“Greeters, as it says in James 2:3b “...show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, 'Here's a good seat for you,' but say to the poor man, 'you stand there or sit on the floor by my feet', we have to make sure we're treating the important people with preference. Now, here are the mass produced pamphlets you need to hand out with customer service smiles. Remember, introversion is a sin, extroversion is righteousness; you have to get out of your comfort zone to reel in the dollars for our Church!” says Pastor Pleasempty Urpockets.
Worship starts with a song:
“Now it is time to sing,
now it is time to sing;
almost like we are chanting,
almost like we are chanting!
Now it is time to clap,
now it is to clap,
like a trained seal,
like a trained seal!
We will lift up our hands,
we will lift up our hands;
we surrender our wallets,
we surrender our wallets!
And now we'll say we bow down,
and now we'll say we bow down;
even though nobody's bowing,
we're not even bowing!
And now we'll say we're dancing,
and now we'll say we're dancing;
even though nobody's dancing,
we're not even dancing!
Here we mention God for the first time,
we just mentioned God for the first time;
we hope nobody's offended,
please don't go home with your money!
Repeat 50,000 times,
repeat 50,000 times!”
And now time to collect the offering:
Pastor Pleasempty Urpockets says, “Let's turn to Malachi chapter 3. In verse 6 it says, 'I the Lord do not change' so this passage that follows is still valid for today and we can freely ignore the last chapter which condemns divorce – besides, 'there is no condemnation for those who are in Church' it later says, so you can do whatever you want as long as you come to my church and pay me as it says to do later on in this chapter which you can read in your free time if you feel like it. For now though, let us open our wallets unto God as we pass the collection plate. Worship Leader Lucy, cue the hymn from the 1800's for the old fogies who miss better days.”
“Lucy, crank up the volume and let the endorphins of the Lord flow through our systems so that we may draw nearer to God as we devote our money to God” says Pastor Pleasempty Urpockets.
The hymn plays on as the plate is passed. After a few more non-offensive songs, the sermon begins.
From Pastor Nowaye Droneforever, “Today we talk about how the lost are precious to us but fellow churchians who believe only slightly differently from us are heretics who need to be cast out and excommunicated as the rival heathen that they are. Even if the lost are atheists or misotheists otherwise, they're nowhere near as bad as a churchian who thinks differently, who pretends to be able to read and understand the Bible without the help of our blessed and sanctimonious clergy who deserve your money for saving your souls. At least atheists who attend church are paying our bills. Just showing up without questioning doctrine and paying tithes and offerings makes you like family here. Family can get away with anything, say or do anything, and they’re still family just because they’re related by blood. Consider how it is at workplaces: if you’re related to the owner, you don’t even have to work in order to get paid; you can sit around in your office all day, eat, drink, and be merry, it doesn’t matter so long as you’re family. But if you aren’t related, you’re a stranger and you’re only good for doing work. You have to walk on eggshells or you’re fired. But if you’re family, you can make all the mistakes you want and it never matters. If you’re a stranger and you make a mistake though, then you’ll be thrown out with the rest of the trash and thought nothing more of ever. Churchians who would disagree with our particular dogma on any detail are like wolves among us seeking to steal away our precious money from your wallets and away from our Building Fund. Speaking of which, the greeters seem to be done counting the money you paid today. Oh, this is good, you've done a good job today; now let us say thanks unto the Lord for giving us His Word that we may use it to leech money off of you....
Now, let us gather together at the restaurants and freely treat the waiters and waitresses who are working on the Lord’s Day, Sunday, like the trash they are. Besides, they only make minimum wage, they aren’t valuable in the least even if they did attend our Holy Assembly.”
16 Apr 2016, 9:36 am
