My existential crisis

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How do you reconcile the view you have of the world with the view everyone else has? I feel like every day up until I accepted that I had this disorder I was constantly second guessing myself, but now I have basically a concrete source telling me that I always actually WAS that far off from everyone else. Do I accept that the world is what everyone has made it and acquiese to its subconscious attempts to trap me inside myself? Or do I assume that the miasma going on in my head all the time is once in a while spitting out useful information that other people can't see? Is there a happy medium somewhere? Is it the way I perceieve, and not what I've so far perceived? I didn't sleep at all last night; I took two full doses of Nyquil and woke up with that weird Nyquil woozy but awake feeling, and it kind of stuck with me throughout the day. At lunchtime I went up to the second floor of the library and spent about half an hour gazing out the window at the students below. I watched them collect up at the entrance and disperse, weaving their way up the walk between people going the opposite direction with no specific organization. Who records their footstep patterns? Doesn't that matter? If it doesn't matter than why am I always paying attention to stuff like that? Why is it there to pay attention to? This stuff goes on all the time everywhere you can think throughout the day and it has such a beauty to it, and for all I know I'm the first person to ever sit up there and watch that. By the time I got to my Algebra class I was nursing a tension headache and spent the entire two hours letting my brain hynotize itself to the sound of mathematical gibberish. And it frustrates me that I have to pay to spend two hours a day listening to the sound of her chalk echo and restate everything she says that I couldn't comprehend. I could swear I've learned more from that piece of chalk so far; today I was so engrossed by the correspondence of her chalk and her voice that I started twitching for some reason. It sounds stupid when I look at that on the screen right now, but at the time it made perfect sense. I should learn to speak chalk.

So I'm at an impasse. What is significant? Is it all in the social sphere? Is significance all of those friendships and relationships that I might have had whose space I can feel in my dreams and daydreams? Is significance not having them? Would they have been significant if I had them? Is significance all of the ideas and visions I have in my head or the fact that I'm not able to express them? And then I start thinking of all the things I would have done if I had just been given the opportunity and if the playing field had been level and if I hadn't been blindsided at every turn by the ineffibly selfish, weak, and decorated people that surround me at every corridor in life. And then I think that it wouldn't have BEEN SIGNIFICANT if the playing field had been level because I WOULDN'T HAVE MADE A STATEMENT by playing the field the way I played it, even though I have no idea what that statement might be. It just seems disrespectful to think that I lived these 20 years the way i did, in a constant state of simeltaneous confusion, enthusiasm, curiosity, misery, and determination, and that no one anywhere learned anything from that (least of all me). What determines who I am? Is it the fact that I could never do anything or that fact that I tried to do everything? I am frustrated, not only with the situation but with my inability to express it. I'm sure alot of you have thought similar things and know exactly how I feel in not being able to come even close to expressing my ideas.

It might be a good idea to buy a few books and read up on existential and spiritual/personal philosophy. They may not have any answers for you, but they can help you form your own.
As for what is "significant"; Significance is a artificial concept. In the universe a supa-nova that swallows a galaxy is no more significant than 2 tiny pebbles colliding in space. Events do not have properties like "significance" until we give them those properties. In this way what ever we feel is significant: is significant because anyone can apply that property to an event.
In every day life people usually justify significance. They ask "Why is it significant?". There are millions of answers to this question and something can be significant to different people for different reasons.
Your other questions are very broad and I am not sure what you are really asking.

Existential angst and Robotussin are a deadly combination.(speaking from experience).We create meaning or give others the authority to create meaning for us.(most NT's?)I am not sure I grasp your full existential delima but can project my own years of stuggle.I decided to not only "be"
an existentialist but to be fully aware that it was my "choice".When I worship something or someone....I acknowledge that I do so for my own enjoyment.I do not think we can know the full meaning of "things" we can not know the what ifs because there are to many variables to consider and to many personal biases to overcome.We are the scientist who alters an experiment by trying to measure it....(who decides what to measure and what not to bother measuring or what experiments to even attempt.)We simply have neither the capacity to understand or the absolute objectivity to know that we know.....thats why some choice the "leap of faith" and others the leap off a tall building(I tried both and am an inch shorter,but not much wiser, for all my efforts).

I wish you luck in your voyage.Try not to skull f%^& yourself to much....it hurts.I have dropped the philosophy,religion,hero worship and set some very basic "truths" for myself.The rest of life is learning,petting the cats and paying the rent.

Yeah, sorry, I know that didn't make any sense, I was really tired when I wrote it. My main problem is that I don't know at this point what I can accomplish, and what I need to be able to accomplish to make all this BS worthwhile. I've only just realized my aspergers so I still have alot of pondering to do. Thanks for your responses though.

I have studied many philosophies both religious and secular. In the end I find it best to awake, do what needs to be done, if time remains rest a bit or do something that I would want to do, then sleep again.

i basically dont care about soceity, and try not to be too concerd about if i fit in anymore. its just too much uneeded work on my part. i try to live my life the way that feels right for me

I've been there, friend. Religion was my tormentor. I found out about AS after going throught the crisis (shedding) of faith. But I won't deal with that, as you're having enough of a rough time already...

Everyone has this problem to some extent. It is a problem for everyone except the purely fictional "Joe Normal". You sound like you just got "sane" stamped on your forehead by a licensed practitioner. That was a relief when it happened to me. I was happy for days.


You seem to be asking a question regarding the nature of knowledge. I would first decide on whether I trust reason, or sense experience. And there is a happy medium. But no one but you can determine what it is for you. This is a subtle and vital question. But I think the fact that you feel the need to ask about the validity of your observation should lend credibility to the idea that you see things that others do not. Many very bright people have changed the world because they were aware of that information. Even though it may grate on their minds and threaten to drive them mad.
"Life is only a outer layer, for reality is only realized by the insane."
- Valleix Herard, In Fear


Asking if a physical feature of the Universe matters is an ill-posed question. But because you said:

I would be inclined to say that it matters to you. And this is all that matters. There are many scientists who have described their field of interest the way you just did: Beautiful. A field of mathematics that united the sciences only happened because people thought it was beautiful. And they were looking at the same common place things that you are.


Haha!! I love aspie humor.... Are you good at math?


Good question. I wish there were a human being in all of recorded history that had an answer. Until we have answers for ethics and the meaning of life, I choose to be good to people on the assumption that they would be so to me. Often times, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But for someone who can't read minds, be careful. It may also get you taken advantage of in many ways. Fortunately, people are predictable to some extent, and the circumstances under which people take advantage of others is well-documented.


You're obviously a deep and emotional person, so you (like me some years ago) are in a hard bind, and your age, gender, and personal goals in life will play into the choice that you make. I saw my options as a spectrum with two extremes, the correct answer being someplace in the middle as guided by the factors above (and others):

• Choice A: Be reasonable and try to adapt to fit into the world. Since the world is predominantly social, you may be at a frightening disadvantage, and this should be recognized. This choice confers the benefits of companionship, sex, reproduction, and everything else that comes with having a "normal life" (if such a thing can be said to exist in the first place). It will be difficult. But I maintain that it is not impossible. I have adapted to life among the NT, and they seem to accept me. The extreme of this choice confers the risk of failure and social mediocrity. But this is no different from what an NT person experiences.
• Choice B: Be unreasonable and fight the current. Be yourself and don't ever look back. This confers the benefit of peace-with-self and a degree of knowledge that many adults never attain. You might even change the world and be remembered forever because of the unique perspective that your unique brain has forced on you. It carries the risks of social isolation, dying alone and childless, and never understood. It is a lonely life, but many like myself are content with it, preferring it over Choice A. But, you always have the people here who are likely to understand exactly what you are going through.

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
- George Bernard Shaw

I am grateful for the girlfriends I have had. They taught me much. But they always leave me. I chose closer to Choice B. I am at peace with this choice, but I will accept a relationship with the right girl, who I expect never to cross paths with.
I may very well regret this later in life.
Hedge your bets. Pick a direction.


Your memories are you. If you live in the Phoenix area, I will be your friend. Humans are social animals. We need other humans (in various degrees) in order to be happy. Don't give up on people yet. Despite the fact that they suck sometimes.


Do I detect regret of wasted life? Don't go that route. It's a dead end that sometimes leads to death. I've almost killed myself (as have many people on these forums), but conscious life will never come again. Treasure it.
You also can't blame people for kicking you around. I know this sounds dissatisfying, but many people are very unenlightened when it comes to treating other people in an ethical manner. I view the social world as a force of the Universe. Better off learning to work the system to your benefit. All within a system of applied ethics, of course.
"Art is a way of saying what it means to be alive, and the most salient feature of existence is the unthinkable odds against it. For every way that there is of being here, there are an infinity of ways of not being here. Historical accident snuffs out whole universes with every clock tick. Statistics declare us ridiculous. Thermodynamics prohibits us. Life, by any reasonable measure, is impossible, and my life—this, here, now—infinitely more so. Art is a way of saying, in the face of all that impossibility, just how worth celebrating it is to be able to say anything at all."
- Richard Powers, In Art


If you are only 20, than these are questions that many people (perhaps most people) ask themselves at this age. They are hard questions because nobody has satisfactory answers. Everyone must find his own answer, and this is how I believe an individual must earn his mortal soul. You have plenty of time to answer these things.

Obviously, it isn't totally you. After all, you didn't ask to be born. And you certainly didn't ask to be born with a PDD. Do you listen to music? I highly recommend 311. Their lyrics have helped me through some awful times. Notably Use of Time, Jupiter, Beyond the Gray Sky, Stealing Happy Hours, Life's Not A Race, Wake Your Mind Up, etc... Quality band...
"long time since we've first came here
and sometimes we fall on deaf ears
one thing i've got to say before sales die
stay positive and love your life"
-311 - Jupiter


I think I know exactly how you feel. I wrote extensively while I was in the philosophical limbo that you seem to be in. I don't want much of my writing posted publicly (at least not traceable), but since it might be of direct relevance to you, I will post some of it in the user content area if you think reading it will benefit you.

Good luck... Much sympathy. Things can be rough, but they aren't impossible.

Just wanted to say...I like your profile picture of an ostrich. It's very cute...

Thanks both of you. jspark 311, I mentioned in one of your other threads that 311 is from my hometown and I've seen them a couple times. Actually I first saw them when they were playing at a venue I was working at here in Denver and they blew me away.

What I've decided since then is that I'm through taking the idealistic approach - because that is really what's killing me. The problem is trying to fit your circular block into your friends' square hole; it makes you feel like a dumbass, and it's never going to fit anyway. And I mean this less about behavior and more about beliefs and reactions; screwing with your BIOS and destroying self identity and individuality.

Haha! Yeah, my mom liked it too.

311 is teh bomb.
I'm happy being me. I have a few NT friends that I'm very close to, and they seem to enjoy my differences.
Have you ever considered a career in the sciences? Tell us more. :)

I feel like I should be pointing out that it's actually an emu.

Yeah, science for sure.

[quote="maldoror"]I feel like I should be pointing out that it's actually an emu.

I think this Emu is so likable because his face has an expression that says how I often feel....

"what the heck are you staring at buddy?"Very sarcastic Emu.(Sorry for the anthropomorphizing)

No, you've got it dead on.

That is one expressive emu.

finally some 311 fans...i still listen to their early stuff and cd's they put out in the late 90's..not familiar with their last two cd's but some of their newer stuff like 'don't tread on me'

maldoror, May I ask what you are studying in school?

I kinda just accept that I'm different, and that the differences make "being the same as everyone else" impossible, and that's okay with me. The world is interesting because of the differences, not because of the similarities.



I love to discern patterns in what appears to be chaos; it is very interesting. I lack the mathematics to define the patterns, but I, too, spend hours (of course it doesn't feel like hours) watching people move. What I have decided is that there are patterns to everything that might not be apparent in the short term, but if you look at enough samples, you can see the ordered chaos. Recording footstep patterns matters if you want it to. Who cares what other people think? There is a beauty, and I love that you see it, too. It's great isn't it, like you see something no one else can see because they don't bother to look at it.

[quote="maldoror"I could swear I've learned more from that piece of chalk so far; today I was so engrossed by the correspondence of her chalk and her voice that I started twitching for some reason. It sounds stupid when I look at that on the screen right now, but at the time it made perfect sense.[/quote]

I hate chalk, but I also enjoy it because whether people hear it or not, you can tell so much about a person by how they use chalk (or other writing instruments, but chalk is easier because it is louder than a marker.) It is interesting.

[quote="maldoror"]I should learn to speak chalk.[/quote]

This is great!