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A rabbi was giving an advanced lecture to two of his top Yeshiva students. Suddenly, the roof of their classroom is torn off by a mighty wind, and through a blinding light they hear an angel's booming voice say to the rabbi, "BECAUSE OF YOUR RIGHTEOUS LIFE, GOD HAS DECIDED TO BESTOW UPON YOU ONE OF THREE BLESSINGS: INFINITE POWER, INFINITE WEALTH, OR INFINITE WISDOM!! !" In a state of semi-shock, the Rabbi stammered, "I-I'm a Rabbi; I-I've been a scholar of the Torah my whole adult life. I-I-I guess I should choose wisdom."

BOOM!! !

HUGE explosion, and the roof of the classroom returns it its place.

His students, staring in awe, all lean forward, as a glow slowly dissipates from their teacher's head. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, one of them builds up the nerve to ask, "Rabbi... say something!!"
The rabbi turns his head slowly toward the student.
"I should have taken the money."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ
as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Thank you and goodnight

Every day, William would go to church and pray to win the lottery. And every week, when the lottery numbers were drawn, who didn't win? That's right, William!

Finally, one day, William had had enough. He rushed to his church, fell to his knees before the altar, and screamed to the cross, "I have been faithful! I have followed Your commandments! Why have I never won the lottery?!?"

There came a loud rumble. A shaft of light speared down upon William, and a deep voice boomed out, "Willy my son, meet me halfway on this one - buy a damn ticket!"