Article on Domestic Violence

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NB: This information is sourced from the article "Domestic Violence: Why doesn't he stop hurting her?", written by Sarah Barnett, in the Listener Magazine, dated October 3-9 2009. What I have written here should be treated as paraphrased and not verbatim.
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New Zealand has one of the highest rates of domestic abuse of women in the developed world. One in three women living in New Zealand encounter domestic violence at least once in their life. There were 86,000 reports of domestic violence to police in 2008. Of homicides, one in two involves a woman killed by her partner.

Two high profile homicides recently occurred: The murder of An An Liu by Nai Yin Xue, and the murder of Sophie Elliot by Clayton Weatherston. Weatherston "grandstanded, scoffed, and never showed remorse until his sentencing... He blamed Elliot, claiming she'd goaded and belittled him and even that she'd provoked his attack." An attack that involved repeated, frenzied stabbing with a pair of scissors, and mutilation of her breasts and face after she was dead. He didn't show remorse until after he was found guilty at his trial, and his remorse focused on how the homicide affected him. And at the trial of Nai Yin Xue, his defence also focused on "what happened to him in the relationship - he alledged Liu was unfaithful, and claimed she could have died during a sex game."

Both Nai Yin and Weatherston show traits common to abusive men, including jealousy, portraying themselves as the victim, and externalising the violence. John Tanner, who killed Rachel McLean after she left him for another man in 1992, was also from a privileged and educated background, showing that domestic violence can strike in any family. He also felt possessive and victimised, like Nai Yin and Weatherston.

Society is reluctant to admit the the truth of domestic violence. This "collective squeamishness" was exposed in a recent UK advert, with actress Kiera Knightly portraying a woman being beaten by her boyfriend after arriving home from work. The censors claimed "it was too violent" and it could only be screened if the violence was removed, even though the original ad stated what was shown took place on a stage set.

The Chief Executive of Women's Refuge in New Zealand, Heather Henare, states that the "It's Not OK" campaign currently screening here needs to be stepped up. "We've worked really hard to make it a non-specific gender issue to keep everyone happy, but the reality is, it's not a non-specific gender issue. Our men are choosing to beat our women and children. We are still lacking in women's stories and voices. It's been put away in the background, because it's too ugly and too yuck. But sometimes we need to hear a bit of ugliness to move on."

A question often asked is "Why doesn't she leave?" but this question is wrong. It ignores how persistent and manipulative the abuser is. Jane Drumm, Director of Shine, points out "the overtly controlling stuff doesn't happen until a major commitment is made, such as moving in together, marriage, and having a baby." She is sharing her possessions, her life, even her offspring when the abuse starts. So leaving is no longer a simple matter.

Ann Smith (not her real name) was about six months pregnant to what she described as "one of the most romantic men [she'd] ever been with" when he changed "overnight, just like that". In 14 years she's tried to leave more than once, but he was never far. The only time she has felt truly free is when he's incarcerated, then she no longer feels the need to constantly check over her shoulder. The beatings were "bruising", but the biggest effect for Smith was psychological, especially embarrassment. "You don't want to say, 'I had no sleep last night because he stood all night with his boot on my head, ranting and raving.' You go to work the next day and carry on as normal." Leaving him for the first time was hard, her business was lost because he spent all the money. "I felt awful on a benefit, having no resources, going from having my own business and working hard to living on welfare and bankrupt and raising two kids on my own. I'd rather be on a benefit than have him in my life now. some see that as 'you're just a lazy dole-bludger', but that's what he made me in a way. I lost confidence, and there'd be some drama when I go out to work. I ended up not being reliable. And he gets more unpredictable when I tried to end the relationship. If he sees I'm geting on my feet, he'll turn up and wreck it all. He's sabotaged my car, burgled my home, took all of my dad's special things that were left to me when dad died. He's even kidnapped the kids." It took a programme run by Shine before Smith had the resolve to chuck him out for good too years ago, though when her ex was paroled early from prison, she felt overwhelmed. "You personality shuts down. When I come up with an idea, I have to follow it through. But not when he's around, or could be. I used to love dressing up. But if I look fashionable, if I dress up, I attract attention, men talk to me. What will he do when he finds out?"

Smith's ex broke four protection orders in the 14 years that she's tried to leave him. He was not arrested, though he was once when police found drugs on his person while talking to him. An An Liu had a protection order against Nai Yin Xue when she was murdered. Peter Boshier, principal Family Court judge, says the orders alone are not enough without additional safety plans.

Violent abusers only get worse, get more violent with time, without intervention. for every four offenders whom have received legal intervention, three have re-offended. Learning to change is possible, but takes many years.

Helping victims and changing offenders takes money, which is already hard to come by. With the recession in effect, the pursestrings only get tighter. Drumm adds that with the "It's not OK" campaign and increasing awareness, more people come to the attention of police and hospitals and organisations/charities, and the numbers appear to be increasing by around 10,000 per year. Proudfoot explains that economic pressure makes it harder to leave abusive men, especially uner the effect of manipulation, such as threats of suicide or scare tactics. Drumm recalls a woman who arrived home from work to find a carving knife lying on her pillow.

Proudfoot states, that the women who have the best luck when leaving, are "well educated, know how systems work, understand how they've got to talk and ask questions, have networks and know people who can help or find help. They can advocate on their own behalf. Family or friends have spare bedrooms, want to support them, can afford to feed them and their children. They have their own car, a job. The barrier common to all abused women is embarrassment, humiliation, having to explain the situation and ask for help."

And the Questions remain: "Why won't he stop beating her?" "What do we do with our boys to stop this happening?"

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It has been stated that there are traits common to abusive men. Here is a summary:
* a stereotypical view of women as inferior
* viewing his wants and needs as more important than hers
* pressuring her to commit quickly
* expecting her to fulfill all his needs all the time
* expecting the children to be perfect, and excessively punishing them when not
* feeling jealous when she spends time with others
* responding with violence when she suggests she may leave
* threatening suicide or taking the children
* behaving manipulatively, such as saying something cruel then acting loving
* forcing sex
* restraining her against her will during sex
* intimidation by violence (including breaking household items, punching and kicking walls and doors, and abusing pets)
* presenting a charming, persuasive and reasonable character outside the private sphere
* working to conceal any abuse
* behaves as if he is a victim
* blaming his partner for his faults and using this as an excuse for violence
* stalking and harrassing behaviour towards ex-partners
* a history of abusing his partner or of abuse and violence in his family
* denying he has a problem or claiming there are only "communication problems"
* and manipulating the legal system to intimidate or harass his partner
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This is cool.

Thankyou Ahaseurus2000 for sharing this information I wasn't aware New Zealand had this high of a abuse rate and so little being done about it.