Startlingly insightful, but struggling more

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I have been really astounded by a couple of moments when my son has seemed to have keen insights into himself and others around him lately. For example his one friend is quite unpopular with the other children in the class (my son isn't unpopular yet, he just fails to connect), and when I asked him why he thought this was, his response was, "The kids say it's because he is weird and dresses weird and he's ugly, mean and stuff like that, but I think it is because he says the wrong thing at the wrong time a lot. So the other kids get annoyed." This is precisely true, but I am amazed that he noticed and articulated it.

We also recently started therapy with a new psych, and he was able to describe his needs and feelings with a concise maturity that absolutely blew her (new psych) away. He also came up with what we are calling the "fixing scale" in response to what has been an ongoing problem for quite some time. Whenever my husband or I gave him any correction, no matter how small or kindly, gently put, he would flip out, saying things like, "You think everything I do is wrong! You're always mad at me!" etc. We, with his help, finally figured out that it's because he can't tell by our tone and/or facial expression how big of a problem it is or if he is in "trouble", so he gets worried and responds like we're really upset and it's a big deal, even when it's not. Needless to say his self esteem is really taking a beating, feeling like he's in trouble all the time. So he suggested a scale from 1 to 5 (just like the "feelings" scale) to help him determine how serious we are, and how big of a problem it is. Now when we correct him, we preface it by saying "This is a 2, we need you to..." And he feels a million times better, because he quickly noticed that we almost never have a serious problem with his behaviour, it just needs little tweaks here and there.

He's been having such a hard time lately at school. Partly I think, because he is so keenly observant. He is becoming super sensitive about what the other kids may be thinking. Our other son (same age, also AS), is still oblivious to the idea that the other kids are thinking anything really. And he is much happier and has much less social anxiety, so I guess all this new found insight comes at a price.

Another mom whose child has LFA, once told me that she almost feels sorrier for the highest functioning kids on the spectrum, because they can perceive the differences, be more hurt by the insults and exclusions and more frustrated by their limits. I am seeing that with my son as he attains this new level of understanding. It's been one helluva week...but I am also so proud of him. I guess I just needed to vent to people who understand how wonderful and also tough this all is.

He sounds like a gorgeous little boy! Isn't it wonderful when they can help you help them with coping strategies, we recently discovered an excellent coping strategy for sounds and situations that bother our 4 year old out in the world! She asks to wear a headscarf (we're muslim so i wear one when we are out all the time) and it helps her cope with things she would otherwise have a meltdown over.

I was a lot like your son as a kid, insightful way way beyond my years, i think i still am like that... it gets emotionally very draining at times though and is one of the things that sometimes causes me to retreat from people. It also helps me understand myself better and i think it helps me figure out how to cope with things too. I'm also AS.

Thanks Dilemma.
I was a lot like my son when I was growing up too. Maybe that's part of why it's so painful to see him starting down this path of analyzing/over-analyzing and anguishing over every little thing that the other people around him say and do. Because sometimes he's razor sharp with his insights and sometimes he completely misunderstands other people (like me too ), but he's exhausting himself worrying about it all.

Your daughter's head scarf solution is great! My sons both wear hoods up almost all the time. It is so great when they can help to figure stuff out (especially at 4! Good for her!).

Poor little guy! I can't think of any way to cope with that really, like i said, my coping strategy with that is to retreat and that's not something we really want to encourage in an AS kid. I know what you mean about misunderstanding people too.

Madam is wonderful, i don't know that she will have that insight into other people that your son has (she has the whole no empathy thing going on most of the time) but she definitely understands things well beyond her wee self which i am sure contributes to the problems she has while also helping her with coping.

It's so amazing and also so heartbreaking to watch them sometimes isn't it!

This thread is so timely for me as I've been trying to get a handle on exactly where the disconnects are for my son who can be amazingly socially astute at times. I recently read about a research study where one side finding was that the children who had the highest level of social intelligence weren't the best at handling social situations. Sometimes I think my son is so sensitive that he actively tunes it out and steamrolls ahead to avoid contact.

I'm encouraged by NateSean's experience (my son would react similarly), but I think underneath he gets lonely at times. I wish I knew how to make it easier for him to connect with other boys in a sustainable, unorchestrated way.

Laura, i always felt lonely and never understood why the other kids didn't want to be my friend. I didn't understand it until i was in my 20's and through research discovered i have Aspergers! Everything sort of fell into place then. I never did get good at the social thing, but i'm sure your son, as i have, will understand things more as he get's older. Knowing that he has Aspergers at least will take away (hopefully) some of the personal feelings, i went through years of thinking there was something wrong with ME that meant i couldn't make or keep friends for very long, i always knew i was different, but i couldn't figure out what it was about me that kept me without friends.

Maybe kids like your son (and me as a kid) are too intense for the other kids? Or maybe it's us that can't handle the social stuff and so we sort of put out some sort of "i don't want to deal with you" vibe? I still don't know.