haven't seen in years (she has her own social anxiety, so the 2 of us are hopeless) i have several online friends but socializing is much different online. And of course, my husband too

So, needless to say, the affect this DOES have on my children, is that they miss out on a lot of social opportunities. My husband and i are both from other countries and don't have family here, and i don't drive otherwise i would bite the bullet and go to library activities or something like that. My plan is to find some little group near where i live where we can walk this summer and i HOPE we will be able to develop some sort of friendships or something there so the kids have that opportunity.

When i HAVE seen her with other kids, when we go to the park near us, she is interested in them and will play with them if there are only maybe 1 or 2 there and they are interested in her, but she doesn't initiate it as far as i see, and if there are a lot of kids, she sort of plays near them or among them but not with them. Most recently we were at the park and there were a lot of other children of a variety of ages, she would play with them (or among them, i can't say i've seen very much give and take actual interactive play except with my friends kids and her brother) for short periods of time, and then i would see her go on her own up a grassy hill at the back of the park (it's fenced in there so i let her be) or she would stand by herself and pick up the wood and watch it fall as she dropped it, those things concerned me a little bit, but i still have trouble knowing what is normal and what isn't, she is my 1st so i think it somewhat distorts your idea of "normal" when you have a child like this as your first. She didn't do the concerning things for long by no means was she doing that for the whole time, but it was enough for me to notice and feel slightly concerned about.

One thing i do go by as far as my parenting goes, is my almost 2 year old son, he has had all the same experiences and lack of experiences as his sister, and exhibits none of these behaviors that have been noticed in her since much younger than he is now. He seems perfectly normal, which is comforting for me as the parent. He's still a bit young to really see how he does socially at the park and such since most the kids are much older than him, but that will be interesting to see as i do worry how my lack of social skills affects the kids.

Have you checked out the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorders? Bad behavior isn't a diagnostic criteria. If that's the only symptom you're seeing, I wouldn't be suspecting AS at all.

None of this seems like "bad behavior" to me. It shows over-sensitivity to the environment, over-attachment to objects and emotional meltdowns as the result of both.

There is nothing you can do as a parent besides alter her environment (as you are already doing) to help her to meltdown less.

If she is very intelligent, maybe check out the symptoms for gifted children of this age. Allot of the symptoms are similar to AS. Resistant to change, maybe poor socially, sensory issues etc. Worth checking out.

But I really understand your concerns. My 2yr little girl is the very same, all the same behaviours as your daughter and very clever. Counts to 20, knows all the alphabet, shapes, colours etc. But I know your daughter is older, I guess I will be worrying more if the 'behaviours' remain the same for a few years.

It may be impossible to diagnose a little girl this young, at the moment she may not meet the criteria for AS. But as always 'time will tell', dont you just hate that ?! !!

I am a sociable NT woman who has only one friend. I choose for it to be that way as I just dont seem to have time to socialise!! ! I love my family and for the moment that is enough for me, so its not so bad having only one friend!!

Let me know how you get on with little girl, focus on all her great abilities xx

I'm very consistent with my son, but he has behavior problems. If people don't understand ASD, they think I'm a bad parent. I'm not. He acts socially inappropriate and explosive in public at times. It's embarrassing. People assume the worst about our family. I tend to avoid people/professionals who say that my son needs a good dose of discipline. He needs behavioral interventions and it's a work in progress. Some people get that and those are the people who are my support system.

Mage, as i mentioned in the post above yoursif you read it, i have not mentioned all of what has me suspecting AS in this thread. I found your post a little condescending, i'm sure you didn't mean it that way.

whitetiger, thank you! Given she is over sensitive to sound and heat and has other sensory issues, i would say you're spot on that it is more sensitivity to the environment than "bad" behavior. I accept i could be more consistent with time outs etc. and am working on that and it has helped somewhat as far as listening to me and understanding why whatever it was wasn't acceptable (i ask her if she knows why, she generally does, then i explain to her why in my words as well both before she is put in time out and afterwards) but it has in no way helped with her reactions to things, you can't give time out for reactions, only for bad behavior, and that's just not what this is, which is why it is so difficult to BE consistent! Do i put her in time out or tell her off because she screams when her brother touched a toy that she has an attachment to at the moment... ? There's just so much gray area here. Even with non ASD or gifted kids there is still so much gray and so much more parents could be looking at when a child has frequent bad behavior. I can't think of a single child i have ever heard of or come across that has bad behavior for NO reason as all, there is always a deeper reason (parenting, environment, illness, stress, misunderstanding etc etc etc)

I refuse to blame these behaviors on my parenting when i know i am an imperfect but good parent and am complimented on my parenting by the people whose advice i value the most and who i know are honest with me. There are too many behaviors both bad and unusual and they are too exaggerated for it to be blamed on that. I think schedule and consistency on my part will be a big part of what helps her though because then there is less change and things will be more predictable for her. A small example of this is that i warn her before i turn the vacuum cleaner on and offer for her to go to the bedroom while i do it, she goes happily and calmly (occasionally she will have a melt down if the door is closed and/or the light is off rather than asking me to open it before i turn the vacuum cleaner on) if i turn it on without warning her then there is a total meltdown.

FD, this is one of the possibilities for sure, this is one my sister (with the early childhood education degree) and mum (who has a lot of experience with kids) have discussed. I definitely think it is a high possibility, for a while there i was sure that it wasn't AS but it was all related to her giftedness, but now i'm just approaching it with an open mind and i am looking at AS with the hope and expectation that it will turn out NOT to be AS, it's easier to assume it is and learn as much as i can and ask as many questions as i can and then find out that it isn't that, i come away knowing a lot more about what her behaviors mean even if they are attributed to something different but similar. I kind of believe Giftedness is on the spectrum but above AS... like "Highest functioning" just because so many of the behaviors and traits are so similar, i'm sure they are cross diagnosed a lot.

My sister mentioned that Giftedness is actually considered a "difference" (used to be called disabilities, they are now called differences which i'm sure we can all agree is MUCH better!) and children do qualify (at least in NZ) for extra help with a diagnosis of giftedness. So i think whether it turns out it is AS or that she is simply suffering from the other affects of high intelligence, we are headed in the right direction and the evaluation is the next step. She (we as a family) still needs help with her issues regardless of the diagnosis, YKWIM?

The reason i'm doing this is not diagnosis, it's not therapy and it's certainly not "treatment" it's to get ideas on how to help her cope and to hopefully understand her better and for her to understand herself better. Her abilities are all positive, we focus on the positive, but we need ideas on how to help her cope because as mild as it may be compared to other children on the spectrum, it still affects daily life in our home and family every single day in several ways. Anyway that's what i hope to get out of this process in the end.

Tortuga, that seems to be a common sentiment among parents of ASD kids, so so many people put it down to the parents without giving it a second thought. It's not fair.

Thanks so much to all of you who have read this and given me your advice, support and opinions, i really appreciate it. Sorry to be so long winded, it's so hard to get across some of these things in words.

I try very hard to balance the fact that my son has needs and expressing to him why you can't just scream at the top of your lungs. At the moment of meltdown you can't explain that. I deal with different kinds of meltdowns in different ways. If my son is just upset I try to calm him down with breathing (I'm trying to find different methods to add to this) but some times I have to get his attention to break the initial panic. Once the screaming is paused, I start talking about what people think when they hear screaming and how it affects the family. I set rules, screaming is only if you are being hurt or about to be hurt. My daughter understood this at two (maybe gifted).

I have been a preschool teacher for 14 years. My mother has AS and my five (almost six) year old son is in the process of being diagnosed, looking at AS, ADD etc... but he has MANY sensory issues and totally age inappropriate reactions to things. Since I have been involved in child development for so long and am very well educated on the topic I always felt that I would be an awesome parent. Even still I was fearful that maybe some of my son's behavior was from spoiling.

The more I have really researched the Sensory Processing and Asperger's I really think it is our job as parents to try hard to understand what these children's perceptions are before responding. I work hard to predict my son's responses now and I try to talk him through things that he may have a fit over. My suggestion is to get super explanatory and proactive. For example with the organizing of things and relying on specific things you can give a four year old some responsibility for that. You could check in with her "Do you have all the thigns you need? Is everything where you like it so you can relax and fall asleep?" You can try asking her "what is it about that that you like so much?" or check in with her after a tantrum and see if she can describe how her body felt or think of a way to ask for help instead of screaming. In my experience once the screaming starts a serious mommy hug is the only thing that helps and trying to get my son to talk or listen once he's upset is impossible and makes it worse. For a long time I struggled thinking I was reinforcing the bad behavior if I hugged him while he was "acting out" but I now understand he is REALLY not able to control it.

As far as sharing goes, many children with AS have rules for how things are supposed to go, rules in heir heads which the people around them may be unaware of, and if those rules are changed or broken it is simply painful for a young kids with AS. For your daughter sharing may not be an option, or maybe you can work out some rules for her about how sharing works and stick with them ALL THE TIME. For example you could choose some toys that are always hers and never shared, but make some script for her when she sees the baby holding something she thinks is hers (if she loves it she may feel she has supreme rights to it all the time). She could learn to offer the baby something in trade, or to set an egg timer for three minutes for the baby's turn with the item. The little one could benifit from that too as an early and easy way to understand turn taking.

This is alot and I don't mean to lecture, I just have problem solved this alot in my own home and in my preschool where I now have a child with AS as a student too (lucky me, I'm surrounded!) and watching him have meltdowns in class. Because of the problems with Theory of Mind (Tony Atwood describes this quite well) the kid wih AS may actually believe that the people around them, including the baby, know how upset they will be if you do something (like take a toy) and are intentionally doing it to upset you. I think often these kids when they are young are feeling like the world is against them, they just haven't been able to explain it yet, or maybe they assume we know already.

Lastly I have been working hard to verbally affirm what my son seems to be experiencing. Instead of saying "calm down" or "the bathwater isn't that hot!" I try to say things like "That really bothers you, doesn't it?" or "I want to help you calm down, do you need a hug?"

Good luck, you are NOT spoiling your child, don't be afraid to use your instincts andd give her the benefit of the doubt. Children want to please us if they can, consistent meltdowns are NOT intentional.

I agree with pikkul but would like to add that you can teach a child with AS to change their rules. They have their rules because that is what they have worked out about how the world works. If you can teach them why one of their rules are incorrect, they will adjust.

Emmett, Thank you, i'm glad you're figuring stuff out for your son.

I think i read in another thread that you suspect you have AS as well? So do i and i know that can add an extra layer of difficulty when dealing with these things. Especially, if like me, you are sensitive to sound, the screaming is VERY hard to handle.

I've used breathing with her (deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth) for a while now and it is a huge help, she is very very good about doing it when i tell her to, i think i need to look closer at that to figure out more ways i can help her cope. If she is reeally really upset though, she can't do the breathing and we have to figure something else out to calm her down. I also often use the eye contact, make her look at me and then keep reminding her to look at me while we figure it out, she is not very good as far as eye contact, unless she is trying to figure something out in her mind about what you've done or said (or needs further explanation of something, you can almost see her brain working on the problem when she looks at you like that, it's not an everyday look IYKWIM) then she will stare into your eyes but otherwise she very rarely keeps eye contact and only for a second when she does, but if i insist, it does help us to figure something out, i will often let her stare off in another direction though, but the eye contact is important at the beginning to get her focus on me.

Pikkul, thank you so much i really appreciate your excellent advice and input. It is a lot but it is SUCH valuable information and insight for someone like me who is struggling with understanding all of this and has so many questions and doubts. As someone else mentioned, society has a way of blaming mothers for things like this, and it leaves us needing advice like what you've given. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. I hear a lot of similar stuff from my sister (who like you has worked a lot with children, currently runs a daycare and has a degree in early childhood education) and my mum who is a fountain of practical knowledge when it comes to kids, but it makes all the difference when it is coming from a stranger who you know has no bias and no emotional attachment to your child.

About predicting and checking that she has everything she needs etc. i have been doing that for a while and it has made a huge difference as far as preparing her for whatever the situation will be and offering her coping tools BEFORE whatever it is happens. For example, i'll talk with her about a Dr's appointment and what exactly is going to happen there a day or 2 before we go so that she knows everything that is going to happen. Dr's appointment have been a major difficulty with her all her life, the Dr's said several times before age 1 that they expected her to not be afraid the next time she came. Well, we had her 4 year check up yesterday and it was the easiest appt yet but she refused to let them look in her ears or mouth, the only reason there was no meltdown like every other time (even standing ont he scales used to cause a meltdown) was because i had the forethought to prepare her for it a couple of days ahead of time and explain exactly what was going to happen. Explaining it AT the time, does no good at all. I also decided that if the Dr's wanted to give any shots or blood tests or anything i would tell them i wanted to postpone it to another day so that i can prepare her for it.

At the moment, she is extremely worried about turning 5 (she just turned 4 on the 10th) because she is afraid her teeth will fall out and it scares her, she has been very worried about this for at least 6 months now, so i'm glad it was mentioned in passing when it was so i can take this couple of years (lol) to prepare her and hopefully make her excited about it.

I am definitely over explanatory! I was telling my husband yesterday after the Dr's appointment that i KNOW the Dr's are judging me wrongly and thinking i'm "one of those" mothers because of 1) How much i talk to her an explain things to her 2) Because i've insisted on the referral for the AS evaluation, i've spoken to them on several occasions and told them everything and much more that i've talked about here, and they don't see any need for an eval, i've insisted though and i know they think i'm "one of those" 3) She's been reading since age 3.5 and because of the way i explain things to her etc. and the fact i've taught her parts of her anatomy that most 4 year olds dont know (i.e. Bladder and Urethra, it's helped us with potty training for her to know those words and the different places they are so she can tell me what's going on better) they think i've probably pushed her with the reading and writing, when she actually taught herself with very very little input from me. It didn't help their perceptions that madam had chosen to wear all pink and i was also wearing a fair bit of pink yesterday by pure coincidence (as well as her wearing a headscarf like i wear, because she wanted to) Anyway, sorry bit of a tangent there.

I do the checking with her to make sure she has got everything she needs, occasionally we will miss something and not realize it until the light is off and i've left, then there will be a melt down (needless to say, i don't forget that particular thing again after that) I ask her a lot of questions but I will definitely start asking more questions like the ones you suggested, i think it will help, thanks.

Thanks for the explanation about sharing, that helps a lot to look at it that way. I know she has very very set rules for what is hers and shouldn't be touched. She is VERY good about bringing her brother something else to play with (although often forgets and skips to the meltdown first or while bringing him something) but he is fast outgrowing that and often wants the one that he's playing with and so will have a tanty of his own when she takes it off him and he doesn't want the alternative she's brought him (admittedly, it is sometimes a pretty lame trade, like his water sippy LOL) It makes for interesting refereeing and i try to help redirect him so that she can have her beloved whatever it happens to be at the time while explaining to her that he doesn't play with things for long and she'll have it back soon. It can be tough because i am fairly good at keeping up with what is HERS at that point in time, but it changes and so it's not always possible to know which things she is currently attached to.

Affirming her feelings is definitely something i need to work on more, it can be hard when ones nerves are frazzled from the day, but it is important and so i appreciate the reminder. She loves nothing more than me being proud of her and understanding her so i am aware of telling her when i am proud of her, and telling her how she can make me proud (this helps with behavior that is more "normal" 4 year old stuff, i don't use this with the other stuff because i know her level of control over that is much much less, if any)

Thank you again.