Is Teaching Of Manners Contributing To Bullying?

Post Reply New Topic

I have no problem with teaching manners.

But yes, I do believe that unkind methodologies model and encourage unkind behaviors, and do spread the message that those who fail to conform deserve to be treated unkindly.

I offer myself as temporarily living proof.

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds a difficult situation to be in.

That's not about manners though. Now you've added more info. It sounds like you do know to say thank you and you actually meant it. That's more about unrealistic expectations of the grand parents. I can relate to a certain extent with some of my family. Even a roommate I had once.

I still stand by my assertion that teaching kids to say please and thank you is a good thing. There's nothing wrong with showing a bit of appreciation. Even if someone buys you a gift that's useless and you don't want it, it's better to say thank you than say what you're really thinking.

If someone bought me a gift I didn't want, I would just tell them something like, "I appreciate the thought, but honestly I don't think I'm going to use this. Maybe you should give it to John instead, I think he'll like it more." Something like that. I don't think that's rude; you can be straightforward and still be thoughtful about how you word it.

Otherwise you may end up in a situation down the road where they find out you actually hated their gift, and now they feel lied to. Now they wonder how many lies you may have told them. And even if they never found out, now you may have anxiety about that seemingly small deception; what if they do find out? What do you do?

Obviously that's taking it to a bit of an extreme, but I think as a principle, for the reason I stated above, you should never say something you don't mean, unless maybe somebody has a gun to your head. If somebody is really going to be that upset by an honest statement then they are the one with a problem.

The irony is that, to teach children that they are not just entitled to certain things, we teach them that others are entitled to certain things ('thank you's, 'pleases' etc.). I don't believe the kindest person in the world is entitled to a thank you, because nobody is truly entitled to anything. People should say these things because they mean them, not because it's simply "proper manners", otherwise the words lose their meaning.

I'm not saying we shouldn't teach children about things like gratitude or respect, I'm saying that teaching them to say "please" and "thank you" like mindless little robots does not actually make them any more grateful for things. If anything it has the opposite effect.

I'm saying, teach by example, not by attempting to program them to have set responses to things. That's what manners basically are: the (supposedly) proper things to do and say to express gratitude or respect. But how is it real expression if they are forced to do it?

I have a problem with adults who think that kids owe them gratitude. This relates to the ice cream scenario. These kids just want their ice cream! Lol. And that is the great thing about children. They are uninhibited. If the workers had a problem with it, they are the ones with issues. Yeah, the kids could be taught to say thank you or whatever but most mature adults don't actually require thank yous from children, lol.

I'm glad plenty of others here are agreeing with me.

Anyway, I've always wondered what you're supposed to do when you are given a gift you simply don't like.

You can say thank you, express gratitude for them making an effort and tell them it's the thought that counts, but there's no saving a gift you consider useless and you can't simply force yourself to like something you don't.

And, like L-Holmes says, it'll only cause issues for you in the future.

Besides, most of the gifts from my family/friends aside from my mother are lazy cheap rubbish anyway.

I don't mean to sound entitled or ungrateful, but I can't say I should be grateful they 'at least made the effort' to get me something when it's clearly a cheap $2 gift from the shops they probably just quickly bought last-minute while out on their weekly grocery shopping anyway.

That's just not something to be grateful for - they've clearly put no effort into it and did it just out of obligation rather than out of genuinely.

So they didn't even make any sort of real effort, and it's not even 'the thought that counts' because they didn't do it with good intentions in mind, they just did it out of obligation.

I'm not one of those people to complain they got 'clothes' for their birthday rather than say a video game. In fact I'd LOVE clothes over a $2.00 greeting card ANYDAY.

And before anyone tells me I should be grateful someone at least spent $2 on me, how about I get you $2 worth of erasers for your next birthday?

This is such an aspie thing. We like things and interactions to be for a specific purpose or have some logic behind them, but NTs have this strange gift giving thing I don't think I'll ever understand.

I don't understand why people buy rubbish and cards for people out of sense of obligation. The amount of times I've heard people sigh and say: "I have to get such and such a gift for x special occasion" (as though it's a burden).

I hate cards with just, "happy birthday" or "get well soon" or whatever greeting, written in them. It's not environmentally friendly. If you give me a card, write something meaningful in it or don't give me it. I do give cards, but I try not to just reiterate name of the occassion and sign my name on it. I do try and write something that means something.

I prefer to give someone a gift spontaneously when I see something that I think they will genuinely like. For example I've seen something my Dad will like, I was telling a friend that I am saving up to buy it and he asked, "what's the occassion?" I was like, what? Why should there be an occassion? I just think Dad will like this thing.

But, we can't assume to know the intention of the giver. We don't know if it was given out of blind obligation or if they really did believe we would love this stupid trinket they bought. I think it's always better to assume their intentions were good and show appreciation.

I genuinely think that some people need to constantly do things to prove that they love you. It's how their brains work. Even if it's silly little gifts or constantly saying, "I love you" at the end of every phone call. My friend always ends her phonecalls to her kids with, "I love you" and she always says it. It sounds perfunctory to me and grates on me. I only say things like that when actually moved to say it. But I think that it is important to her.

Just because we don't think like that doesn't mean that their stupid gift or action isn't meaningful to them. Our logical rejection may seem logical to us, but to them it's a smack in the face. We are not rejecting their gift, we are rejecting their love.

I never was into cards, buying or getting one. Then I met my NT wife.
I now enjoy getting them from her and others.

I also get her cards spontaneously and the regular / expected times which I had previously rejected.

I also right spontaneous things on post it notes and leave them around the house

For our anniversary I got flowers the week before. We were both surprised the lasted almost 4 weeks.
Sometimes the best manners and hRdest is not to narrate everything as it comes to my mind.

Sincerely and Sewiously yours
me