A buddhist moment of epiphany

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WARNING: Very personal story, probably telling more than I probably should at times but then again I think you'll get the idea when you see where all this goes.





I just hd one of those moments, today, whereas some people are totally stricken with guilt or others just blame it on the next person I'm really glad it happened exactly the way it did.

Here's how it went. I had a typical day at work, had a bit of a bad ending in ways of course because some of the social problems were hitting home like they usually do when things are going from well to not so well to well and on and off like that.

When I got home one of my friends called me up and said he wanted to have a cookout down in the parks. He's always been a little eratic and off the hook but its never been any trouble to me in the past so I said sure. He ends up coming over with his 'babies mom' and they chilled here for a minute. Things seemed a little out of kilter, but with him as usual manageably out of kilter - he was sloshed drunk but as usual it was something that hasn't been a problem to me in the past and he's never done anything outlandingly stupid aside from being a little brash at times.

Well, we went to the store to get our stuff - hotdogs, buns, all that, and he was thinking about drinking a bit while we were there but then again he said he wanted to invite me just because I knew how to not be stupid or shady about things, its not exacly legal to drink in the park system but lots of people do it, it's not a problem when I'm with people who hold it down (and law enforcents really for the people who can't as I've always thought), again, just thought it was gonna be another day in the life.

Well, by the end of our little grocery trip I saw him walking toward the produce section by the door and I really thought he was just grabbing some stuff from there but he ended up standing by the lemons which confused me a little. Turned out his whole plan was grab the hotdog buns, grab the burger buns, grab a bottle of Southern Comfort and walk out the door. I figured at the time that whatever, he's responsible for his actions and it's not really my problem - I took what I had to the checkout and made my way to the door.

Next we had to drive up the highway to the city where I used to live, we remembered that we forgot charcoal and lighter fluid so we went to that other store. Well, the second we walked into the door we saw both the charcoal and lighter fluid right inbetween the sliding doors. He offered to five-finger it and this time I quickly grabbed up both, walked around to the self-pay area, had to wait on a cashier to come over because evidently charcoal and naptha are 18 and over items and the store is pennsylvania based. Well, whatever, at the same time he was trying to just convince me to let him do his thing and walk with it - I of course just ignored him, rather aggitated that he was being this respectful to me and his ex girlfriend (a bit of an admitted thief herself, new news to me as of today though, real interesting how you can know people for 6 years through partying and never once encounter this side of em). In the end I payed for what I thought we needed and he walked with ANOTHER bottle of SoCo.

Next we went to the gas station and then the park. He'd already at my house yelled at some kid who was jogging and told him that there was no point - that in 3 years he'd be drinking and doing drugs. He'd already cornered a kid on a moped on my sidewalk and badgered him into letting him borrow it at which me and his ex watched as he took about a 20 minute haidus from being anywhere in sight with it and we were really concerned about whether it would come back in on piece.

At the park we realized we had nothing to flip the burgers with and no plates - I should have thought of this but he'd called me about the idea for a cookout and been over within about 45 minutes and I was busy that whole time making tracks on my computer. While we were there he was going to other people in the park, getting plates off people, getting, a flipper from a guy who had a family there and seemed pretty generous but understood what was up with my buddy. The whole time we were tripping out about the fact that we were spraying naptha all over the coals while the food was on, pretty much burning it on the outside - barely even looked edible. During this time they were continuing to fight bit by bit and regardless of whether or not she left him for cheating on him it seemed that a lot of the things that brought her to it he not only wasn't learning from but was continuing to hide himself from in the liquor.

I didnt drink a drop at the park, a friend of his ex's was supposed to come over but completely got lost, and in the end his ex ended up leaving to meet her - partly because the whole grilling out was a disaster and partly because they were fighting too much. Before we got back to my place he borrowed my phone to talk to at least a few different girls he has as options, he was talking about some girl who wanted to hang out with him at 2:30 AM (he had to be at work at 6:00 AM but he does this religiously and I figured he could handle it).

When we got back to my place he got a call from his ex telling him that she was going to bring his daughter over - he was moved to tears and said it was the best thing he'd heard all day (intermitently trying to apologize for being an as*hole that he was crying or whatever). Her and her friend both came over, sat in the driveway, and I finally saw the daughter who's name was tattooed on his neck, very cute girl and I saw the fact (as well as he was pointing out a bit) that while she was reacting well to him she seemed like she just marginally knew him and prefered her mother.

Here's the first mistake that wasn't my own leniency - my room mate who has a new Sebring ended up giving him his car keys because he said he wanted to play a cd while we were out there and it turned out that it was an mp3 data disk - my car couldn't play it, his could. He ended up playing music most of the time while I helped him at least clean up like half the second SoCo bottle (technically that was wrong of me to drink of that stuff but at the time I was thinking whats done was done, he wanted me to drink with him, I just wanted to get on with the evening). The girls took a trip to McDonalds, some stupid little things happened that I probably won't mention but weren't that great on their own, and when they got back we chilled another half hour before the were talking in the car, he got in my roommates car, and before I knew it he wanted to go back to the grocery store. Another slip on my part, doing the stupid stuff that's been conditioned into me as an adaptation trait - better to just conform and let go than to actually butt heads with people when there's a problem. I Told myself that we'd just be going not even a quarter of a mile away and back. When we got the store we did what we did (I got my cigarettes I wanted, he 5 fingered a 2 Liter this time of Soco), got in the car, and at this point he wanted to go to a local bar. I was really pissed and I was trying to talk him out of it but he was already driving around the block. We passed it, saw there was no one there, and we went to the nearest gas station where he wanted to pick some things up. He got a bag of chips, at this point I wasn't really sure if he stole them or not but I didn't care as much as getting the car the hell back to the house. In the next half hour we probably spent at least 20 minuted randomly driving because he forgot what we were doing or camped out at stop signs because he wanted a cigarette, I said only when we got back to the house, and he wanted to haggle.

We finally got back to the house, his girlfriend and her friend where right there to confront him about what had happened, and I explained my case. His girlfriend's friend had been talking about how beatiful our house was when I was showing her some of the stuff we'd done with it and I ended up making a joke about a huge pile of weeds we had laying on the sidewalk which my friend (the house owner) had probably pulled almost a month ago and none of us had summoned the motivation to toss in the trash. Worst came to worst between the guy I was hanging with tonight, him and his ex, got into it, she was pointing out all his s**t and he was denying it, calling her crazy, and just drinking more. It ended up with her getting in the car, him spitting in her face, and her and her friend both getting in their cars and leaving. In a sense I kinda felt glad he felt like I was on his side because probably for the next hour or so I ended up lecturing him in my way about what they were trying to get through to him but were of course in his eyes in too much of an adversarial position to get across. I think he is going through a lot but unfortunately for him he just hasn't hit rock bottom or really felt the need to change.

The one thing he does have going for him is a decent paying 6-5 job at which he gets a lot of overtime. I ended up getting the same roommate he got the car from to take him back to his place and I promised I'd have a good talk with him about what happened tonight. When we got back and I finally had the chance to I found out that he found out the car was gone 15 minutes after we'd left, was ready to call the police and call his car in as stolen, and that the girls had convinced him to do otherwise. I explained my side but still felt horrified at how completely weak and flacid I'd been in terms of controlling the situation - there really is no good excuse but on the other hand its also true that I'd never been in this situation before on my own where I was the only one there to control things (usually other people have done the work and I was thankful just because, the way my AS effects me its extremely difficult to be effectively assertive at a lot of times unfortunately).

I ended up sitting downstairs about an hour ago, realizing that those 2 girls had pretty much saved my ass and his - probably partly because his ex still loves him on a level but also because they know that I have myself together for the most part and that I have a degree - I think they were looking out for me as well. Before when I'd been just lecturing him I felt like he needed help and I felt the need to get through to him (I know, a lot of you seeing this on the surface wonder why the heck I'd think that way - you know someone for 6 years and it's a little different).

Needless to say I felt terrible, partly because it was on me that the car even left the driveway, even if I was a bit drunk myself so f---ing what. At the same time though I look at how sheltered my life was as a kid, with my parents, the kind of candycoated ideology I was fed that whole time, and realize that I really am just 14 or 15 in th head in some ways - while I've matured a lot in some senses I've missed out on a lot of life experiences that most people have by 15 or 16 and I just wasn't one of those people who got the message on time. I'm not saying anything else to my roommate because he tends to be real cynical of verbal apologies (same roommate as in the friends post). I ended up cleaning the SoCo bottle up that he'd broken later on that night and on another tangent, remembering the conversation me and that girl had had, went and cleaned up those weeds that had been sitting on the sidewalk that had been sitting there for a month or so just because I felt compelled by the message of the whole situation. Yeah, I'm definitely a douchebag for allowing what happened tonight, I take full responsibility for that one and I"m probably not going to live this down for a long time.

The message of it all though: I'm really glad it happened to me now rather than working at a CPA firm cooking books because some partners breathing down my neck or on some forced dope deal because I got too tight with the wrong aquaintences of the group. I really hate the situation I"m in right now in the sense that our group of friends is such a morally mixed bag that telling up from down has gotten pretty difficult. What I'm really happy about is that if I was given one gift in life its this: at moments like this in my life I'm not the kind of person to go into denial or run from it - I face it for what it is and it changes my life for good in one way or another. I hope I don't have to learn all my lessons this way and I really hate to say it, whether it's all the confusion I"ve been through, all the perspective taking I've tried, or other things I'm not always the brightest person at the best of times. I really hope an incident like this won't have to reoccur for me to learn my next major life lesson. Still though, as I look back on tonight I don't think a message like this could have gotten through louder or clearer. Strangely I fell back on that talking to god stuff that I was raised as a christian to do, just because I feel like the only real point in talking to him (if he does exist) is when you have something to say or explain to him and just reaffirm that he knows that you get it (again, just covering the possibilities). From the buddhist angle though this has been just as important of a moral wakeup call - life is about learning and I caught a pretty serious crashcourse in something that, odds are, I'll probably need to be VERY much in touch with when I end up going into the professional world possibly in the next few months.

Wow, what a crazy night. I can't imagine being in those situations - yeah, I'm still living in a bubble I guess. It's good to hear you could at least take some lessons from it. You were lucky - I'm sure you realize how things could have ended up a lot worse in so many ways... In fact, maybe that's evidance that a higher power was behind it - there was enough to going on to get your attention but it didn't go past that point.

I can live with all the other aspie traits but that's one thing I've always really hated about myself. I often find myself wondering though, is it really that deep in my wiring? (Meaning that there's not much I can do about it. ) Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough? (Sound familiar?) It can be a problem at work when I have to deal with residents with behavioral issues... and it causes trouble in other areas of my life too of course...

I think with that last part you mentioned my biggest problem isn't the fact that I cant stick up for myself when its apparent and obvious to me that I should, the problem occurs in those gray areas where a lot of my NT friends would stand up and confront them when they only have half a case, where its really risky on whether or not it would solve anything, and where there's a real good chance that the person who they're getting after hasn't quite done enough wrong to actually feel like they have or understand it. My problem with AS is I'm so used to having to hold back on my own judgements of things, second guess whether my viewpoint is valid relative to other people and what they'd do, and the worst part is while its pretty easy to stick up for yourself when things are at that black and white point where it's obvious you have the right to it's much more difficult to have enough attitude and cockiness as well as all the right words, tone, backbone, etc. to argue people down when again you only have half a case on em. You know what I'm saying? People tend to see it as a sign of weakness when you can't stick up for yourself untill you have to and they're probably right - in our case its a sign of neurological weakness more though because odds are with only a few things to say there's a real good chance we could come off as the blatant a***holes to everyone around in that situation (which of course if your a high self-monitioring aspie that's your worst fear usually), that and the odds stuttering, going nowhere, and hardly making a good point because your under too much pressure right then and there and aren't a quick-draw with your words is another thing - stuttering out like that or just not having the speed in an arguement in a confrontation or arguement is a victory to them by your forfeit, the alternative leaves me looking passive and weak at a lot of other times and that makes me sick but at least right now there's not a heck of a lot I can do about it.

On the other hand with respect to this buddy I have a feeling we just won't be hanging out for a LONG time, I'm talking at least a couple years. Another thing too that makes me really shake my head is while he's not really doing well he's still got a lot of girls chasing him and has unknown to me been doing the grab and dash out of stores and been so blatantly obvious about it for so long that the fact that he's never been busted for it is also a major problem for him. Unlike me in that situation I think all those things I just mentioned are probably going to keep enabling him until he ends up back in the clink again - REALLY sucks to see that but I get the impression he's got a while to go before the world lets him hit rock bottom to where he might actually reflect on all this and catch an attitude readjustment.

Ive nothing valuable to add atm, just wanted you to know that ive read through the post and given it some thought.

When I was writing my last post the example I was thinking of was asserting myself when I'm in authority over someone else, just because that's the one I run into most often. But it's definitely true in a general sense too, not just that type of situation. And like you said, yeah, when things are black and white and it's something real obvious or it's a matter of enforcing a clearly established rule or whatever, I can do that. (I hate doing it, mostly because I don't like having other people's attention focused on me, but I can do it if I have to.) But anything that's not so black and white... like you said, second-guessing my own judgement, perceptions, etc is a big one because experience has proven that it needs to be second-guessed a lot of the time - my thinking can be that far off from NTs/normal. And of course the other hurdle is outward presentation. I've never had to deal with actual stuttering, but speed, finding the right things to say, and pushing the words over that internal wall to the outside are definitely problems, and there's also enough other signs of weakness to make any assertiveness I do attempt rather ineffective... Like I mentioned before it can be a problem at work, but for the most part I can avoid homes/residents where I'd be in that situation very often. I try to stick with the people with high medical needs instead. And when I start getting down about that and feeling inadequete, I try to remind myself that it's normal even for NTs - everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and a lot of people can't handle the jobs that I enjoy. The key is knowing yourself, and then using that knowledge effectively. (I know that doesn't really help you in your situation though, when it's friends you're dealing with.)

As for that guy you're talking about, it's sad to see, but some people really have to learn things the hard way. It's too bad though that society has been letting him get away with so much for so long, it just makes the lesson even harder to learn.

I can definitely relate to not being as assertive to other people. A friend of mine says that I should work on not just merely agreeing with what the other person says, but be willing to stand up for what I believe. I have the same problem as well, and it can be apparent when I'm babysitting my brothers (they can be very annoying; they barely obey me! lol) Anyways, it must have been a really crazy night. I'm only 17, but I too can understand living a different age in your mind; I'm probably about 14-15 in my mind, but I'm still maturing. Standing up for ourselves and handling difficult situations like those are hard for lots of us aspies; you're definitely not alone on that one.

WOW
That is certainly not something I expect in Politics (maybe in Haven)

Its strange, I almost never completely disagree although I always "negotiate"

I would like to clarify something that I found confusing, did he (the shoplifter) steal your car?

Thank you for reminding me why I stopped seeing someone who was an out of control drinker a long time ago.

Thank you for reminding me why I stopped seeing someone who was out of control drinking and stealing, many years ago. Some of the most exhausting years of my life.

Nah, I don't really see myself as a vulnerable or sensitive type of guy, used to be but that's besides the point. I think it goes more with the philosophy and religion edge like neongrl pointed out - its almost like something did just intercede on my part and kept me from ending up in a lot of trouble over this dude (that and like I said, looking at it from that angle it was more a post about my learning experience).




No, he kinda 'borrowed' my roommate's car with me in it - I mean its better that I was at least there to get him back to the house, I know it could have been a lot worse had I not been in the car with him, but still it really irritated me in that I ended up pretty much taking a share of the blame that it ended up on the street at all.

Well, that situation just got weirder. Around 7:00'ish I went to the liquor agency with my friends across the street. We ended up getting what we wanted to, getting plastered, and trying to keep up with my friend and his brother I probably had 5 or 6 shots of Jack Daniels and a whole bunch of Stoli's. Looks like my tolerance wasn't up - I ended up getting sick, passing out, and when I woke up there were like 3 or 4 other people over including the buddy I was mentioning before. When I came around I saw what was happening, they'd been borrowing my cellphone to call people of course with my consent until then. I guess he'd called, they answered, invited him over, and at least 4 or 5 people wanted to go no limit on him. When he saw I'd come to he ended up asking how I was doing, tried offering me some gum, a girl pal of his was there too.

Luckily I to his girl pal, she knew what was going on, and she got him out of there just as most of my friends were going outside to find him. A lot of my friends are kinda the opposit of me - they're fighters, have to restrain the hell out of themselves, and this situation as well as some other stuff gave em a great excuse to knock someone's teeth back (some of my friends are seriously soljahs, guys and girls alike, any sane person around here knows not to mess with em and there's a lot of history to go with that). They did have a vested interest, he had been talking smack, I know what goes around comes around that's all well and good but not on my watch and not when someone came over thinking they were there to hang with me.

So what are you gonna do now? Or what did you do about it?

Nothing, just did what I could last night. If they still wanna find him on their own time its on them.

All I know is right now I worry, not so much about this situation but where I'm living. This stuff isn't a total constant but if I end up getting a job that ends up doing security background checks and I have these kinds of friends it could put a real damper on my employability. I'd almost be tempted to move back out sometimes just for that reason and to put some distance on all this but at the same time my roommate who owns the house needs to rent too desperately and has no other person aside from me and the other guy living here who he can really trust .

Well, it's bad that he has no one trustworthy but you who can rent the house. But why does it need to be your personal problem? Just because you're the only one nice enough to rent it, it doesn't mean you should put everything else in your life on hold. You have goals, dreams, and a future. He's putting you in a difficult situation. As far an I'm concerned, it doesn't matter what he wants. As long as you're ending the lease legally, it only matter what you want. You need to look out for yourself; don't let your landlord's situation control your life.

I once had a situation similar to yours. I used to be friends with this guy, and one point, he developed a gambling problem, from using online Poker sites. He himself had no job or money in the bank (spent it all), and since I was the only one of his friends who had a job, he would always hassle me to lend him money; basically, to put money on his Poker account using my credit card. He would tell me things like: "You're the only one I know who works, and you're my best friend (BS), so I know I can depend on you." I kept saying no, over and over again. One day, he actually tried to steal my credit card number. That's when I knew I needed to kick him out of my life for good. So I told him: "Get out of my life, and don't ever contact me in any way. I don't want anything to do with you." He actually seemed upset when I told him this, and promised to never ask me for money again, but it was too late (for him, that is). I have not regretted my decision since.

If you noticed the similarity, you know what to do.

See, its not like that, in your case your dude was bad enough with his addiction that he was stealing from you or getting ready to at least and yeah - you HAVE to draw the line and if you really feel like it get em to addiction counseling. This friend actually lived with me at my parents place for a year and a half, was trustworthy, things were fine.

Something I'd add in this situation is the roommate who owns this house is out of state on some electrician/installation work, has me and the other roommate watching the house, and I just talked to him about half an hour ago and found out something real interesting about my friends across the street. They're kind of a party couple but we've never had to watch things with them, they've always been trustworthy, shown integrety, helped us watch the house, etc. Everyone's been talking to the roommate who's out of state, helping him keep tabs on whats going on, he knew about the first guy I talked about with the shoplifting problem and said he didn't want him over here again - I'd agreed. Well, the reason he called me today I found out, when I returned his call, he wanted to know why I'd invited him over last night - WTF? That same couple or one of had told him that *I* invited him, lol, I had my head in a bucket and about all they could have done is called him or gotten him calling me, told him to come over, and if they did have me on the phone they might have gotten my to rubber-stamp it with a yes, a 'bllluuuuahh', or something probably 3 words and too slurred to make much of, that's real shady. On top of that when I talked to him I told him who all had been over and one of the guys they invited while I was passed out, unknown to me, is NOT allowed over here because the roommate who's out of state doesn't trust him at all.

I hate to be learning so many things about so many people right now because it's really reflecting badly on me, even if they did tell him the truth I was shotgun in the car when it went around the block, last night I was one of the people who was right downstairs supposed to watch the house and I got floored drunk. Yeah, fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me and last night was another first-crack with people who I shouldn't have had to guess those things with but still, I'm 26, I'm supposed to be a lot more on-point and perspective than that and if I had any sense I would have seen that coming or would not have tried to keep up with them - maybe gotten a lot less to drink or some stuff that was more like a malt beverage than 80 proof.