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ASPartOfMe
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15 Jan 2018, 12:52 pm

Should Schools Ban Kids From Having Best Friends?

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I am always fascinated by trends. And I am especially intrigued by the emerging trend among European schools, and now some American schools as well, to ban best friends.

That's right. Some schools are attempting to ban the entire concept of children having best friends.

This, to me, seems like a Herculean task. The notion of choosing best friends is deeply embedded in our culture. Nonetheless, there is, in my opinion, merit to the movement to ban having best friends.

Certainly in life we all benefit from having close friends and confidantes – those who really get us. On the other hand, there is something dreadfully exclusionary occurring when a middle schooler tells the girl sitting next to her that she is best friends with the girl sitting in front of them. Of course, this scenario plays out in a variety of ways, but child after co child comes to my therapy office distressed when their best friend has now given someone else this coveted title.

I am a huge fan of social inclusion. The phrase best friend is inherently exclusionary. Among children and even teens, best friends shift rapidly. These shifts lead to emotional distress and would be significantly less likely if our kids spoke of close or even good friends rather than best friends. And, if kids have best friends, does that also imply that they have "worst friends?" A focus on having best friends certainly indicates there's an unspoken ranking system; and where there is a ranking system, there are problems. I see kids who are never labeled best friends, and sadly, they sit alone at lunch tables and often in their homes while others are with their best friends.

I am not, however, an advocate of encouraging kids to have huge groups of friends. What I would like to see instead is children having a smaller group of close friends. In fact, there is research suggesting that adolescents who have a small group of close friends fare better emotionally than those who are part of a larger social circle. Perhaps those who are part of a large group lack closeness and are socializing primarily with acquaintances.


Oh come on. SJW thought policing at its finest(sarcasm)


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naturalplastic
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15 Jan 2018, 2:23 pm

8O
Which is crazier?

This trend (never heard of it before) of schools supposedly "banning" best friends?

Or this lady's editorial which objects to that trend, but then goes on to talk about what she thinks schools should dictate about how kids make friends?



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15 Jan 2018, 2:33 pm

This doesn't go far enough. We need to do away with friendships altogether, so those who are unable to make friends don't feel so bad.


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15 Jan 2018, 2:44 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
This doesn't go far enough. We need to do away with friendships altogether, so those who are unable to make friends don't feel so bad.
We need to put everybody in a wheelchair and forbid them from walking because there are people who can't walk and we need equality!! :lol:


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15 Jan 2018, 2:45 pm

VegetableMan wrote:
This doesn't go far enough. We need to do away with friendships altogether, so those who are unable to make friends don't feel so bad.

Yes, and then let's do away with the concept of "best" altogether, so things which are shoddy or second-rate can stand proudly as being just as good as anything else. #sarcasm

(Don't mind me, I'm just chuffed that I recognized VeggieMan's sarcasm.)


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15 Jan 2018, 4:33 pm

Best friends is kind of hardwired in our biology to live in groups but in schools it's hardly a necessity as kids need to learn to be friends with all their classmates or else they develop "in-group" mentality

I took my daughter to a trampoline park and observed how kids her age form little friendship cliques which then take over the best trampolines and bully kids who dare encroach on their mini-empires. Kind of explains how conservatives operate in the real world (refer to William Golding's "Lord of the Flies" for an illustration of the dangers of best friends)



ASPartOfMe
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15 Jan 2018, 4:49 pm

How would they enforce this, mandate kids have camaras 24/7 and if they stay too long with one other kid then what?

As long as nobody is being hurt and learning is not being disrupted let kids be kids. This dinosaur does not understand why people find that such a hard concept to understand.


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15 Jan 2018, 7:00 pm

Heh. When I was at school, I went further. I ranked all my friends from first to last. And told them their rank and told them if their rank changed. :lol:

I understand now why this was not a good thing to do, and cast it aside long ago. That is, the whole concept, not simply not telling. But I had no ill intent with it. You were still my friend even if you were bottom. But sometimes you have to make choices, so it just seemed logical to have a ranking system to let me choose between my friends if ever I had to. It puzzled me a great deal why none of my friends ranked their friends in the same way, it just seemed like the logical and natural thing to do, I was keenly aware of why I regarded these people as my friends and their level of value to me. Did anyone else do anything like that?



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15 Jan 2018, 7:41 pm

More social engineering from the lefty brigade.
You can't force kids to be friends they usually gravitate to whoever they click with and that person ends up being a friend for the rest of their life.



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15 Jan 2018, 7:42 pm

Drake wrote:
Heh. When I was at school, I went further. I ranked all my friends from first to last. And told them their rank and told them if their rank changed. :lol:

I understand now why this was not a good thing to do, and cast it aside long ago. That is, the whole concept, not simply not telling. But I had no ill intent with it. You were still my friend even if you were bottom. But sometimes you have to make choices, so it just seemed logical to have a ranking system to let me choose between my friends if ever I had to. It puzzled me a great deal why none of my friends ranked their friends in the same way, it just seemed like the logical and natural thing to do, I was keenly aware of why I regarded these people as my friends and their level of value to me. Did anyone else do anything like that?


I never anything like that, but I think it's a stellar idea! In fact, schools should supply students with a ranking sheet and post them on a big bulletin board, and update the rankings on a weekly basis.

Ah, I can see it now! Kids running up to the board every Friday to see if they've moved up on any of their friends sheet.

"Holy crap! I moved up three positions on Dave's list! Now I'm number two! I'll bet with a little schmoozing, I can make the top spot by the end of the month!"


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15 Jan 2018, 7:50 pm

Idiotic article and idiotic thread. Where is the news story that actually reports schools' attempts to "ban" best friends? It isn't even possible to ban a concept because concepts exist in the mind.



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15 Jan 2018, 8:07 pm

starkid wrote:
Idiotic article and idiotic thread. Where is the news story that actually reports schools' attempts to "ban" best friends? It isn't even possible to ban a concept because concepts exist in the mind.


You're right, of course. I don't think there is truly an initiative of this sort. But I'm rather fond of having a bit of fun with "idiotic" topics.


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16 Jan 2018, 2:25 am

The Telegraph

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Prince George is to join a new private day school where the first rule is to “be kind” and children are discouraged from picking a best friend in case of hurt feelings.


Huffington Post
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The policy is one that's become more common in recent years, particularly at private schools. As the New York Times reported in 2010, these friendships are discouraged because they might make others feel left out.

"[The] bottom line is that if we find a best friend pairing to be destructive to either child, or to others in the classroom, we will not hesitate to separate children and to work with the children and their parents to ensure healthier relationships in the future," said Jan Mooney, a psychologist at Manhattan's Town School, to the paper.

Moore also revealed that if a child at the school is throwing a birthday party, they aren't allowed to hand out invitations in class unless every child is invited.

"I think [it] is quite a good thing as you don't feel excluded," she said.

The idea behind these policies is that no child feels left out, and prevents potential bullying.


Teachers tell children not to have 'best friends' in primary schools... to prevent pain of falling out
Quote:
Primary schools are adopting a 'no best friends' policy to shield children from the pain of falling out.

Educational psychologist Gaynor Sbuttoni, who provides counselling for children in London, said the practice of teachers encouraging kids to play in large groups instead of developing tight-knit bonds is increasingly common.

Judith Mortell, also an educational psychologist, told The Sunday Times some schools view the policy as a waste of valuable curriculum time, while others see it as part of a holistic approach to eduction.


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16 Jan 2018, 4:07 am

In an ironic twist my daughter's best (and only) friend was separated because they thought both girls would benefit from mixing with other (NT) children.

Years later and both girls are friendless...



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16 Jan 2018, 8:17 am

VegetableMan wrote:
Drake wrote:
Heh. When I was at school, I went further. I ranked all my friends from first to last. And told them their rank and told them if their rank changed. :lol:

I understand now why this was not a good thing to do, and cast it aside long ago. That is, the whole concept, not simply not telling. But I had no ill intent with it. You were still my friend even if you were bottom. But sometimes you have to make choices, so it just seemed logical to have a ranking system to let me choose between my friends if ever I had to. It puzzled me a great deal why none of my friends ranked their friends in the same way, it just seemed like the logical and natural thing to do, I was keenly aware of why I regarded these people as my friends and their level of value to me. Did anyone else do anything like that?


I never anything like that, but I think it's a stellar idea! In fact, schools should supply students with a ranking sheet and post them on a big bulletin board, and update the rankings on a weekly basis.

Ah, I can see it now! Kids running up to the board every Friday to see if they've moved up on any of their friends sheet.

"Holy crap! I moved up three positions on Dave's list! Now I'm number two! I'll bet with a little schmoozing, I can make the top spot by the end of the month!"

Oh btw, the article in the OP asks do kids also have worst friends? That seems such an impossible thing to me. If I had 10 friends and you were tenth, you were my tenth best friend, above everyone in the school but nine other people. You were valued. I had and have high standards for choosing friends.



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16 Jan 2018, 3:47 pm

cyberdad wrote:
In an ironic twist my daughter's best (and only) friend was separated because they thought both girls would benefit from mixing with other (NT) children.

Years later and both girls are friendless...
This is so sad :( Are they not able to meet up and be friends now?


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