Questions For Occultists

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Hi all.

I'm making this thread because there are some people in this world who truly believe that magic is real.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occult#Occultism

Are there any people here on Wrong Planet who truly believe in magic and spells? If so, I have some questions for y'all.

- When does a developing fetus gain the ability to use magic? Is it possible for a fetus to cast spells while still in the womb?
- When did ancestral hominids gain the ability to cast spells?
- Do any aliens cast spells? Is that why we haven't found them yet?
- Could I use magic to travel back in time and ride on a dinosaur?
- Is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser really magical? If so, does this mean that Mr. Clean is the Devil? If not, shouldn't Procter & Gamble be sued?
- Which of these is closest to real magic? Magic The Gathering, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokémon, or My Little Pony?
- Which is the best pony?
- Would I be kicked out of an occultist meeting if I used 20 Black Lotuses and 20 Plague Rats?
- If magic works, why don't they use it in hospitals?
- Why don't they use magic in the military?
- When Kim Il-sung was born, did the birds really sing in Korean? Did you guys do that?
- Do you seriously believe in occultism or are you just trolling the Abrahamic religions?
- I once tried to summon the soul of Billy Mays using a Satanic ritual. Why didn't he show up? He didn't even give me some OxiClean to clean the goat blood out of the carpet. Did I dial the wrong number?
- Are you a member of the Illuminati? If so, why do you hate America?
- Why didn't the victims of the Salem Witch Trials use their magic to escape?
- Could I use magic to make The Simpsons funny again?
- Is Satan gay? If so, how can demon spawn exist? Are they just adopted? Who is the mother?
- Satan is portrayed as a bad guy in Cuphead. Is this hate speech? Should StudioMDHR be sued?
- Who would win in a boxing match? Anton LaVey or L. Ron Hubbard?
- Could I use Magic to make my anime waifu real?
- How's the 8th grade going?
- Is meme magic real? Does this mean that Satan and Kek are the same bloke?
- Why do witches keep black cats? Shouldn't they keep Tasmanian Devils? How come there aren't any witches in Australia?
- Is magic a fifth fundamental force of nature? If so, what sub-atomic particle creates it? Will the power of the magic particle be enough to prevent the heat death of the universe?
- Could I use magic to make the earth disappear and kill everybody?
- How many spacial dimensions does the universe have? Could I use magic to travel across the fourth spacial dimension? Will I finally get to see a tesseract?
- Could I use math magic to create a triangle with two right angles?
- When are muggles going to receive affirmative action?
- If monsters exist, where are they? Do they work at Monsters Inc?

Note to Mods: Please don't delete this. I laughed my ass off while making this post.

Sure. I do.

If magic is real, why can't I make a laser come out of my magic wand and then use it as a lightsaber?

What sort of magic are you talking about? Are you talking about cutting women in half, or are you talking about that pseudo-religious hippie s**t that Grant Morrison believes in?

That pseudo-religious hippie s**t that Grant Morrison believes in, or at least sort of.

If Satanists have magical powers, why can't they use magic to lose their virginity?

Haven't tried Satanism so I couldn't tell you.

Well ... my biological father says that all Magic is Satanism ... which leads to global Illuminati communism or whatever.

That's why my mom divorced him.

f**k my life.

That would be hilarious if he was Catholic. The whole mass is a theurgy working with edible talismans.

Darth, these questions are easily answered, just sign up for my magic seminar at the introductory low price of 199$.

*payment expected up front, cash only, no checks no refunds. Aristophanes’ magic seminar is a division of Trump University, MAGA.

The Pentagon spent millions of dollars in the 1980s researching psychic remote viewing.

They concluded that it was a waste of money.

Alright. It's time for me to get serious now. I made this thread because I think that Satanism, occultism and new age woo are just as stupid as creationism. Why can't people just believe in science? Who do some people abandon Christianity ... and then reject science in a different way? That makes no sense to me.

Imagine if we lived in a new age dictatorship. The existence of Atlantis and Lemuria would be taught in schools, and the government would provide free detoxing.

TY for that clarifier. Your intentions were a bit hazy.


It's a self-referential constellation of relationships between facts ranging from partially, to mostly, out to almost completely, proven. It's not something you need to 'believe in' any more than 100 cents make a dollar.

Where I might risk saying something offensive - it doesn't make any claims to absolute knowledge. It's value rests in the relationships it can demonstrate and those claims extend about as far as the relationships can be walked out. Most of the other stuff, pop-atheism included, is just a pool of individual interpretations of what we have so far and what it means.


I can't reflect the same curiosity back because I've spent a lot of time thinking through all of the reasons why people who've read just enough about science or watched a few physics documentaries think they've figured out how the whole universe works. I'd say it's perfectly consistent with our apeishness in that sorting out the actual truth of things in most circles is way less important than finding a belief-clan to join, believing something you'll be praised for believing, and wielding their collective authority in unearned ways - which is really a phenomenal bargain!

What really amuses me is that people might take leaps of faith, either toward religion or fully-proven naive materialism, largely as practical matters of interpretation (ie. you can't function in day to day life without triaging a lot of nuance) but somewhere along the line those same people completely forget the leaps of faith they made for closing those gaps, they confuse it with complete knowledge or genius, and it becomes this bizarre trap where feeling great about what they think they know is much more important than whether or not what they know is even correct. It gets even more awkward when what they sloppily/inaccurately believe also happens to be a particularly popular or 'edgy' belief for the time! Whatever it is you believe, if you look that good believing it and could only look worse if you attacked the foundations of it and found it wanting - you're stuck!

The other part of course, if you actually find yourself to be the fortunate, or unfortunate, recipient of a visit from a god, goddess, or angel - you're kinda screwed. You can tell them 'Look what you just did! I had such a trendy belief system and then you just showed up and burned it all down for me!', they'd laugh and tell you walk it off because you've seen - there's very little hope for denial after that point.

Isn't demon summoning a form of slavery? I doubt that there are any labor unions in Hell, so demons are probably just enslaved by various fatass Satanist teens every day. That's a form of unpaid, forced labor. Those poor creatures. It must be especially bad for female demons who are summoned by horny teenage boys.

See? The more you think about occultism, the more stupid it seems.

Oh, that's real easy. Don't enslave, or pretend you're enslaving, demons. Problem solved.

Well, since you laughed your ass off writing this, I figure I should play along and help keep you entertained.

Around the same time a fetus gains the ability to play a piano; that is, after is born, mastered bodily movements like standing upright and walking, taken lessons, and practiced enough to become good at it.
Could a fetus cast a spell while still in the womb? It's like playing a piano; I guess you could have a prodigy who was so talented they could play the piano while still in the womb, but even Mozart didn't start playing around with keyboards until he was three-to-four years old, so I'm going say: probably not.


When they discovered the techniques for doing so. Kind of like when they gained the ability to make stone tools or work bronze — when they discovered it was possible and figured out how to do it.


Since we have yet to encounter any aliens, the answer is: we don't know. But, if aliens could play the piano, or do mathematics, or build bridges, there's no reason they couldn't also be able to cast spells.


First you'd have to figure out how to travel backwards in time. Once you've done that, you could use magic to facilitate the process. As for riding a dinosaur, that would be between you and the dinosaur; if you could convince the dinosaur to go along with it, yes, otherwise, probably not.


No, the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser isn't really magical, just like Panama hats aren't originally from Panama, and Kiwi Fruit isn't originally from New Zealand. It's a branding exercise.
However, even if the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser were magical, why would that mean Mr. Clean is the Devil? There's some missing steps in your reasoning there between the premise and the conclusion. I think you're conflating magic with religion.
Magic = the practitioner uses skill and knowledge to produce a desired change;
Religion = the practitioner petitions a higher power (demon, angel, god) to produce a desired change on their behalf.
Finally, even if Proctor & Gamble were selling magical objects and/or dealing with the Devil, why would they would they be sued? Divination is illegal in various US states, but as far as I know, making magical cleaning products, using magic to create cleaning products, or sub-contracing the manufacture of those cleaning products to the Devil (or other supernatural entity) isn't.


My Little Pony.


Shetland.


Only if that wasn't enough to share with all the other attendees.


Because once something goes into general use and is no longer hidden and mysterious, it's no longer occult, and so isn't called magic.

To be continued...

Last edited by Amaltheia on 07 Apr 2018, 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.