From The Language of Argument, the 2002 10th edition:
Quote:
Left-Handers (Those Sickos) Got No Reason to Live!
by Roger L. Guffey
If you ask me, the U.S. Supreme Court ruling concering certain sexual acts between consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes heralds a much welcome return to the right rather than an invasion of privacy and individual rights. To further this admirable goal of moving to the right, I want to encourage the Court now to go after one of the most despicable and un-American groups that threaten our great country today: left-handed people.
Ha, ha, you say. Most people do not realize how truly malevolent these subversive little perverts are. Look up the word "sinister" in the dictionary and you find two meanings: evil or left-handed. Still not convinced, eh? Historically, the U.S. government has fought leftists worldwide, so let's do it in this country before we take on those in Nicaragua. In this centruy, every other English speaking nation makes its citizens drive on the left (i.e. wrong) side of the road. If that doesn't prove how un-American left-handers are, I don't know what does.
Besides, left-handers are not normal. They are so unnatural that I can pick them out of a crowd a mile away. Our society has no use for their sick, twisted kind. Just think of all the things we have designed exclusively for the right-handers: scissors, shirt pockets, phone dials, wrist watches, ignition, toilet flush handles, books, etc. Have you ever seen a car with the ignition switch on the left side of the steering column? No, and you won't, because that's not the way God told Henry Ford to make them. You can even turn right against a red light, but if you try to make a left-handed turn against the light, you will find yourself going against society because it is not natural.
Oh, sure, the bleeding hearts will say that we need compassion for these sickos because they were born that way. Hogwash! it's a choice they make. If every mother would give her children a swift rap in the chops at the first sign of this filthy, disgusting left-handed behavior, this degenerate psychosis would vanish. Now, I am all for respecting everybody's rights to be different as long as I agree with what they are doing, but you have to draw the line somewhere. there won't be any left-handers in heaven, you can count on that.
The solution is not just social ostracism. We should all band together and pray fervently that God will strike these little perverts dead. Once this society returns to the moral character and justice that made this country great and prosecutes these deviant miscreants and genetic mistakes to the fullest extent of the law, everything wil be all right. Act now before all go out and buy left-handed bicycles. Take heart. God is on our side.
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"And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty. And beauty stayed his hand. And from that day on, he was as one dead."