Parents With AS, HFA, how do you cope with being a parent?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,

I am 26 years old, mother of 3 children ages 5, 7, and 10. I had my first child out of high school at 16 years old. Although I was never formally diagnosed, I have ALL the symptoms of AS or high functioning autism. I married my husband when i was 17, and we have been together for 12 years now.

Our relationship has been really rocky, i think mainly due to his upbringing with an alcoholic family and my symptoms of AS. I have at times, found myself running away from my children when they were babies, mostly becuase I just feel so overwhelmed that i felt I would have a melt down if I didnt get away from the constant crying. I have read that loud noises and things really get to people with AS, and when my kids are fighting/crying, sometimes all at once, I literally have to run and lock myself in a room so that I cant hear it anymore. Sometimes, I just get in my car and leave.

My husbands mother has helped us alot in raising our kids and my daughter often calls her grandmother Mom becuase of this wich really sadens me. I didnt know at the time when I was 16 that I had AS, or I would have been more careful about having kids, and so many. But I am here nonetheless, and now I have three.

Not to mention my 7 year old has sever and violent symtoms of ADHD and will abuse his younger brother and older sister, adn even me at times.

I was just wondering if there is any other parents in the this situation like me with children. It seems that the most average of parenting duties really overwhelm me and I have panic attacks, melt downs, crying spells, and just all out have to run for a dark quiet room.

Things like doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, making dinner, grocery shopping get to be too much for me all too often, and have even at times in the past become agoraphobic refusing to leave my house because of my panic attacks at the store, refuse to anser the phone becuase of the awkwardness i have in conversation, and at the worst times, I stay in bed all day, only to eat and go to the bathroom.

I ahve gotten alot better now andhave found ways in dealing with this and manageble ways, but the stress of chores and things with my children is still there. i would jsut really like to hear how other mothers and father with AS or HFA deal with being a parent and the stresses that can sometimes become overwhelming.

Thank you for listening.

I posted a repy to your OP but it didn't post. I spent alot of time and put alot of thought into it. I can't rewrite it right now. When I am able, I will.

On Mother's Day, my oldest son thanked me that every time I drove away, I always came back.

I'm pregnant with my 5th child and dx with Aspergers. (My 5 yo dd is also) Being a parent is challenging no matter what, but I do find myself overwhelmed with "normal life" too often.
I don't have a lot of time to write at the moment, my 3 yo is crying.. but I wanted to say you aren't alone.

Always remember. You can't help other people (in this case children) if you haven't taken care of yourself.

Just knowing about your potential to meltdown is a big help. You recognize that your husband has limitations, he should recognize that you have yours.

I take time every day before the kids are up (okay not so much anymore, my daughter gets up with me now) to sit and think about the day and what has to happen. If I have a bad day, I tell my wife I need time to "decompress". That's in reference to divers that have to come back up to the surface slowly or they get the bends. Decompression is time that I take to think about how to reduce my stress levels, to plan, to calm down. My wife knows that when I say I need to decompress I mean business.

The point is to recognize a meltdown is coming. Mine happen infrequently, but come on awful fast when they do. Recognizing them and working on coping before you've melted down is key to avoiding them.

Meltdowns are usually a result from stress. Stress usually comes from (with children) disorder. Happily Aspies and children thrive best in structured environments where they feel safe. There are two rules for your children almost everything falls under these somehow. Dozens of parents we know refer to these as "Emmett's Rules" with their kids. (It's weird hearing them say that.)

Emmett's rules
1. Be nice
2. Ask first

There are rules for you
1. Always have a response to the rules being broken, even if it's just a short lecture
2. Make sure you can explain what rule was broken and how. Be ready to spell it out.
3. Make you child explain what they did wrong first (they do your work for you) then add to, adjust, emphasize your own points.
4. When a child tells you exactly what they did wrong and why it is wrong (according to age level) then the discipline needs to be stronger otherwise try to be merciful. This one is hard to quantify. If the child knew they were doing something wrong then they need strong guidance. Otherwise a small punishment may be all that is needed.

Its part of my "rules" to never quit. That has helped me not run away but I can't advise picking that one up unless you're really ready for it.

And don't worry, there are plenty of us who are slogging through it and coming out successful.

I think it's much harder to be an ASD mom than an ASD dad. The moms have to keep track of NT stuff like doctor's appointments and schooling. It's easier to be spacey if you're a dad, imo.

<interjection>

What an ignorant thing to say.
</interjection>

Aw Lecks, you're usually sweeter than that. She said it was her opinion and not necessarily true.
I used to keep track of the family minutiae, but my husband took over when I proved incompetent at it.

Thanks Lelia. My husband and I are both ASD. My conclusion is from experience. For instance, at school, it's me who's stuck with the NT moms doing things for the kids. When my husband shows up, they don't think he's weird, they just think that's how engineering types are. He gets a free pass. Both of us forget about dental appointments but I get the blame. I asked ASD friends about this. They agreed it's easier in a family, if one parent has to be ASD, it should be the dad. We both need an NT wife, I guess.

I'm struggling right now as an ASD parent to three kids. My youngest is still a baby, and this has always been the hardest period for me. Like, suicidally hard. Once they're all in school, it's always gotten much less stressful for me, since I have several hours each day alone, and things are generally much more predictable.

But I've always struggled with the standing-on-the-playground times, and with general household organization. I crave order, but just can't make it happen reliably in a household of five. My remarkably wonderful, patient, loving, and kind NT husband takes up a lot of my slack, and never, ever gets on my case about not holding up my end of the bargain. (He earns the lion's share of our income, and probably always will; we discovered years ago, long before we knew about AS, that fulltime work + family = disaster for me. So I feel like the least I can do is handle the household, but I fail at that regularly.)

Every time I go looking for survival strategies, I find things like "make sure you have a half hour to yourself every day," at which I have to laugh maniacally (to avoid weeping). Half an hour is so terribly, insanely nowhere near the amount of down time I need in a day. Or I find tips on how to make good schedules or be more efficient with tasks. Those aren't my problem....my problem is keeping my head chaos-free enough to follow through on my schedules and lists. I can only do that when I have enough down time.

If I'd known about autism twenty years ago, I would have made very different choices, I think. I desperately love my family, and I'm not saying I don't want to be with them; but I think if I'd decided never to marry and have children, I would have avoided a lot of depression.

But I think that's just part of my current phase of accepting my autism....mourning what could have been if I'd known what I was much earlier. My life is a good one, very good, and I'll get through this (right?) and move on to blending my new insight with what I love about my current life. Right?