While reports like these have popped up every now and again, this one seems relatively feasible. As you probably know by now, a Frog newspaper published a leaked report within the French intelligence community (not our French aspies, the French equivalent of ASIS, MI6 or CIA). Said report states that Osama bin Laden seems to have died from, of all things, typhoid.
While this would be welcome news, it is still not concrete. The Saudi government, whose citizens include the bin Laden family, have apparently refuted this, but have confirmed (if at all possible) that bin Laden is gravely ill, which is not surprising, considering the fact that apparently his kidneys were playing up for the last few years.
Of course (and this is my opinion, one that apparently is shared by those with a knowledge about how al Qaeda, or really any terrorist organisation works), this doesn't mean jack. In some people's opinions, bin Laden was no longer involved with the day-to-day doings in the field, he is just an ideological figurehead. Not only that, but many terrorist groups would be like a mythological hydra. Cut off one head, and more will sprout to take their place.
Ah, well. If Dubya claims this as a victory, or even the victory on the "War on Terror", he's going to have an extremely severe and anatomically inconvenient case of "foot in mouth".
Just in case ol' Osama is dead, however, I have found an excellent eulogy. Take it away, anonymous joke writer.
Anonymous joke writer wrote:
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Internal Memo. Do Not Distribute Outside The
Organisation.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently
but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
FIRST of all, while it's good to be concerned about
cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota...have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
SECOND: it's not often I make a video address but when
I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
THIRD: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea cheese recently,
clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
FOURTH: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but
we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
FIVE: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall?.. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
SIX: The use of chickens is strictly for food.
Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
FINALLY, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny anymore. "
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(No longer a mod)
On sabbatical...
24 Sep 2006, 6:10 pm
