Post a Religion-centered Joke! {Resurrected!}

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An atheist is taking a hike through the woods. He is so overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the forest around that he sits down to rest. Suddenly, a big bear is rushing after the atheist in front. The bear rears up and raises its right front paw to kill the atheist. The atheist yells, "Oh my God!" Everything freezes and the voice of God says, "You've been denying My presense all these years & you have been teaching people to deny My presense as well. So why should I help you?" The atheist says, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask of You to treat me like a Catholic. So why can't You make the bear a Catholic?" God says in reply, "Very well." Everything goes back to normal and the bear withdraws its paw & kneels on the grass and speaks, "Bless me O Lord for I was about to sin."

Why can't jesus eat M&M's?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands
Did you hear about the muslim who died fighting in battle?
He threw the pin and bit the grenade
Why did the jew watch the porno in rewind?
He wanted to see the prostitute give the money back

A priest, a rapist, and a pedophile walk into a bar.

And that's just the first guy.

I think this is a good thread, we can make jokes about religion without getting offended, that is a big step in people learning to be less light-hearted and commune together and we can all laugh at ourselves...... It's all in joking humor. I have no problems with anyone's beliefs, but I think it's good when we can laugh about them together...... And if someone wants to get over-sensitive about it think about this, why if there were a good god, would god mind people making light-hearted jokes about him that are not even meant to be taken seriously, while thousands of people are dying of war and diseases and hunger and stuff?
Once people work beyond that division and can come together to laugh with one another without being offended, that is a great step in people of all faiths coming together and coexisting.

Ok... this is an old one but still good.

Jesus was trying to convince people that he was the Son of God returned....

"prove it" they yelled

"Ok, do you want me to change water into wine", he said.

"No" they replied, you'll just put wine essence in it... ". "Jesus could walk on water... can you do that?"

"Of course" said Jesus. So he walks to the end of the pier and falls splash! into the water.

He drags himself out to be met with jeers from the crowd.

Angrily he says, "well, what do you expect ! ! I've got holes in my feet!"

A teacher who was telling her class about whales explained that even though a whale is a very large creature, it is unable to swallow large amounts of food for its size, and is unable to swallow a person whole. A little girl piped up "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale!" The teacher told her that was just a story, and that it is scientifically impossible for humans to be swallowed up by whales.

The girl says, "When I go to heaven I'm going to ask Jonah if he really was swallowed by a whale."
"What if Jonah went to hell?" the teacher asked. The girl replied, "Then you can ask him."

A priest takes a group of children camping in the woods on a religious retreat. They walk into the woods at night to set up camp. One of the kids says "father, I'm sacred". The priest replies 'how do you think I feel I have to walk out of here alone tonight".

What do you get when you cross a Jehovoah Witness and a Quaker?

Someone who knocks on your door, but then doesn't say anything when you answer it.

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troop are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.

Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"

Lawyer "Screw the children!"

Priest "Do you think there's time?"

4 rules of faith:

muslims don't recognize jews as god's chosen people.
jews don't recognize christ as savior.
protestants don't recognize the pope as the leader of christianity.
baptists don't recognize each other in hooters.

This joke is pretty long, but good.

A very long time ago, the Lord created the first animal, which was a cow. He then told the cow what kind of life she would have to live and for how long. "You will slave away in a hot, dry field all day long. I give you a lifespan of forty years." The cow said, "That's a pretty hard life to live for forty years. How about I give you back thirty years and keep ten for myself?"
"Very well." said the Lord, and after reducing the cow's lifespan to only ten years he sent her to Earth. The next animal he created was a monkey. He told the monkey" You will be spending your life performing silly tricks to entertain people around you. I give you a lifespan of forty years". The monkey said, "I have to spend forty years doing nothing but entertaining a bunch of people with silly tricks? How about I give you back twenty years and keep the other half for myself?"
"Alright then." said the Lord, and afterwards he sent the monkey to Earth. The next animal he created was a dog.
"You will spend your life sitting on a porch, growling, snapping and barking at anyone who walks by. I give you a lifespan of twenty-five years." He told the Dog. But sure enough, the dog said "I really don't want to live that long if that's all I get to do. I'll keep fifteen years and give you back ten."
The Lord was getting just a bit annoyed that none of these creatures wanted the years of life he had so generously given them, but he took off the ten years and sent the dog to Earth.
Finally, the last animal the Lord created was a human. He told the human, "You will run around happily, and play, and just enjoy your life to the fullest. I give you a lifespan of twenty years."
"I get to have a great life like that for only twenty years?" the human cried. "That's so unfair."
"I'll tell you what." the Lord said. "The other animals didn't want the extra years I offered them so I'll just give them to you. Then you will have a long life of 80 years."
The human thought that was a very good deal, so the lord gave him the extra years and sent him down to Earth.
And that is why, to this very day, that humans spend the first twenty years of their life running around happily, playing and enjoying life to the fullest, Then they spend the next thirty years slaving away in a hot dry field all day long, then the next twenty years they perform silly little tricks to entertain people, and finally they spend the last ten years of their life sitting on the porch, growling, snapping and barking at whoever walks by!

Two nuns are driving along when suddenly Dracula swoops down and lands on the front of their car.

The first nun is terrified.

"Quick" says the second nun, show him your cross!".

So the first nun winds down her window and shouts "Oy! Get off my bloody bonnet!"*


*bonnet=hood across the pond I believe

Three friends - a Catholic priest, a Hassidic rabbi, and a Baptist minister - went fishing one day.

After about an hour, the rabbi says "I'm thirsty", steps out of the boat, walks to the shore, buys some beer, walks back to the boat, and resumes fishing.

About an hour later, the minister says "I'm thirsty", steps out of the boat, walks to the shore, buys some beer, walks back to the boat, and resumes fishing.

The priest is dumbfounded. All of his life, he has been preaching about miracles such as these, yet he has never actually seen one being performed. So after reciting the Rosary a few times, he announces "I'm thirsty", steps out of the boat, and immediately finds himself flailing about in the water. His two friends drag him back into the boat, hand him a can of beer, and they all resume fishing.

The rabbi and the minister could hear their friend muttering to himself. One nudges the other and whispers ...

"Do you think we should have told him about the stepping-stones?"