Denied entry at the pearly gates

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I am 39 years old male with Aspergers. Both my parents are Atheists, and I was raised as such, with no belief in God or indoctrination at churches or otherwise. I always considered that God was a possibility though.

A few years ago, (before I had a diagnosis of Aspergers), I had the following experience. Its a long read, but for any other troubled souls out their with similar problems in life (such as those with Aspergers as well) I think it is a worthy read.

"I few weeks ago I had a powerful experience. I wouldn’t call it a dream. I needed to write it down so I can remember the full intensity of the experience. Also to be able to reflect upon it, both now and in the future.
It has taken me sometime to get it all down; I have laboured to get every moment, every feeling, every thought that I had during it down on these pages- there was a lot to it. It’s taken upwards of three weeks to get it all down completely. The experience started with a prayer to God I made the night previous. The prayer was; “To show me a path out of my dilemma, and to show me how I got to be where I am now.” I went to sleep that night and then I found myself in a familiar room from my past. I found myself in a spectacular room packed with Christmas presents, Christmas ornaments, and a Christmas tree. All unique in the fact that they were all composed of the same colours; black and silver. It was beautiful. It was breathtaking. It was simply astounding to be in the room.
I have a memory of being in that room, long, long ago, possibly even prior to my birth into this world. I remember being in the room and playing with many other children there, all of whom were equally astounded to be there. After playing for a while in this room the adults there began to give away Christmas presents to all of the children. I received my FIRST Christmas present there. I watched, as the other children opened their boxes and they received all kinds of toys, exquisite clothing and other gifts that were extraordinary to be sure, but I chose to wait till the end of the presentations to get my box towards the last. At my turn to receive a gift, what I found inside my box was a small floating glowing crystal.
The adults there asked me if I wanted it. I remember looking at it with intense curiosity. It shone brightly in silver, and then would fade to black- but even then when it was completely black, you could still discern that it was a beautiful crystal. Then after awhile it would lighten, it would become black for a while and then it would become somewhat silver, and then fade back some then again silver and then again black. Sometimes completely black and sometimes brightly silver. Some of the other children had received this type of crystal, as well, in their first Christmas presents. All of the crystals were similar, but each shone and faded at different intervals and for different periods of time. I examined some of the other lucky children’s crystals, some shone brightly silver most of the time, others would shine and then fade at regular intervals, others were erratic- shining and fading at seemingly random intervals. All were beautiful and all looked extremely fragile. All of the other kids who had not received a crystal were jealous of what the lucky children had received. It was like they had not passed some type of a test of character and they were not yet ready for this type of a gift. Again, the adults there in the room with me expressed some doubt, and asked me if I wanted my present? Again I looked and compared my crystal with what the other lucky children had, my crystal with this second look seemed somehow defective. My crystal had long periods where it would be completely dark, several periods where it would be between dark and light, and very short periods where it would shine brighter than any of the other crystals. Then it occurred to me that this wasn’t a defective crystal at all, but in fact, a unique crystal that was completely different from any of the others that I had seen. I said yes- I wanted my present, and this present, this present of this oddly glowing and fading crystal was actually the gift of a life in this world. I got my life out of it. The other lucky children got their lives out of their crystals as well, each life different from the next.
This time, now, that I was in the room, everything was the same except there were no other children here. I was equally astounded to be in this meticulously decorated room and yet, I had a sense that I didn’t want any of it. That it was just a memory from long ago, and that having matured to middle age- I didn’t want any of it anymore. It was like the passing of a stage. How many of the other children had settled for the shiny wrappers and the electric thrills, ornamental clothing and toys, and I, like a few other lucky ones, had waited till the last and received the most precious gift of all- a life, and now I didn’t want mine anymore!
And from here I felt I had passed a stage into another room up above the room I had been in. I was lifted up on a strange device that swung me back and forth, gradually upwards towards this other room further up above. This next room was an empty schoolroom, barren and empty except for a freshly shiny-waxed floor and a man in what appeared to be a security guard uniform. Several windowpanes let in a brilliant white light from outside that shone brilliantly on the freshly waxed floor. I was as a young adult here- where I had been as a child in the previous room down below. It was an unusual feeling because although I felt older than the child that I had been in the previous room, I was still younger that I actually am in my waking life? I took a quick glance out the window- it appeared to be a brilliantly beautiful day outside; this glance was enough to raise the eyebrows of the security officer. I then passed into yet another room.
In the next room I met a man, whom I felt I’ve known before, and he asked me “How my life had been?” I replied to him “It had been strange.” The man just shook his head in acknowledgement and we continued on. In this room there was a Janitor mopping the floor. I felt a sense of absolute calm-, which is very, very unusual, as I always have feelings of anxiety dragging me down whenever I’m awake and alert. I felt the man mopping the floor was in himself a metaphor for all of those who have contributed to me being where I was today. Of the men and women who had sacrificed and persevered for me to have the opportunities that I have today; such as the janitors who washed the floors of the school, when I was a schoolchild. I also felt a great sense of integrity in this janitor; he had a radiance of accomplishment about him. To some extent I felt in him some anguish and disappointment that I had not done anything constructive with the life I had been given. And despite this feeling, I felt completely calm.
I walked along to the next room, which was significantly larger than the previous room, and we immediately came upon others working in the room. In this room, the man I was walking with showed me several men milking male goats for sperm with a bizarre and repulsive machine, and the man asked me quite frankly “Don’t you want to know what there doing, and why?” My response was ‘that there is a time and a season for everything’, (from Ecclesiastes), it must serve some purpose for someone; somewhere at some time-I expressed to him that this is something fundamental to my outlook and to my belief system. He acknowledged this, and then he asked me IF I wanted to look closer at what they were doing? But my reply was that I found what they were doing was unpleasant, and obscene and that I didn’t want any part of it. He asked again. I took a glance over; the men would grab the goats by the throat and lift them up into the air while the machine tore away towards their abdomens mechanically like it was about to rotor-till a garden. As I looked on I was immediately disgusted and repulsed by what I had seen, I looked away. I then said firmly to the man that I didn’t want to know what they were doing and why? And I didn’t care what they did so long as I was not involved with it. I then felt that this was a metaphor for the sins of my life, particularly of the sin of buying and watching pornography, and of contributing to a culture of the degradation of women. It then occurred to me that the money I had spent in my life on pornography- WAS the reason that these men were doing these degrading things. That I was the reason why they were doing what they were doing, and that all of this obscenity was of my fault, and of my doing, for my purposes. I then felt that in the real world these things I have contributed to have real consequences, for real people- even if I wasn’t aware of them! With that insight it gave me passage into the next room.
We then passed into a lunchroom that was vacant except for a few women working tending to and putting away, what appeared to be coats and jackets. For a moment I felt I recognised some of these women, and for a moment, I felt the mood of the man I was walking with improve and lighten up. The man then departed for a moment leaving me alone with one of the women who was working tidying up. The woman asked me how I had been. ‘I said my life had been really tough and I was having an impossibly hard time coping with the stresses I had to live with.’ Other women then entered the room and proceeded to help the woman with her work. I tried to grapple with the feelings that this person with whom I was just talking too was someone I knew very dearly and someone I was very close with at some point before. Yet I couldn’t fully remember who she was? The man then returned and we continued walking on.
In the next room, it was a kindergarten classroom from the school where I went to when I was a child. The man then asked me what I had done for charitable causes in my lifetime. I told him other than giving occasional gifts in kind or in donating my computer time to scientific research programs; my resources were fully committed to my actual expenses. He again shook his head in acknowledgement. There were several people there, in this room, men and women working on strange machines. Which is odd because as an adult I could not identify what these machines were or what they were accomplishing? The man then told me firmly; ‘things have changed since you have last been here, we do things differently here now.’ I felt strongly that this was a suggestion that this is a place from the afterlife (or the beforelife) where I have been before; and things have changed markedly there since I have left. Then the man asked me a strange question; he asked me ‘if I had ever been murdered before?’ I replied, perfectly calmly, that other than a few suicide attempts in this life the answer was a definite no. Then the man and in fact, everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and looked at me. The strange machines they were working on were silenced. Then suddenly I felt the presence of hundreds of other people in the room. Each one of them looking ghostly, with faceless heads and torsos- yet real people none the less, wearing only what appeared to be pale green sheets. Then, despite being absolutely calm, I felt a sense of foreboding... would the end of my life be as a murder victim?? I then wondered if I had answered the question honestly- have I ever been murdered before in a previous life? Have I actually ever lived other lives before that I can no longer remember, previous lives ones to the one I’m currently living?
Suddenly, there were more people in the room than there could possibly be inside the room given its size and dimensions. I felt all these people here had contributed to my life in someway; at sometime and at someplace and that these were their spirits in the afterlife. The spirits of the doctors who had developed the immunizations that had kept me healthy and alive, of the teachers who had educated me, of the soldiers who had died fighting in wars for the freedom I enjoyed, and of the farmers who had grown the food that I had eaten, and, in fact, of everybody who had ever been there for me in some aspect at some time, but only of the spirits of the ones who had since died. I then felt that I had some kind of an obligation to live up to, that all of these people had contributed to me in some way. I then knew if it wasn’t for their efforts I wouldn’t have been where I am now. I knew then that my life would have been far, far worse off if not for their efforts. But again, I also felt perfectly calm, and then I had a profound insight, I felt as if I had the singular ability to stand on the shoulders of all of these men and women from my past, and that I have an opportunity to accomplish something in my life after all, using the opportunities that they have provided me as a platform base to work from! This was one of the most empowering feelings I have ever known in my life.
There was something I needed to do in order to cross out of this last room and to go outside- into the actual afterlife. The man then said to me ‘Is it time for us to go outside?’ the man then started to walk me to the door. My last comment to the man was to ask him if I could have a candy before we went. This is reminiscent of the candies, which would be handed out at the end of the day in kindergarten class to the children who had behaved the best that day. Even though I thought this was humorous comment and that I was in earnest, the man shook his head in disgust and disappointment that I did not understand and that I could not interpret the metaphor of this last room. (Of what the machines were and of what they, and the people who were working with them were accomplishing, and of why all these thousands of spirits were watching me). Then the experience ended. I didn’t get the candy that I had requested; I didn’t pass this test of character of this room that I had been in. I wouldn’t get to leave this final room until at some later point in my life that I could pass this test, and that I could make the conceptual leap that I needed to make in order to move forward.
Then I awoke that morning, very early, way before I usually get up- I discarded all the porn videos I owned, and deleted the porn links on my computer- I won’t need, and I don’t want them anymore. This was a lesson learned. A rebuke accepted. Still, although, some temptation remains as I still have a sex drive, but I now understand why pornography is such a bad thing, that in the end real people are being hurt and degraded by it. Although I repented my sins, my body still requires some type of sexual pleasure and stimulation for the balance of my life. I am not sure how this conflict between knowing what is wrong and my body’s physical needs will play out in the longer run?
I felt, and still do feel that this experience was the actual answer to my prayer of the night before. The record has been set straight; I now know where I stand. I am in a place in my life where my crystal is completely black, and yet where I can still discern that my life is still that of a precious jewel- having the potential to once again shine brightly as it did before.
To know that I knowingly and willingly accepted this life as a gift, knowing that it would have long periods of darkness, punctuated by periods of great joy and light. Also for me to have received the knowledge; that my gift was unique, and different from all the other gifts that had been received. This was in itself an answer to some of the grief of my life. This was an answer to the despair expressed in the pages of my journal, of why I was so different than everyone else, of why my life had been so unique and different and stranger than anybody else’s. The answer to why I have walked the path less travelled. I had known this life would be different at the onset; this shouldn’t have been a surprise! In the days that have followed, with these insights, I have received during this experience; they were now, in my waking life, having a real positive effect - like a heavy weight is beginning to be lifted from my heart and soul. Knowing that this life, the way it is- IS actually what I had wanted at the onset! This is the life that I had willing accepted and joyfully embraced and it was still functioning just like what had been revealed to me prior to my acceptance of it!
Now I become aware of a real sense of doubt in myself. Why didn’t I want my crystal anymore? The black periods were of something that I had willingly agreed to, an important part of an exquisite contract that would, in the end, give me a unique experience and perspective that I had so much desired. I then felt that I should fall back and embrace this precious gift yet again; to accept the dark periods as a price for the periods of time where my life experiences would again shine brightly silver once more. I entered this experience with the sense that I was ready to die, that my life had nothing left remaining for me, and now at the end of this experience I have come to the realization that there is both a set of obligations to fulfill and of potential opportunities remaining within myself to realize new things.
Some seemingly contradictory puzzles still remain for me though. Why do the crystals when they shine so brightly in silver, shine only in silver? Why is there always a dark filament covering the whiter light beneath? Why is the darkness not fully lifted at these apparent times of joy? What was the insight of that last room that I was not yet mature enough to see?? From an alert and awake perspective- the machines in that room were doing nothing. The people working on them were a paradox in themselves, as they were accomplishing nothing, yet they still toiled away intently at these odd machines? Also of the countless thousands, who were watching me at the last, staring at me- why did they remain silent and not give instructions on what they wanted me to accomplish? What is the expressed metaphor of being in this school from my childhood that I was walking through? Precisely the school I have written about in my ‘Shadow of the keys’- entries? Also, although I was completely calm through this entire experience- I had not been at peace with myself. At the end of this experience I also felt a powerful, yet extremely brief sense of dread, as the man was casting some type of doubt about me, and I felt his intent stares upon me. Was it that I was still unwilling to let go of my life here at the end, when he was walking me to the door? What was it that I was failing to comprehend?
With the insights I have been led to discover I can begin what will likely be a long process of healing, now that the despair and bitterness that I have lived with for so many years is finally beginning to be lifted off. I have now been allowed to know the truth of my situation. In a period of total darkness, in this time of personal isolation, depression, loss and of despair, God has heard my prayer and responded, a friend- at a time where I thought I was completely alone and where I felt that I suffered alone in the darkness; he was there for me.
This experience that I have just described, was like trying to explain myself, and the deeds of my life, to Gabriel standing with his ledger at the gates of Heaven, and yet here I am still fully alive?"

I hope this helps someone, somewhere with their problems in life. I am still struggling with the insights I gained from this experience, any feedback would be helpful. Thank you for readiing!

Whatever works for you.

does the story really have to be in bold

my take on your dream, for whatever it's worth to you, repent-

the crystal you were handed was the metareality of the spiritual life path, as opposed to the coarser worldly life paths the other spectral "children" received. the alternating lightness and darkness are periods in your incarnation in which you are to receive spiritual and karmic wisdom and periods in which to digest or assimilate this information. the dark filaments you saw obscuring the brighter silver regions in the crystal [representing the inner higher metaverse of spirit, i.e., higher levels of heaven, as opposed to the darker, outer and lower-level universe which is the physical realm] are simply limits on your spiritual development, and your spiritual vision will see you past these limits when you have advanced in wisdom, compassion and overall spiritual development.

the various "classrooms" you ascended through, were stages of your development in this incarnation, and through the windows you saw the bright world of heaven, outside the school, the place which is your eternal home and to which you will return periodically between incarnations in schoolhouse earth. the janitors you encountered were aspects of your higher spiritual self, the part of your essense which is closer to god. the section with the goat-molesting was an imperfect part of your self you have some doubts about, for whatever reasons. with another person it might have been sociopathic misconduct and not pornography, IOW there are much worse sins than servicing your bodily lust. pornography is just about as old as mankind, and is just partners with lust, in the earthly expedient for perpetuating the human race.
in the next room you were in the area of your life most recent, where your waking consciousness was introduced to metaphysical concepts, beginning with your own reincarnation into this present lifetime which is an introduction to the spiritually ascended path- IOW you are now ready for higher truths. the thing which prevented you from graduating from this lifetime now [the last classroom you entered], ahead of schedule, is that it is not your time yet. you have not yet learnt selflessness, hence when you asked for a candy treat for yourself rather than for dispensation for another struggling spirit, you demonstrated to your higher self that you still need more classroom time in schoolhouse earth to learn that all spirits are brothers under god. that is the insight of the final room. the machines and workers you saw were emblematic of the hard work of spiritual ascension, expressed in a more literal way so you will get a concrete picture of the work you have to do. the "countless thousands" were mute because your spirit already knows what it must accomplish before recess. your dread was the inner knowledge that you have much more to learn and much more work still to do, before your time on earth is over. this refers to future incarnations. you are just beginning on your graduate-level classes on earth.
your crystal is presently black because you have been given a summing-up estimation of your life to this point, and you have to go through the truths you received to find the path forward. when you are ready for another lesson, your crystal will shine brightly silver again, but if you dwell upon this future event, you will find your crystal stays dark longer, as the longer you put off your hard work of digesting your present lesson, the farther off in the future the next illumination will be. so consider that this day is the first day of the rest of your time on earth, and so make the most of it in terms of being the person you wish others would be to yourself.

i hope this was helpful for you.

Repent, learn to use paragraphs.

I can't be bothered reading such a huge block of text. So I didn't.

A pearly gated community? topic

Repent, maybe you could expand this into some sort of sci-fi piece. it is quite interesting. Auntie's comments could also be useful in the story.

This 'Experience' was one of the most real things I have ever felt in life. More real than my kitchen table.

As I mentioned, I was raised an athiest, I learned about evolution, physics, natural selection, ect, and I had no formal indoctornation with religion of any kind.

If anything, this experience was a secular NDE. (I have sleep apnea and it could very well have been a NDE).

The very fact that I was raised an atheist, and now I have a firm belief in both the existance of god and an afterlife is evidence to the power of the experience I had that day.

No science fiction here- I'm dead serious with this post.

I know you are being serious Repent; however, if you look at the other topics in this forum you will find that few of them are, and of those that are intended to be serious, few of them are taken seriously. The atheists here are not going to believe it, as you may have already seen and the strident ones haven't even chimed in yet; the more you tell them it was real, the more they will mock you. I suggest you ignore them.

For my part, I believe you; I would guess it was something in-between a dream and a NDE. If it was an answer to a prayer and knowledge and understanding given to you by God, it was meant for you and there may not be much the rest of us can do to help you.

Nobelcynic: Being mocked is something I'm used to as a person with Aspergers syndrome. I don't care if anyone believes this or not, my point in making this post was to help others who are troubled in life.

Thank you for your kind words.

LKL: Yes you are right I did believe in God prior to this experience even though I was raised by atheists.

I had an earlier experience before this one. Hesitating to raise a few more eyebrows of skepticism, it went as follows:

I was reading a book at home in bed with my fiancee sleeping beside me on the bed. I was planning on leaving her because she had a very serious gambling problem.

Just then when fully awake and alert the walls of the room, the very fabric of space-time folded inwards and embraced me. I was lifted up out of my body into a higher plane of existance, like an infant being lifted out of a cradle by its adult parents.

It was an amazing experience, it felt like everything I knew was doubled, then doubled again, and doubled again, in fact, 100,000 doublings to the point that I had the vantage point of God. I knew instantly at that point that their was a god, and as soon as I had reached God's vantage point God said to me "What is wrong with her?"

From this viewpoint at this higher plane of existance I looked back down towards my bed. I saw the empty shell of my body, (for I was not there I was with God), and I saw the shell of my fiancee's body, hers, however was filled with a being of perfect white light and love. From this perspective I said to God, "Their's nothing wrong with her", then as fast as it had begun it was over.

I was reduced back down to my former self. 100,000 halvings, and replaced into the shell of my body. With the knowledge I had gained that; 'Their's nothing wrong with her' I married her shortly thereafter. We're still married now 14 years later.

No I'm not crazy, I'm not schizophrenic and I've never used any type of hallicuigenic drugs. This was also real. It was more of an experience being reduced one hundred thousand fold back to my normal self. That was an eye opener, to be made aware of just how small I am in comparisome to the totality of what exists in the universe!

skafather84:

No it wasn't religion. I only believe what I see first hand. All the Jesus, Mohammad, Budda stuff et al is bunk as far as I am concerned. If you can't believe what you see and experience first hand what can you believe???

Also, I am not, and I will not be trying to convert anyone to anything. I am merely sharing experiences from my specific (small) life, and if that helps someone great, if not, oh well I tried.

auntblabby:

Your reply gave me some new real insights to issues I've been trying to reconsile with myself for several years. (This first experience I listed here happened in 2006).

Thank you all!

I'm not trying to sound mean but that was TL;DR.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEz6OaUaP7Y[/youtube]

This song fits the thread perfectly...