To what extent are you responsible for other's feelings?

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People feel what they feel. However Good Manners compels me not to anger, insult or humiliate other people. That is just Bad Behavior.

The only person's feelings that I'm responsible for are my own. I do not go out of my way to offend, behave badly, or otherwise 'hurt' the feelings of others unless it becomes apparent that they are treating me like a fool, or attempting to offend me, or otherwise take advantage of me. If my actions or beliefs 'hurt you feelings' then I'm sorry, it's not generally on intentional but do not expect to go out of my way to accomodate your feelings. -- OTOH, if one is attemting to treat me like a fool, or otherwise take advantage of me, or simply be a prick to me, fair is fair.

I would agree with this generally. Good Manners are good to have.

However some people are entirely too easy to insult. So it doesn't rise to the level of compulsion, just intent. Like Fogman says up there: I don't go out of my way to offend. Sometimes I feel like I'm going out of my way to avoid offending.

However if this causes other people to treat me like a doormat and take advantage of me and treat me like a fool and act like pricks, Good Manners have already been tossed out the window--by them, not me--and I will treat them as they treat me rather than as I want to be treated. I realize that isn't turning the other cheek and maybe I should. But I don't see the point in continually trying to accommodate the feelings of people who are going to trample you at the first sign of "weakness," which is how some seem to view gentleness and kindness and politeness.

Treat others as you would have them treat you--it's a great rule, really. Trouble is, I've come to the conclusion that the way I want to be treated is actually quite different from the way most neurotypicals want to be treated.

The other side of things is some people use offense to shut down debate, like subject too sensitive to talk about.

They humour you but when it involves soemthing they don't want to hear they are either direct offended or find something to be offended about, in order to avoid the issue. Yet they are not personally obliged to respond, they just don't like the idea of it being discussed by anyone. So they use the tactic of "insensitive" ad hominem.

Those people are annoying.
I ignore their tactics.

See, this method of--I can only call it manipulative conversational tactics makes very little sense to me. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I respond to what's said to me with the thing that makes the most sense in my own mind. I'm not usually looking for a specific response in the other person or people I'm talking to, I'm just honestly stating whatever thought their words brought to my mind. I think about how to put the words together in the right order, and which of the words in my vocabulary are the best fit for what I'm trying to say, but I don't consider how the other person will react to my words. When I do I often guess wrong.

The idea of trying to "steer" the conversation in a certain direction according to what I want--I don't think I could do it if I tried. Other people are too unpredictable. When I offend people, I rarely understand why they are offended by what I said, at least right away. Sometimes after several hours of turning it over and around and inside out in my head, I can figure out why someone's feelings were hurt by what I said. Sometimes I realize right away that what I said was ill-considered and came across as insulting or rude, and I usually feel pretty bad about saying something stupid like that. Sometimes I just can't figure out what was wrong with what I said and why that person got upset. But knowing before I say it? No, that pretty much *never* happens. And I definitely am not trying to fish for a certain response, unless I am directly asking someone to do something--in which case I want them to actually do what I actually said, not try to infer what I really meant. I never understand why people think I'm trying to imply something other than what I'm saying, except when I use sarcasm. And when I use sarcasm, I have a dripping-with-sarcasm tone of voice so I expect them to pick up on that! Most of them do. But it doesn't always work the other way 'round, because lots of people I know say sarcastic things without the deliberately obvious sarcasm inflection.

It is manipulative, however it is uncertain if they think it through at least until they realise it can work.

I think some people also have a strong aversion to things beyond their control that they don't like.

I think that's just human? Who would like that?

I'd like to know who on this website is responsible for my feelings, so that I can petition the mods to have that person banned for life for failing to be a responsible member and bolster my feelings when I get snarky and start saying bad things in my posts.

Even us mean old grouches need a little compassion now and then ...

I'm not responsible for your feelings, however I will attempt to bolster them:

You aren't particularly old or mean. Sometimes you are grouchy

People just can't always appreciate the magnitude of your awesomeness. If we were able to gaze upon your face and witness the true power of your awesomeness, our faces might melt off like those of the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And then we'd look like this:

That's how awesome you are.

Also do not treat others in a way that you would not want to be treated.

Actually even this has backfired on me.





Forgive me if you didn't mean that to be amusing but I'm hoping you did because I found it snarkastically hilarious.