Tell me a joke.

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Q. what do you get if you cross a mormon and an atheist?

A. somebody who goes around knocking on doors for no reason.

post jokes below that cover the topics of Politics, Philosophy, and Religion. if you are easily offended and can't laugh at yourself, DONT READ THIS THREAD! infact if you are easily offended why are you in this section of the forum

please keep the vulgarity to a minimum. there is no reason to mention sexual organs or pedophilia etc. try hard extra hard to be funnier than that.

A Catholic Priest, Protestant vicar, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the collection from their weekly services. The Priest said, "I put it all in a heap and split it down the middle, then I choose one pile for me and one for God." The vicar said, "Well I split it exactly into two piles, one for the me and one for God." The Rabbi says, "No, no, no! You both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, "God, Take what you want!" Whatever comes back down is mine." "D

Why don't we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician's house?

Professional courtesy.

Q: If all the Preachers and all The Politicians in America fell in the Ocean who would God save?

A: America

At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.

A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”

A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”

A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”

The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”

The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”

This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.

thanks for that guys, i needed a laugh

I once heard this joke from the former president of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod:

A little boy, who happens to be the son of a Missouri Synod pastor, comes home from school one day, and tells his mother, "The teacher today asked us how big the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod is, and so I answered, five foot two."
His mother, mortified, asked, "How could you say that?"
The boy said, "Well, Dad's about six feet tall, right?"
His mother answered, "Yes."
Boy says, "Well, the other day, Dad came home and held his hand up to his neck and said, 'I've had it up to here with the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod.'"

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

definition of "a second wind": what a pastor gets when he says "and in conclusion"

A horse walks into a bar, the horse was a regular at this bar, and would usually get very drunk while there. So the bartender said, "Hey Horse, are you an alcoholic?"
The horse replied "I don't think I am" and just like that the horse disappeared. That's a philosophy joke because of Rene Descartes' famous principle I think therefore I am. I could have explained that before the joke so that it'd be on everyone's mind, but that would have been to put Descartes before the horse.

Suicide is no joke. It's to die for!

A priest is walking into the woods at night with a bunch of boys to go camping on a retreat. One of the boys says "I'm scared". The priest replies, "how do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone."

A priest had recently died and gone to Heaven, where he soon noticed that a New York City cab driver was getting much more positive attention from the Lord than he was. So the priest asked the Lord, "Why do do treat that cab driver so much better, when I spent my own life praising you and teaching people all about you?" The Lord answered, "And did those people always stay awake during your teachings?" The priest admitted, "No, there was nearly always at least one or two people who fell asleep" The Lord then told him, "Well, whenever that cab driver drove someone anywhere in his city, not only were they always wide awake, they were usually praying!"