Quote:
Baptist Jokes
There are three truths in life:
Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex?
They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.
Two hundred Southern Baptists were stranded on Treasure Island in
Disneyland Sunday night. They refused to take the ferry.
Now the Southern Baptists are boycotting `The Flintstones'. They
absolutely refuse to have a gay ol' time.
How many of Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.
A Fundamentalist Baptist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted,
finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice,
when they were alone in the Church.
"Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.
"Right here on the floor!" he panted.
"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"
"Good Lord, girl! Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted.
"If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop!
don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said,"Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or
baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god,
or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter.
As they went from cloud to cloud they came to various doors which
St. Peter would open. One showed a large group rolling on the floor
and talking in tongues. "Our Pentecostals" he said..
Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion" he replied.
Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics".
At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his
forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed
past.. Once past, the man asked what that was all about !?
"Those are the Baptists", he explained. "They think they are the
only one's here".
The pastor of a poor Baptist church passed away and the congregation
went into town to take up a collection for the funeral.
"Would you give $5 to bury the Baptist preacher?"
"Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two of them."
A woman called on the Baptist minister and asked him if he would preach
a funeral for her dog who had just died.
"I can't do that, ma'am," he said. "Why don't you try the Presbytarian
minister?"
"All right," she said, "but can you give me some advice. How much
should I pay him - three hundred dollars or four hundred dollars?"
"Hold on," he said, "I didn't know your dog was Baptist!"
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store
and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"
"There are three types," replies the clerk, "The Catholic
type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which
one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in
them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic
type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up
the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole
hills."
Christian Bondage and Domination Store
In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should
"submit to their husbands," we have acquired an inventory of
beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the
righteous ways of wife domination:
Starter kit: leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The
masks are clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the
forehead area.
Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity: Three brass nipple clamps held
together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the
masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit"
clamp.
Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants: This "cheekless" design allows full
access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent,
kneeling position.
Wrath of God: a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion
chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have
strayed (e.g. thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no
regard for the damage this causes the family).
The Rack of St. Stephen: Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined
wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the
St. Paul variant.
The Archangel: Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and
length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg
forgiveness.
The Judas Wand: A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes
then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than
ever on her Master.
Riding Crop of the Pharacies: Teach your wife the ways of the Lord
with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
Anointment: a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and
frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin
or allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson
regarding the ways of Sodom.
04 Feb 2012, 10:56 pm
