Feeling Unwelcome In Church

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For some of you, a church is probably the last place you would ever go, but for the rest, i am seeking advice.

I have been going to a Calvary Chapel (google them) a conservative, simplistic, non-denominational church. We could be classified as being somewhere between Baptist and Assemblies of God (Pentecostal) denominations, if you must consider us a denomination.

I am single, my family is partly catholic, partly modernist, so i go alone. Just about everyone else there is married with children or, in a relationship. There are many people you might consider "roughnecks", bikers, tattooed people, leather jackets, and so on, its a very casual congregation. I am anything but a "roughneck". While i do adhere to the beliefs of the church, i am somewhat of an "outsider". My social awkwardness does not stay at the door, when we clap in unison during songs, i am usually out of step, i never know where to look (jumbotron, or stage). My one "redeeming" trait, is that the senior pastor lived next door to me many years ago i was about 7, and i was "friends" with his daughter (by friends i mean my mother asked her to play with me). The congregation is tightknit, but i really dont know anyone there (except for three people, one of which is autistic).

This past sunday, we had a guest pastor, i enjoyed his sermon, he was talking about how we as Christians strive to live a "pre-modern" life in a "post-modern" world, and he started talking about how far the moral decay of the western world has come, for example, in england, at least one disused church has been turned into a gentlemans club, or how here in the states, there is now a sharia court in texas. (dont get me started on the evils of sharia law). On the way out, i attempted to "come out of my shell" by saying to the person next to me that "it was hard to believe that things have gotten this bad". He simply replied "no its not" in an authoritative tone.

Im starting to feel unwelcome because of my lack of understanding in certain matters. I believe in the core tenets of Christianity, but i find it difficult to really "get into" the Bible. I read the stories but i dont really get the "meanings" of them.

I have been Christian all my life, nothing anyone can say will change that, but i just feel out of place in church. I love the contemporary music, the pastors really put things into perspective, but i still feel like an "outsider" because i go alone.

What should i do? should i stop going? before this church, it had been six years since i had gone, and that was to a catholic church. The door may say "All Welcome" but i feel anything but.

If you don't feel welcome at church, why not simply explore your faith by yourself? Beyond the human requirement for social congress (which doesn't seem to be meshing very well with you), I never understood why religious people feel the need to go to a specific location to practice their faith. God is meant to be omnipresent. Why do you need a pastor to tell you what you believe? Why not take yourself on a journey of self-discovery? Read the Bible, read theology and philosophical theories, and make your own way.

KaiG- For the longest time that was my philosophy, God is there wherever you need Him. I was just starting to get tired of people looking down on me because i did not belong to a congregation. I would get into a discussion on matters of faith, and when the church question would pop up, i would give the explanation i did earlier in this post, and the person would preach to me that i needed to be in fellowship with others. I went to church seeking acceptance, and found rejection. I feel there is no place for a "social hierarchy" in a church, GOD should be the only authority. I believe that Salvation is by faith, church attendance is positive but it will not get you "more saved" than worship and prayer alone.

I think i will write the pastor a letter, thanking him for his work, but i will go back to private bible reading. I just love the music though, the pastor is the lead vocalist for the band.

If you can find a church where you belong, the sense of community is valuable and can help you to grow in your faith. If you cannot find acceptance in a congregation, then why torture yourself?

I like the congregation I've found: the people are very welcoming and accepting. Even so, I still have difficulty connecting with them and don't quite feel as though I "belong" yet.

What are you expecting? That seems a bit blunt, but that is the first question one can ask. Any question about "should I change churches" has to first question where the problem seems to be, and how this should be different, and who is responsible for what. As it stands, any community is can be difficult to get oneself into, and it might not be automatic. If it helps, you could look for smaller groups if they are offered by the church, as often what helps people who are less social integrate is smaller groups where they can be more expressive.

As for talking to the person next to you, part of the issue there is really that your guest pastor was trying to highlight what is wrong with the world, but also the world has always had very wrong things about it. So, the guy's response isn't necessarily rude or unkind or anything like that (it could have been), but rather he either didn't take the sermon seriously, with "no its not", meaning "it really isn't that bad, as the guy just cherrypicked the worst things", or "no its not", really could just mean "it's not surprising at all". Either way could make sense. More efforts with different people could help, particularly if you could find a good group of people around your age category. It is easier for most people to relate within their age category than outside of it.

Getting into the Bible is an issue as well. If the issue is with "the stories", then might I suggest that you read theology rather than just the Bible directly? This isn't to say "don't read the Bible", but rather if you have an external aid to help highlight what is important and what it means, and this can help you make sense of the matter with greater ease if the issue is just that you have a greater problem with narrative than the average non-fiction writing. I dunno, if I knew what ways of learning were easier and what weren't, there might be a method that could be used.

Does any of this potentially help?

Note: I am not trying to be pushy in any form or fashion either. I have nothing at stake either way, it is just that most conservative Christians I know do think that going to church is deeply important.

Last edited by Awesomelyglorious on 26 Jul 2010, 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i would go to church, but i know its all just a big misunderstanding

thechadmaster--Please see your Inbox.

Similar experience here. But my issue is I don't really fit in anywhere in any kind of social situation, church included. So I can hardly fault my church congregation for that! My experience is unique in that I'm a career musician and have been on-staff at my church for almost four years now. Before that I sang in the choir, so I had the advantage of participating in church activities in such a way that I could get away with saying very little to only a few people.

Now I'm a lot more front-and-center, get a lot of attention without even trying, and still manage to smile and make minor small-talk without coming across as a complete social imbecile. The attention is generally positive, and the piano is a huge source of security for me, the one thing I don't have to be timid about! Yes, I'm much more obnoxious behind a keyboard than I am on the PPR forum.

Understandably, taking such a role in a choir, praise team, rhythm section, piano/organ, other is not a viable option for most aspies, let alone typical congregants. I think aspies are more likely to be pew-warmers than anything else. And I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Regardless of your "status" in church, the great equalizer in worship is coming together for a common goal: Worship. The BEST part of worship is the "strength in numbers," NTs and aspies alike, and no independent Bible study, prayer/meditation, etc. can serve as an adequate substitute. Even before I got married and started my own family, I learned to take the initiative and get involved in church, even if I was completely alone. My particular church doesn't have a habit of just leaving its visitors alone, but it's been wonderful being part of a church with a true family atmosphere. It really is a rare find.

I'm not going to lie, though. As important as church attendance should be to all believers, you'll never find a church that doesn't have a seedier side. Last year I had to endure the nightmare of repeated attacks on my family by church members. My wife was escorted from church grounds on one occasion. There were fake calls to DHS resulting in repeated visits from social workers. We were determined enough to not let it affect us, though, and we took steps to make sure certain people involved didn't bother us anymore. One woman involved suffered some unfortunate events in her own life which took her far, far away from us. Things are a LOT different now, but it's not without having to let go of a lot of bitterness. We don't trust as easily. We moved out-of-town and don't discuss where we live now. We RARELY invite visitors inside our house.

But in spite of that, we do have more friends than enemies and have otherwise been treated extremely well, no incidents in over a year now! Hopefully no one else here will have that kind of experience, but with church being an attempt at a family, you can always expect a very small number that don't get along with each other or anyone else. It's hardly reason to discount the positive experiences altogether.

It sounds a lot like buckling to peer pressure and suggestibility, to me. If you're surrounded by people who believe as you do, you'll stagnate. It'll create a self-perpetuating feedback loop, and you'll never escape.

Considering everything, you may feel more comfortable at a Lutheran service or maybe just a smaller church. It may also help to schedule and spend some time with the pastor/priest and discuss these matters. The particular rituals involved with where you currently go may just not jibe with you. Lutheran services are much more toned down and personal and the pastors are also much more on a grounded level without the theatrics. Just saying that because it seems there are certain aspects that don't compliment you and allow you to feel welcome and a change in sect may help that a bit.

I dunno, it sounds like the church you're involved in is more of a charismatic service and that might not be what'll really resonate with you.

Skafather84- on the contrary actually, I love an enthusiastic sermon/pastor. I consider myself part of the charismatic movement, i want revival to come to America. The Lutheran church is closely related to the catholic church, almost as close as the anglican/episcopal church, i want to get away from the stuffy 16th century constrained worship style.

At Calvary Chapel, we sing contemporary music often heard on Christian radio, we wear cutoffs sandals and baseball caps to church, and our "style" is similar to the Bible studies of the early (3rd-4th century), it really is exciting.

SoSayWeAll-Thank you. Check your inbox.

Wow. Some things to say on this.

Being a Seventh Day Aspie, I've always felt somewhat unwelcome in church, even with people I've been acquainted with for years. For me, church is a hospital where sick people are trying to get better, myself included. I never lose sight of the fact that there are other sickos out there in the pews that are as much as I am but I also don't want them to cough on me or vice versa. So being unwelcome is difficult to deal with when you have such a low tolerance for people in your space.

That said, I DO think active service can help aspies because for me, a lot of my boldness came from the fact that the Adventist churches I went to as a kid really stressed and encouraged youth service in ALL parts of the service. Also, our church when I was in high school had very few people period so all hands tended to come to the spiritual pump. Being forced to do it forced me to learn how to do it better because once you do it well once, you WILL be asked again for it.

Church ladies are not risk takers. But I digress.

For me, I'm more concerned with being able to deal with my own inner ekklesia, the inner church inside of me and the service symbolizes that. But the outward manifestation of those truths is essential to maintaining a society that works and for that to happen, corporate worship AND socializing needs to be there.

IMO, the church IS a family. Families suck but they are typically all we have and sometimes we don't even have that!

Start your own congregation!

I have thought of that, but ive been told thats a BAD idea. Even fellow Christians have told me NO WAY!

I feel like telling them, "im not accountable to you, im accountable to God" but thats just the kind of pompousness i cant stand, a fellow human sinner exerting authority over me.

I would think it's a bad time to try that out. You would need to be really unique, or know of a few rich old ladies that aren't happy in their current congregation.

I agree. PLUS, you have to be able to fairly assess whether you're really the right leader for something like that. MOST preachers have a thorough knowledge of the Bible, and I mean on the level of university professors. Where it becomes a problem is when you have, and there are many, preachers who only know enough about the Bible to be dangerous. A lot of these go on to become TV evangelists. Either that, or they become cult leaders who end up getting gassed by the FBI/ATF.