Parent's question about chess and game-playing

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Hi all. My 8 yo aspie son started playing chess in 1st grade. While he wasn't an instant prodigy, he enjoyed it and became quite good, quite quickly. Once he started playing games with other people, he started becoming very anxious. The best I could figure was that he would inspect the board and wanted the other person to play according to his strategy (note: not always in his own favor, he's very FAIR). Once his level of play was to the point where it was inappropriate for him to talk across the board, he would give up and throw the game in frustration if the other person was either not as good as him (made "stupid" moves) or was too much better than him (made "surprising" moves). We finally pulled him from the school chess club at his request because he was becoming too anxious. He has completely refused to play chess for a year now, though if we set up a newspaper problem, he enjoys looking at it (we've tried to be encouraging without being overbearing.....). He has problems with all sorts of game play now, anything from arcade games to board games to team sports. He loves practicing skills, but throw another person into the game and he shuts down. I think it's all stemming from the uncertainty in social interaction involved with interactive game-play, with a healthy dose of his desire to control the interactions to keep them within his comfort zone. Any thoughts? Discussion?

I have an idea, I don't care if you reject it.

You could see if he shows an interest in learning an instrument?

Instruments definately in the end are about connection, but it also gives him the chance to spend months (years if he loves it) learning it alone and then work out how to connect it with others while he grows.

It also has the advantage of not really being as competetive as games, because without playing together music simply won't work.

Ask him what he likes most about chess...

Then act accordingly.

For example - maybe he wants to run the show and teach- let him work with beginners to bring them up to his level.

Maybe he does not know the rules. Like here is how you are suposed to act in a chess game.

Maybe remote computer chess is better.

Julie

It helps to acknowledge that NT society and life places great emphasis on coming first. It's something that tends to be ground into children from their earliest days so it's little wonder that autistic children who are literal black/white thinkers learn this rule, applying it absolutely. The problem is not innate to autistics though. Being first grants prizes and advantages in life. As parents/teachers, we need to teach social control(ie your turn, my turn) in absolute terms, pushing on through barriers until there is acceptance of a more important rule: turn taking. It's important to also ensure that other rankings receive reward/reinforcements, not just he who wins/ranks first.

There are many bad-tempered, ungracious losers found in both adults and children(take a look at some of our sportsmen/women!) but self control can be learned, though it can take years and also depends on having the capacity for insight which, in turn, depends on level of intellect. Many autistic children do not have that capacity, but should still be taught to behave in a socially correct manner.

I was very competitive in certain sports and subjects(not in an overbearing manner though), as were/are all my children(all AS), and we have learned that bettering our own ability and competing against yourself are the best "wins".

You wrote:
"I think it's all stemming from the uncertainty in social interaction involved with interactive game-play, with a healthy dose of his desire to control the interactions to keep them within his comfort zone."

I agree. Control for those on the spectrum is a safety issue. Each new person and setting needs to be learned and deemed as safe in order for anxiety to abate. So far as games go, anxiety is natural due to the unpredictability of every aspect as well as the social interaction involved. We worked on this alot with our children who all greatly enjoy games nights now. They and we do thrive on time alone though and tend to excel when it comes to solitary pursuits(ie music, art, sport etc)

Sounds a little bit like my brother. Ask him specifically what he enjoys about chess. If he likes playing it with another person, perhaps you could learn how to play chess (if you don't already know how to) and play with him on the premise that he behaves properly. If he can learn how to do this with you, then a logical next step would be for him to do this with someone else.

Musical instruments are also a good idea to look into, but this was already suggested.

Great insight from all! And great suggestions, too....strangely, he suddenly picked up a trumpet this week and asked to start lessons, I'm going to let him play at home for a while and start him slowly; he can join band next year if he wants. I too think that music is a great introduction to social cooperation.

Juliette--can you elaborate on exactly how you worked with your children to help them enjoy game-playing? He will play games with me and only me. But I can't get the rest of the world to change for him. I could use some specific pointers.

Hi Kotka. Hope you’re doing well. Before you can work on skills with any child, the most important factor is establishing control. Any child who asserts power over his mother/teacher will simply continue to do so unless checked to the child’s detriment. The best and most affective teaching/management strategies in the world can be applied but be next to useless without a firm but kind role model in charge of working with the child. Parents/teachers must be in charge of the boundaries of their child’s life while allowing children discretion to self manage within the boundaries. Please note that this is not personally directed at you, but would be the advice I would give to anyone first and foremost.

It’s great that your son is playing so well with you. From here, I’d introduce either a third party(be this sibling or friend), encouraging co-operative turntaking from beginning to end under your guidance. There are certain management rules of thumb that come into play here. With the introduction of any new person/experience, anxiety is likely to increase initially. Expect challenging behaviour as this will be your son’s way of testing you, ensuring that he can rely on you to maintain control in unknown territory so to speak. When you are tested(ie should your son disrupt the game in some manner) simply direct him politely and pleasantly back to gameplay, without raising your voice, maintaining a neutral tone and with no mention of any negative behaviours displayed. As I say, make no response to overt behaviour. Any direct response, no matter how well meaning, to an autistic child’s socially unacceptable behaviour will reinforce it as a functional pattern of communication behaviour to him.

If behaviour escalates, allow your son time to calm briefly and then calmly direct him back to what he is meant to be doing. The game must never be abandoned completely but followed through to ensure it is experienced from beginning to end. Without completion, so much is abandoned, not just the game itself. Valuable learning which serves to build self esteem and encourage positive social interaction is also abandoned. When your son has returned to the game and playing in an acceptable manner once more, then it’s important to praise him in an indirect manner(praise through task performance ie what he does, not who he is.) Personal praise from others, though well intentioned, is actually aversive to most autistics. Over time we learn to tolerate it, but that doesn’t mean we like it.

We do have a lot of fun now but I do remember the early days when my eldest son would storm off to his room if the game did not go his way. There’s a lot to be said for perseverence when it comes to game playing as it can set the basis for many future highly enjoyable games encounters as children grow and mature into adulthood. Many relationships are forged through game playing. Best Wishes:).

Juliette--I am going to print out your response and use it for a reminder--it is exactly how I feel I (and E's teachers, and his dad, etc.) should be interacting with E on a daily basis! I hope that's OK with you. What a perfect little encapsulated statement. Thank you!

This weekend we had an interesting series of events; E's little sister wanted to play a game entirely dictacted by luck (junior monopoly). E joined in, surprising us both. What didn't surprise me was when he blew up several minutes into the game because he was doing "bad."

Not having read your advice yet, E and I retreated to calm down and talk in another room while little sister and Dad finished the game. We talked about the differences between games of luck and games of skill. He told me that they play math games--with a single winner out of the class, who receives a free ice cream--in school (which I hadn't realized--I told him that if he feels he participates well he can reward himself with the prize at lunch--an ice cream--even if he has problems thinking quickly and doesn't do well with the game....if he has problems participating and doesn't think he deserves a reward, he can choose no ice cream. Having choices and being able to self-judge his own behavior really helps him think about what he's doing and try harder). He also revealed that he thought that chess was a stupid kids' game and he thought he was bad at it. We talked a bit about the history of chess and I explained to him that chess is actually a game that is too confusing and difficult for many adults (or so they think). I told him exactly where he stood in the school ranking (3rd among 1-5th graders), and explained to him that chess is his choice, he can pick it up again whenever he wants---or not.

Later that evening he initiated setting up a newspaper problem on the board with his Dad. The next day, he played (and whupped) me, not getting anxious when I made a couple of tricky moves (apparently not tricky enough!). He's not ready to play Dad (who has an overactive competition streak--he just can't stand losing, E doesn't fall far from the tree there!), but it's a good sign for him to play me--a start, in other words.

something very similar happened to me when i was young, but chess got taken away against my will, the school counselor said it was best because i was too obsessed and in their infinite wisdom they decided to take away that and my wristwatches and clocks, i had this thing about everyone being punctual and i used to call the automated phone that told you the exact time.. if your child has a gift nurture it, if he has a joy or pleasure, within reason, try to get it to him.. as a child i couldnt understand at the time i was just pissed about it.. even if he isnt very good, it is something he enjoys, work with him, within reason