Good news for Christians

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I have some good news for all you Reality Distortion Specialists. I was in a good mood today, so I instructed God to kick your arses less severely when you enter Heaven for your eternal purgatory. Unsurprisingly, he eagerly acquiesced. He has been begging me for years for permission to lessen your punishment, but I have just been ignoring him until today.

But I warn you, if I hear any indignant muttering, ingratitude for my leniency, or praying for me, then I will instruct God to restore the arse kicking back to how it was! Acceptable responses include "Hallelujah!" and "Praise be to emp!".

Emp hostility gets you nowhere, you're wasting your time here. Why not do something more productive and help those less fortunate then yourself... instead of tossing out snide remarks anonymously on an internet forum. You should know that you cannot force people to change, they must want to do it themselves.

People believe in traditional gods despite it being illogical because the technology to enable human beings to live forever and without scarcity of resources doesnt' exist yet, that and human beings as an entire race simply believe out of the emotional comfort it brings to them as a coping mechanism for dealing with the hard problems of life, and the ugly facts of misfortunate and death. The fundamental reason people believe in god is because of the rewards it promises, notice how religions that don't offer rewards of some kind simply died out of existence.

If a god promises you a kick in the butt instead of eternal life and happyness you can bet your bean no one would follow it. Religion was designed to control people and keep society functioning in times past, it's an evolutionary survival mechanism that has outlived its usefulness but expecting the world to evolve for you or jeering at those who believe gets you nowhere. People have to change because they come to the realization that what they believe is false on their own.

Next is historical and cultural heritage from parents passing it onto their kids, go back in time and the majority of people in north america were some flavour of christian or some other religion. Lastly the technology and science of origins has only been around a mere 100 or so years, it'd be foolish to think all people will just suddenly believe the new origins dogma over dogma's centuries old. Not only that but not believing adds no inherent value to their life, while being in a religious community with other like minded people does. Most peoples belief in god or religion goes far beyond the myths in their sacred texts.

That does it! I specifically warned you about this! I have now instructed God to cancel the lessening of the punishment. You just ruined it for all Christians! You just could not control yourself!


I was not expecting my message to achieve anything useful. It was just for amusement purposes. Nevertheless, your reply is pretty good, I like it, mostly. My compliments to you.

Hey, dude...I'll admit that this is funny, and believe me I'm far from pro-Christian, but...there's a point where it just becomes trolling. That Satanist bit was wonderful satire, but this seems like it was made just to piss people off more than anything...and granted, sometimes such responses can be even more amusing than what sparked them, but...well, I figure it's one thing when you're using offensive satire and parody to say something or to be hilarious on its own accord, and another when you're using it just to laugh at how pissed off other people get because of it.

Veresae -- I concede that this was somewhat below my usual standards. Nevertheless, the thread has already generated some value (Mordy's intelligent commentary).

Wasn't it established in an entirely different thread that this sort of thing is like shooting fish in a barrel?

I need to start an Agnostic/Existential thread so I can get both the Christians AND the Athiests after me.

Pissing off absolutely everyone is a sure sign that you're onto the truth!! !! !! !!

Agnostics are alright, it is difficult to criticise them or find fault with them. Where Christians think "I believe it is true", Agnostics think "I believe it MIGHT be true". You cannot really say someone is insane just for thinking that something MIGHT be true.

I am not an agnostic, and obviously not religious, but I am not an atheistic either. I am "most-likeliest", that is I believe whatever is most likely to be true in my opinion (based on rational thought and evaluation), keeping in mind that what is most likely to be true might change if I obtain more information, evidence, etc in the future. Gods most likely do not exist.

To: emp

You are way to full of it. I believe You may need some one to pray for You in the end.

I think a lot of you are taking what he's saying too seriously.
I mean, come on, it's just some lame attempt at humor on emp's part.
Anyone with common sense knows how to ignore that type of silliness.

What good will prayer do??

To Emp:

"Reality Distortion Specialists"

You are, your doing what your saying others do. I've known Christians that would help anyone, kindred spirits who never forced there relgion on others. Your distortion of beliefs to suit your humor is just your way of getting attention and stiring it for fun for fools like yourself.

I've got an idea, get a life and stop harrassing people becuase they think differently.

In other words, instead of intagonizing the innocent for your duranged need to piss the hell out of people, go pick your nose and put your finger in your arse.

ass burgers.

How do you like it?

Are you speaking from experience here??

Making petty of what is petty, you standing up for the stinch?

It was meant to be sarcastic.