Is God a stalker?

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Apparently if he is real and sees everything you do, it means he is stalking you, he watches you sleep go to the bathroom masturbate and have sex in short you have no privacy. Its pretty creepy if you think about it,you have an invisible bearded man watching you do private stuff and is telling you NO NO NO not till marriage and only missionary is allowed! Then he smites you and sends you to hell to burn for eternity for not satisfying his sadistic ways.

No, but Santa Claus is!

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good.
So be good for goodness sake!

Oh, you'd better watch out ...

No.

God is more like the paparazzi. And you're the celebrity.

When people talk about a sky-god that's Zeus/Jupiter. Somewhere along the line when Rome became Christian they couldn't relate to YHVH, weren't Jewish enough to make a religion of the Hebrew alphabet, so they made Zeus stop philandering and let him stand in. Drying up Zeus's sex life clearly didn't turn out so well, he's got a lot of time on his hands these days to get even with us for it and who knows - maybe that's what all the the hell, fire, and brimstone is about. If they'd just let him turn into a swan or a bull and seduce a few ladies we could get things back on track!

We did let him have his way with one Jewish girl, and even knock her up.

Well, that wasn't exactly a Jewish girl as much as the metaphor for Isis/Sophia/etc.. (hmmm....and three Maries under the cross....Diana, Selena, and Hecate?). The authors were at least nice enough to leave Zeus his piece rather than having it eaten by a fish and the immaculate conception happening through a golden straw. Think they knew coming at Zeus with a scalpel and suggesting they'd be commandeering his junk would have gone even worse than making him celibate. All this makes me wonder if Hera wasn't in on the joke somewhere...

Supposedly Christianity's the latest and greatest version of the primordial religion but, meh, somewhere along the line it got too popular, got political, and with the number of applicants went the weighted average IQ. Perhaps the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, if there is such a character, was convincing the world that only men of the old testament could validly check things out for themselves - anytime past that you need a priest to tell you what it's about because prophecy's a closed book.