Politics and Life Betrayal

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I imagine there are many who cannot or find it very difficult to identify with me. Have you been wondering how I think? Here are all of the answers you could ever want.

If it had not been for the loneliness I feel, which motivates me to create thought, and for the fear of obscurity that I have, which motivates me to take action on that thought, I would never have created volumes upon volumes of work for the people of the world who take interest in my pursuits to multiply. I would never had led such a thoughtful life, and now only at the age of seventeen, had I not faced such adversity and introversion.

I am a very different man than most my age. As a result of being at a loss for people to interact with, I have had to dialogue with myself in my mind; day in and day out, to come to the various conclusions I have come to in economics, politics and psychology. I have come to bear the worst of human fears; an epoch of loneliness, my life has been. In my time spent in my own mind, I have learned much about myself.

I take pleasure in knowing that my deprivation of socialization for large and lengthy periods of my life has caused me to place great significance in any person who could come to know me, spend time with me and value me. However, the value that I place in people is often too great. I am often plagued by the loss of what few friends I've gained over the years and even new ones whose presence I rely on for my own social well-being. I become enamored with a specific individual and need their presence; their thoughts; their attention and their love. My understandable and reasonable want for any kind of attention boils over into becoming an annoyance, and an oddity to the people I need.

It started with Shawna Norton. For nearly six years, every day, she would almost encompass the entirety of my thoughts. Our encounters were short-lived; in the hallway or in band. I recall one day in seventh grade she'd asked me "How was band, Robbie?"; "Good", I answered. "Good"; that was all I could say. I never was one known for talking, not coherently of course. I was either over-attentive or not attentive enough back then... after nearly six years, Shawna would begin to find me creepy. After the ninth grade, my feelings for her waned. Yet, if only she would come back to me; be my friend, like the good old days in fourth grade; when none of us had any aims beyond the dismissal bell.

Then, there were a few more people whom I would come to be, for lack of a more accurate term, obsessed, with. And with each passionate love I held for the five individuals I had ever really loved, I held out some sort of hope that they would have the same, stifling, relentless embrace as I. I did not understand their minds; the minds of others.

The incalculable value I place upon people, I think, is what may one day drive me to madness. Until a few days ago, I held an inexorable feeling of love and compassion for a young woman who'd spent much time with me in this year, who I'd met at the end of last year. Her personality seemed so similar to mine, and her connection with animals largely attracted me. And then there was her aesthetics. Her face and her eyes; the stereotypical cliches that need not be mentioned. I can only surmise that the incalculable value I place in people, which I placed also in her, is compensation for the affection and socialization I did not receive from others for much of my life. I had only, a few days ago, come to meet the, for me, tragic end to my blooming love. Once again, someone whom I'd relied on, has moved on. Once again, I am alone.

I was recently told by a friend not to hold my heart to one person; there are other people, of course; I know this fact. However, there is only one of each person. Someone may dress, think, look and act exactly the same as someone else, they may even be cloned from them; but in truth, there is only one of that person. My over-compensatory feelings for people who may not value me as much as I value them may one day be my undoing. I have chosen not to dwell on these negative feelings any longer, as they will surely become a detriment to my health. But do know, that these people for whom I feel immeasurable love, I would die to protect, and live in solitude to be theirs. But choosing to live in solitude if my love is unrequited does not bring forth desirable results. It does not bring forth any results.

Fortunately, I have had a high tolerance for solitude. However, it took me a very long time to realize something. The people whom I value, do not value me as I value them. And so, in the face of this revelation as I've known it for many years, I have become a more and more introverted individual. I have turned to my keyboard, as many a man past have turned to their typewriters; their parchment and quill-pen, and I wrote. I wrote of politics, of economics and of psychology. I have devoted myself to studying the minds of others; to gain an understanding of that which I so desperately lacked in my youth. "I am a man who stands above other men"; that notion has filled my head, driven me, been my burning desire. I have realized that all men are not created equal. There are those who are more capable than others at doing physical activities, something at which I'm not very good. There are some who are more capable than others at thinking, something at which I excel. In certain areas of mathematics and economics, I thrive. In understanding human psychology too, I'd like to think that I excel. I also excel at writing, I have been told. Twice falsely accused of plagiarism in grade-school and suspected of it in high-school, I have learned the stigma which my abilities, and the general abilities the select few in a population of normalcy hold. I cannot use my normal vocabulary in speech because it offends other people; makes them feel as if I'm attempting to act superior.

Even when I put my best manners forward, I am unable to garner a position of attractiveness in the world. To some, I am caring and knowledgeable. To others, I am an unsolvable puzzle; and to others, I am merely a robot incapable of normality.

Through social adversity, renewed hope and abandonment, I have survived. As I had begun to see the real emptiness of my life, I had discovered that I had found a reason for being. That reason became my newly found purpose in life; I was to rebuild the system known as the State. “I alone am the heir to the logic which can unite humanity, and overtake the world. I am the progenitor of solution.” That is how I would like to see myself. I have been interested in politics for a very long while now. I have been observing events both foreign and domestic, which are of concern to the future of our nation. I have oft thought: "What if I were in that position? What would I do? How would I deal with Iran? North Korea? Or our illegal immigrant and refugee crisis at home?" I don't pretend to know the answers to these questions. There is no cure-all elixir which will cure society's ills. There is only the power of the human mind and the rigor of the human will to push it forth and solve our most pressing issues that keep us going.

I am indeed a man who stands above other men. And other men stand above me. We all have our own unique qualities. We are thrown into existence proficient in some fields, and deficient in others. But we all have our niche; it's simply a matter of finding it. For me, I see my niche as being the decider; the leader; the one who takes responsibility for the actions of others, and guides the actions of others for the welfare of all. I see no reasoning to the contrary. If I am unfit to lead, I will be proven so by my elimination. If not, then I will assume the leadership of my political party to be, whose end predicament I hope to be the future I envision for the United States; with myself at the helm, and my countrymen and women in front of me, we can recreate our nation to the glory of our Founding Fathers, and to the glory of us all. But don’t be fooled; I am not trying to appear arrogant. I have been told by others that my ego, large as it is, is a turnoff. I suppose my overly-large ego was developed as overcompensation for the loneliness I had had in life; but it will not get the best of me now.