Anger at God and Autism

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God, church, faith... these things became my entire world. For a long time I stopped listening to secular music. Heck I threw tons of CDs in the trash. I'd only watch certain movies and shows. I was as devoted as I've ever been to anything. I'd talk to complete strangers about God. I'd talk to friends about God. Even when they thought it was strange. Service and seeing my church friends was the highlight of my week.

But slowly it unraveled. I learned a lot about love from The Bible. So much so that at first that's what I saw. What I focused on. Over time I saw how there was so much hate too. So much judgment. Excuses to pick on others, condescend to them, say they were going to hell. And I myself had been no better. I was telling people about God's love while saying it was conditional. That if they didn't become saved then God didn't love them. That didn't make any sense.

Then at a certain point it happened. The presence was gone. I was alone. For the first time in years I was alone. It crushed me. The love of my life had left. I didn't know why. And I didn't know why God never fixed my stuttering. Did God not exist? Did he not love me? Did he hate me? Why had be abandoned me?

People at my private school found out. Through me. I wrote a long thing about it to one of my teachers. The reactions were mostly negative. But one guy, who I hadn't known well before, began to take an interest. Here was this Christian who was so into God... and he's the one who ended up not being a Christian anymore. We became close. He ended up one of the best friends I've ever had.

You can call it insanity or chosen perspective. But looking back I feel like church was an important part of my life. It expanded my mind. Made my circle of understanding and love bigger. And losing church? Losing people who felt like family? Being alone until I made a new friend? Maybe that happened so my mind could expand more. My circle broken so that I could create an even bigger one. Learn to love and understand even more people.

Over the years I keep meeting new individuals. It's like receiving another piece of a puzzle. The one that all of us are a part of. They say that's God's strength is made perfect in weakness. Well I am weakness personified. Yet the weakest creature is able to see strength in everyone.

Transyl, thank you for your fantastic and insightful post. We see eye to eye about these things! I do attend my mom's church from time to time, because there are one or two guys there with autism and whom I like to talk to. (they are still young compared to me but when has age mattered to an aspie?) One of them is into designing PC games and I gave him a link to WP as well as to my blog.

Compassion for others is the highest ideal there is, and one we all need to strive for. Church, both traditional fundamental in which I grew up, as well as charismatic, was important to me but it began to unravel as well, due to the actions of certain people as well as the inclination towards the prosperity message. It was good while it lasted and helped me make friends and overcome loneliness, but the general message became muddied as I began to see parts of the Bible that didn't square with the love theme!

We are all on a learning curve and shaped by our experiences.

I appreciate you saying that. Glad to see I'm not the only one who feels that way.

It's awesome that you have some people in real life to talk to with autism. At my new church I don't know anyone too well. It's more challenging getting integrated as an adult.

One of my friends. When we were young we went to church together quite a bit. Later he became an atheist. His girlfriend was talking to me once saying she was worried about him. That he wasn't saved. I said if there's anybody you can see God through it's him. There's something so pure when he laughs. He's one of the most genuine and kind people I know. You can also see his sadness. Without going into detail life has been rough on him. Maybe that's why he can't believe in God. But if she can't see God in him every day than she needs to remember what God looks like.

God is inside us. Our struggle and our joy. Our love and loneliness.