Conservative Nobel Prizes We'd Like to See

Post Reply New Topic

Conservative Nobel Prizes We'd Like to See
Predictably, the conservative chattering class and its amen corner in the right-wing blogosphere are apoplectic about the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Al Gore. But their rage and angst about the Nobel Committee's "politicized awards" for "mass exaggerators" and "deceptive rhetoric" isn't merely a function of the inconvenient truth of the success of Gore's global warming campaign. No, the rugged individualists of the right are just hopping mad that they never win prizes designed to recognize contributions to, well, the rest of humanity.

To remedy this perpetual slight, here are Nobel prizes for conservatives we'd like to see:

Physics: George W. Bush. President Bush is awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics for his groundbreaking work on the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which declares that the entropy, randomness and chaos of the universe are ever increasing. The Bush Doctrine, with its three tenets of no safe havens for terrorists, preventive war and democracy promotion, has produced sectarian conflict and civil war in Iraq, Hamas control over Gaza, centrifugal forces in Lebanon and an Al Qaeda safe haven in Pakistan. Like global warming, Bush demonstrated that global chaos can be indeed caused by human action.

Literature: Lynne Cheney, Bill O'Reilly, Scooter Libby. The Nobel Committee split its prize for literature among three hard core conservatives whose works of soft core pornography provide a sharp contrast with the family values they espouse. Second Lady Lynne Cheney was recognized for her 1981 novel Sisters, a steamy tale of forbidden lesbian love in the Old West. O'Reilly's pre-falafel depiction of oral sex in his 1998 classic Those Who Trespass earned him honors, while Libby's haunting tale The Apprentice with its portrayal of child prostitution and bestiality in 19th century Japan impressed the judges.

Medicine: Dr. Bill Frist. The former Senate Majority Leader was recognized by the Committee for lifetime achievement in the teaching of medicine and medical ethics. Frist, who as a young man dissected adopted cats for fun and profit, famously offered a videotape misdiagnosis of Terri Schiavo on the Senate floor. Having briefly insisted that AIDS could be transmitted by tears, Frist also took both sides in the debate over stem cell research. But despite serving as a horrible example to future doctors everywhere, Frist finds his own career not in a permanent vegetative state, but as a front man for Save the Children's global campaign against childhood disease.

Economics: George W. Bush. The President captured an unprecedented second Nobel for his radical Universal Theory of Tax Cuts. Upon entering office in 2001, Bush described his massive tax cuts for the wealthy as the needed remedy for a burgeoning federal surplus. Just months later as the Bush recession deepened, tax cuts were needed to jumpstart the flagging American economy. Despite being responsible for virtually the entire annual U.S. federal budget deficit, Bush just this week claimed that the slowly shrinking deficit is attributable to his tax cuts. While denying that his unprecedented wealth transfer to the richest Americans is helping fuel the highest income inequality since the 1920's, Bush's research team next plans to test his hypothesis that tax cuts can cure erectile dysfunction.

Chemistry: Alberto Gonzales. The former Attorney General was awarded the Chemistry Prize for his revolutionary work refuting the claim that oil and water don't mix. During his tenure as White House Counsel and at the Justice Department, Gonzales demonstrated that torture is apparently both consistent with and encouraged by American law and the Geneva Convention. Gonzales also showed that repeatedly lying to Congress under oath is no barrier to service as the nation's highest law enforcement official. (His bedside manner during his 2004 visit to the hospitalized John Ashcroft almost earned him the prize for medicine as well.) His chemistry with President Bush wasn't too shabby, either.

Peace: Dick Cheney, Bill Kristol, Norman Podhoretz. Cheney, Kristol and Podhoretz shared the Nobel Peace Prize for their work demonstrating that absence (of peace) makes the heart grow fonder. From their PNAC collaboration on regime change in Iraq, their false claims in 2002 and 2003 about the threat from Saddam's weapons programs to their desired confrontation with Iran, the trio showed how much you can miss something when its gone. For their work unleashing the forces of war and conflict, the Committee greeted Cheney, Kristol and Podhoretz as liberators.

—Perrspective 10:51 AM Permalink

Why not add Rush Limbaugh (Nobel Prize for physics) for demonstrating, in the wake of his prescription drug scandal, that, indeed, objects of great mass can float.

i thought those awards were only ment to be given out to people who significantly greater the existance of the human race. why did al gore win it?

Perhaps because global warming has a good chance of making humanity extinct so preventing that might be considered a benefit, an opinion, considering human behavior, that might be considered controversial.

it was pretty much on the news

In 2007, Gore came under criticism from the conservative think tank Tennessee Center for Policy Research.[21] The organization issued a report which said that during August 2006 Gore's household consumed 22,619 kilowatt-hours — more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year.[22] TIME stated that the Tennessee Center for Policy Research claimed to have gotten "its figures from Nashville Electric Service. But company spokeswoman Laurie Parker said the utility never got a request from the policy center and never gave it any information." [23]

Drew Johnson, the president of the Tennessee Center for Policy Research, said in releasing the figures:

“ For someone in his position not to take steps to reduce his own energy consumption is disingenuous. As the spokesman of choice for the global warming movement, Al Gore has to be willing to walk (the) walk, not just talk the talk, when it comes to home energy use.[24] ”

In an earlier article in USA Today, Peter Schweizer argued that "according to public records, there is no evidence that Gore has signed up to use green energy in either of his large residences. When contacted Wednesday, Gore's office confirmed as much but said the Gores were looking into making the switch at both homes". [25]

i read the whole thing, al gores energy use isnt a urban legend. is he taking his horse to work? i dont think so. i thnk you like him so much because you live in oregon. let me guess portland?

Physics: Ann Coulter who proved that not everything as hard as a diamond is pretty.

Chemistry: Karl Rove, who proved you can't extinguish a Plame with watered facts.

Medicine: George Bush who had his brain eaten by amoebas and lived to run the country.

Economics: Donald Rumsfeld who got us into a war that did NOT boost the economy.

Literature: Rush Limbaugh who in one show managed to contradict himself 5 times in 30 minutes.

Peace: Donald Rumsfeld who got us into a war that is uniting muslim nations - against us.

Fields Medal (Mathematics): To Alberto Gonzales who proved that the Constitution is against the law and therefore unconstitutional.

And a special award to the White House kitchen staff who proved that Soylent Green is not people - that we can account for.

so, does this mean you are off the hook. . because Gore has capacity to be hypocritical then it just follows that there is no global warming and you can keep up doing what you are doing because it is all a hoax?


is this the rationale?

ok first of all lets get something streight here. al gore didnt discover global warming, didnt coin the term global warming, (that would have been nobel peace prize worthy, if HE actually discoverd it) but rather made a movie about it.. i dont have a problem with liberals, the only problem i have is with a washed up politician winning a award like the nobel peace prize. i mean give me a break. really, if hollywood wants to shower him with awards, thats fine but him winning the nobel prize is a joke