Has anything crushed your soul?

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Yes, my father twisted my feeling and beliefs into a messed up pile of crap, and now my innocence childhood is gone, and now I'm bombarded with insercurities, anxiety, depression, and anger.

having someone elses life in your hands can b a very emotional moment

Being bullied in school and ending up in hospital because I was so traumatized by it. That really crushed me and I still haven't recovered. I felt like all the empathy and kindness within me had been totally eradicated.

There was a period in my life when everything except my health went badly wrong, from my studies to a breakup to a death in the family to social problems and I didn't really have anywhere to turn to for support. As a result, I kind of shut down emotionally, and lost faith in both love and friendship. I may have just lost the capacity for either, it's not that I'm unkind or hostile to people or that I don't need company but I don't become attached to them, and have not been in a relationship since. Basically ever since my view is 'friends come and go' and 'love is a luxury not for me.'

On many occasions.

Starting with the first..My mum and dad split up when i was 3 and I even got diagnosed with clinical despression when he left by a psychiatrist 0.o. Obviously I don't remember but my mum told me a few weeks ago.

Then when I was 9 my mum had a bf who never liked me from the start. Before I was diangosed with AS ( My dad refused to show up during my diagnosis, he claimed..and I quote.. "It's a stupid cry for attention" ) I wouldn't talk to him much at all no matter what. One day while making food I finished some homework, which was writing a poem or song about something, and he told me to read it. I was extremely shy and refused to do it and start walking away backwards. He slammed the frying pan down, charged at me, grabbed me by the throat, slammed me against the wall, lifted me three feet in the air and screamed "START LISTENING TO ME NOW YOU f*****g PRICK". I had absolutely no idea why he was so distraught because I couldn't udnerstand NT's but didn't know it at the time.

When I was 10 I also spent a lot of time with my great grandfather.In a way, I believe he knew I was different somehow and knew how to treat me. We spent a lot of time discussing life and computers and then he taught me to play chess. We played on a wooden set that my great-great grandfather hand carved (I still own it with all the pieces today). Well, when I was 11..he....started having heart failure..He used to work in the mines and it had destroyed his lungs and heart and they were starting to fail. The next time I saw him he was at home breathing from an oxygen tank...That scared the beejesus out of me.

When I was still 11...My mum came upstairs...he died....heart failure in his sleep she told me.....3 years later I talk to my 14 year old smoker whoring cousin who tells me he actually died of a heart attack after falling down the stairs. He was bedridden and his buzzer stopped working, and him being the prideful man got out of bed for a glass of water. Started walking down the stairs, my cousins heard him coming down and went into the room to stop him, he slipped, crashed to the bottom, and had a heart attack in front of two little kids and his wife and died. That hurt..to picture him like that...

Then I spent 3 years with a carer in school to stop me having panick attacks everyday, but I still had them anyway. That was HELL ON EARTH. I was beaten to a pulp everyday and even the people I thought sort of liked me bullied the crap out of me. Eventually it led to me inventing Mark and him pushing a bully back...he then gave me a concussion and boom...I gave up on everything.


Good GOD this turned out waaaaayyyyy too long. I apologise in advance for the minutes I stole from the reader's life.

Well.. I can't say it was a one minute moment but the thing that totaly destroyed me and took my childhood away, was when my "friend" left me to go alone in a new school. We where supposed to start 7'th grade, kind of highschool, and the got the idea: "Hey, what if we start at another school, just you and I?". And I agreed to it, not having a lot of friends anyway. So I fixed with papers, with my parent help, ofc, ans I though she did, too. But she didn't. She just let it go. So, in the end, i started in that school without her. Alone, badly skilled at making friends and with teenage angst starting to nibble my back, it simply went like hell, and did so for about 2 years. It totaly ruined me. I just can't accept when she says she's sorry and regrets what she did and want to start over and s**t. It's unforgiveable.

please read the topic that is second from the top of the main Adolescent Asperger Forum page.

Well not all at once. It is more like things happening often over a drawn out and long period of time slowly chipping away at it. As I get older I realize more and more than in spite of all the things that happened that were out out of my control, I am my own worst enemy. I am the only person who has the power to let someone else destroy me.

Being sent to Catholic School and being teased and harrassed and criticized everyday was perhaps the good chunk of it.

Followed by my friends blaming me for not being friendly with everyone and leaving me friendless for several months. When I did become friends with them again, they would occasionally do cruel things to me like force me to sit alone or encourage an entire class to laugh at me.

During my suicidal period at the time...my dad telling me to stop seeking suicidal help after I told him I wanted to meet with a counselor I had been talking to on the phone...all because he thinks that therapy and counseling is a bunch of hogwash. Even when I'm suicidal, he thinks it's ridiculous. Even worse is that I'm convinced that his stubborness has resulted in many missed oppurtunities over the years to get an earlier AS diagnosis.

Telling my dad about the above incident about 8 or 9 years later when I was having more suicidal problems. His response: "I dont remember any of that".

In a way I think my mother is another factor in my loss of innocence. I was raised to believe that her disturbing short tempers were okay and that her drinking wasnt equal to the level of alcoholism. She never did anything completely violent like punch somebody but she did have completely out of control temper tantrums and onced attacked my dad (at least he put it that way, he was calling for me downstairs to call 9-1-1. I took it seriously but now I wonder if he was just joking cuz he tends to do that).

My first boyfriend in high school being an emotionally unstable individual who constantly threatened suicide during my numerous attempts to break up with him. He kinda broke much trust that I use to have in geeky men and made me more aware of men with Asian fetishes.

My first dumping by a guy in college to be with an ex. The dumping wasnt as bad as the harrasive treatment he gave me afterwards. But it taught me to steer clear of guys who have recently broken up with someone.

My former best friend in college making up a phony excuse to not come visit me after she graudated and the sudden realization that she had taken my friendship for granted. Too many incidences before she left college resulted in me going through hell while she got a clean break from some serious bad mistakes that she committed. The big one: I was accused of "betraying" my best friend in an incident that wasnt even wrong yet it was in fact instigated by her (she told me to do it)...yet she never fessed up to the accuser, her boyfriend. This was back in 2007 and I have still not recovered from this feeling that she betrayed me then abandoned me and since then my life is still is in a severe mess by my own inability to get over it.

When I lost one of my friends last month, I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I still miss her and even dream about her sometimes. It's heartbreaking. Absolutely devastating.