An Aspie Christian issue

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Naturally, I've always been outside the typical social sphere for my age and gender. I never fit in at school or at church. In my search to explain this phenomenon, before I happened upon AS as the likely explanation, I understood my outsiderness as a function of my faith.

Growing up as a Christian, I was repeatedly told that the better a Christian I was, the more ostracized I would feel, the more against the grain my life would become. I was happy to be outside and different because I thought it meant that I was being and becoming more godly.

Now I feel that the subculture of my religion actually kept me from trying to learn how to socialize effectively, and now, as an adult, I feel like my inability to socialize well keeps me from participating in the church. All the outsiderness that the church cultivated in me as a child actually keeps me from being able to participate in the church as an adult.

All the self worth I used to derive from being outside the group, being off the beaten path, has been replaced with angst about not being able to live up to the social responsibilities I believe my faith demands. I feel frustrated, but I don't believe the answer is to eliminate Christianity from my life.

Does anyone else have this issue?

Some of the things you express in the way you understand Christianity reflects a lot of misunderstanding about what it means to be a Christian. In our day and society, there is no real stigma against Christianity as a popular movement. To say that being a Christian means you will necessarily be ostracized is false. There are a lot of Christians out there who are fine practitioners of their faith, which means the inclusion of like-minded individuals: "Love your neighbor as yourself." While "neighbor" applies to the unbeliever as well, it ESPECIALLY applies to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Christians are to build each other up, not "cause...(our brothers) to stumble." One main tenet of our faith is that we reach out to others, showing the best possible loving example of what it means to be a follower of Christ and spread the Gospel. Feelings of persecution and social isolation will not help you here. If you have been made to feel an outsider within your own church congregation, then I'm VERY sorry. No Christian deserves to be made to feel that way.

The TRUTH, however, is that Christians are frequently targets for unbelievers. A Christian who is open about what he believes, consistently displays integrity even when it's inconvenient, and consistently deals fairly with others is significantly less likely to move up quickly in a business as, say, an unbeliever who is deceitful, takes advantage of others, makes shortcuts, doesn't do the work, but is a "real go-getter." My wife is one of the few people I know who can storm into her boss's office, yell at her for mistreatment/abuse of her coworkers, and walk out with her job still intact--oh yeah, and still have seniority in an office where her co-workers have more experience than she does! If you feel persecuted because of your faith, that is partial evidence that you're doing something right. At the same time, though, you have to remember we don't live in pre-Christian Rome. Your faith in Christ does not "make" you fall among the dregs of society. Observing all the teachings of Christ does go against the grain in our society, especially since so many things that the Bible speaks out against as immoral have become commonplace in our world--in truth, they always have been.

It is also possible, assuming you are, indeed, a true believer in Christ, that you are Spirit-led in that direction (feeling you are an outsider), for which there is some purpose that you are to fulfill. You MIGHT be on the right path and the feelings you have that you believe prevent you from participating in church are simply attacks intended to make you doubt your beliefs.

I have ALWAYS felt like an outsider, I have faced a lot of trouble in my life over the last few years, and it has put a tremendous strain on my family. My wife, also a believer but with less experience, has begged me time after time to give up, pack our bags, and just move on. I wouldn't budge, and the things that happened to us since then have only proven to her what it is really like living the kind of life totally subjected to God's will. She's a lot happier now and much more convinced of the benefits of holding out against seemingly impossible odds and building spiritual as well as mental/emotional endurance.

I've even felt like an outsider within my own church, but I recognize that as a result of AS. When I first started attending the church that I do now, I didn't know ANYONE except for one of my coworkers. Since I'm a musician, I joined the choir within a week and quickly built some good relationships among people that share a common love for God and music. I didn't have to worry about "fitting in," or really staying that close with anyone because it was automatic. Roughly two years later, I became the permanent pianist/accompanist. While this exposes me much more than simply singing bass in the choir, I don't mind because I'm serving God the way I know best. They could have put anyone on that bench. It couldn't have been me had it been outside God's will. I was scared to death that first rehearsal and the next Sunday morning because I attend a big church! But nothing felt more "right."

My experience was relatively easy because I made up my mind that my fate was no longer in my own hands. Put all the responsibility on God and you don't have to worry about mistakes. It could be you're only just beginning to realize your purpose because you express a desire to serve in various ways. I still don't feel I'm COMPLETELY living up to my purpose, but I feel that a lot of walls around things I've felt led to do but didn't for different reasons are starting to fall apart. Some things I can no longer come up with reasons NOT to do. I think you'll eventually feel the same way.

I'd like to know more, of course, about your situation. How you grew up in your faith, what it means to you to exercise your faith, what church denomination or association you belong to, what exactly it is you feel your faith demands, and other facts will go a long way to helping me know more about you and give you a better answer.

You are certainly not alone here.

I thought the "Christians are rejected" issue was why things seemed to get worse, and I won't say that there isn't something to be said about religious persecution, but even in the church I've been an outsider. Church congregations are social constructs like everything else, and it's hard to feel like you belong when you don't tend to experience "chemistry" with other people in the first place.

If you observe and respect the rights and property of others, do not engage in fraud and do not permit yourself the liberty of criminal negligence then you have done all any reasonable person can be required to do. Hence you should not feel that you are less then you ought to be.

ruveyn

zer0netgain, I couldn't agree more! It has taken me years just to get to know people's names at the church I attend now. Though I can socialize well in small spurts, I can't keep it up for long periods of time. Though I feel an obligation because of the mutual love I feel I'm supposed to have with my fellow Christians, I don't really want to socialize. It isn't that I don't like them, I do, I just can't participate the way they expect me to participate, which is awkward for me and frustrating for them. I've told the pastor that I strongly suspect that I have AS, but that was a big mistake. Instead of helping him understand me better, this just perpetuated and exacerbated the misunderstanding. It seems difficult for NT people to understand that AS expresses itself differently in an juvenile male than in an adult female. I haven't told anyone else except my husband and brother since then.

If it's any consolation, I had zero religious subculture growing up and, I too, never learned how to socialize effectively.

Strangely enough, this lifelong struggle has helped me to see the value in others, has helped me to remember and empathize with so-called "outcasts" of society as an adult Christian. Socially, I feel very alienated from the rest of the world sometimes, but maybe this is simply a part of living in a fallen world, where relationships aren't what they ought to be and we're all struggling to "know and be known" and "love and be loved" -- it simply got to the point of "well, how does God demonstrate his way of knowing and loving others?" It's seen in his response to the weak, the needy and the outcast (basically anybody who calls on him, in that sense).

Like the Great Commandment says "...you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" and "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Seems like that's what we know is missing, so I guess it's a matter of God showing how to live that out in the midst of the struggles.

Anyway, there are many different ways of getting to know people -- I guess I get more enjoyment out of "doing something" while I talk to people. It's a lot more fun if I'm serving in a kitchen with 3-5 people, doing something we all enjoy and we have it in common.

Last edited by Maranatha on 14 Apr 2010, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

We are supposed to love everyone, even atheists, as God loved us before we knew him, but that doesn't mean that we have to conform to their expectations. If people cannot accept you in spite of your reserved nature (AS not withstanding) then maybe it is their love that is somewhat lacking.

Yes, you are quite right! We are to love everyone since it is our new nature as Christians to do so regardless of whether or not that love is deserved, not that any of us deserve to be loved, in fact we all deserve something quite nasty, but that is what grace is all about, right?

I guess I just get confused sometimes and think that extroversion is spiritually superior to introversion because extroversion allows people access to more relationships in which to love. I guess I'm forgetting that no one is keeping score, quantity and quality are not equivalent.

I do find that being different makes me more sympathetic to others who are also marginalized. I guess there is a blessing in the perspective from the fringe. I've noticed that "doing something" while I try to socialize with people helps too, but I haven't intentionally sought out those opportunities. Maybe I should. Thanks.

I was bulied horribly in church by fellow "Christians" and as a result it has made me wary and extremly distrustful of anyone who calls themself one.

Your heart does not have to bleed for the human race. Garden variety honesty and decency go a long way.

ruveyn

Sorry to hear you were bullied horribly -- I feel much the same as you on this issue. There is a certain degree of clarity that's needed when discussing personal faith on a web forum, mostly so that spdjeanne can decide whether my comments are helpful or relevant.

Otherwise, I tend to believe that (for better or worse) one's actions speak louder than words.

Last edited by Maranatha on 15 Apr 2010, 10:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Same here. My mother was the church organist and I began my "church life" wrapped in a blanket on the front pew right beside her ... and I eventually helped cut parts for the roof trusses for the new building. I was relatively comfortable there because the setting as so familiar, but I never really felt like I actually belonged.

Churches in protestant countries are primarily social organizations. The function of churches is to bring like minded folk together to break bread, sing songs and have a cordial good time with each other. Basically that is pretty benign. The same is true of synagogues.

ruveyn

Wow, this sounds like my life. As a teenager I was never very sociable, so wasn't shall we say led astray by the temptations of youth, so I was always viewed as a good girl. As I got older I began to blame my faith for how I've turned out because I too was told that Christians would be outsiders. I actually do believe that real Christians are outsiders, Jesus was an outsider in his community and so were his followers, so were the prophets of the old testement. I was talking to a friend of mine last week and he said he was similar to me as a teenager. He was happy on his own, he still is, and wasn't concerned about what the other kids were up to. It seems to me from this point of view it is easier for Aspies to be good Christians. However, there is the being actively interested in the wellfare of your fellow man like the good samaratin that we socially inept folk are not so good at.

When I am at church I dread the end after the final prayer when I have to socialise. I have nothing to say. Everyone is very nice to me. I am easy to get on with, but I am overly quiet. I was brought up with the view that a good christian shares their beliefs. That was easy for me when I was younger and more opinionated. But now I am older and have learned that my way of communication is not like others, I find the whole talking about my beliefs difficult because I am concered about how I convey myself. I won't say what denomination I am because I don't want anyone to judge the others of my church by the way I put things accross.

I see things logically, I don't know how to take into account the bigger emotional picture. I can see a logical reason for a command from God, but to explain that to someone else is hard, because they have emotional considerations.

Now I have learned what Aspergers and Autism are, i understand myself and my family better and I don't blame my beliefs. I would have turned out this way anyway. I think that being a Christian has protected me. I was a very niave youngster that could have been taken advantage of, but my faith is strict and I haven't got myself into a situation where I have been taken advantage of sexually.

I have also been taught about love and compassion for other people through being a christian. I think I would have lived in my own bubble if I hadn't been prodded into doing volutary work. I am thankful for my faith.