Confessions of an Aspie Teen

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i almost commited suicide once when i was 12, i was going to take a wine glass out of my moms cupboard, and i was going to mix pnemonia and bleach together and form a poison , which i would then consume, just the fumes that come out of the concoction are enough to kill you if you breathe in too much, so if you drink it it is a guaranteed death. i was going to have my will in the other hand, which would be found in my cold dead hands, never did it though, i really didnt want to commit suicide i just wanted my life to be less insane for once and i just thought hell would be better then my life,. but i know now that life is precious and you should live every moment to the fullest

One confession I have is that in seventh grade, I was the one that stole the snacks from the office. They made an announcement that someone was stealing snacks and it only started that year. I haven't told anyone to this day. Also in fifth/sixth grade, I stole chocolate kisses from an office belonging to a member of the faculty and shared them with my friends. I would have gotten in sooo much trouble.

I'm pretty sure almost everyone has thought of suicide at least at some point in their life.

Are there any confessions not related to suicide?

I confess that I was guilty for trying too hard when I fell in love when I was 14. I probably pushed her away, too, and I never realized it. I confess that I hate the man I older sister married, and considering my older sister and him are my official guardians now, that's something. He's extremely cynical, has NO friends, and on a whole seems to hate most people. He refers to them as inferior most of the time. I confess that I masturbate, but never with the image of people I care about in my mind. I confess that I secretly imagine people who hurt me tortured sometimes, but it's also me being tortured in my mind occasionally. A mixture of guilt and hate that builds up in me. I confess that I go on adult/sex sites, despite the fact that I'm 15. I hide it from everyone I'm living with. I confess that I am lonely, which no one thinks I am apparently. I confess I think too much of the future, to the point where I fantasize and fall in love with those fantasies. (IE: I start talking with a girl on a regular basis in school. I get a crush on her. I fantasize about our life together in the future, and fall in love with THAT instead of the girl. I confess I've been on only one date in my life, never kissed a girl before, and that my life is pitiable. I confess that I hate how my family disagrees with my beliefs and views on the world (And they are GOOD views. I'm not cynical... Theye're the cynical ones. And yes, I confess I'm being cynical about them being cynical). I confess that whenever I tear my eyes from a sex scene in a movie or television series, it's just to make other people think I don't want to watch it when they're near. I confess that I'm disgusted by myself sometimes. I confess that I don't want to live long enough to grow very old. I confess that I always envision possible ways to get away with murder or commit suicide, yet never act on those thoughts. I confess that I feel guilt whenever I do something wrong. I confess that sometimes, I make mistakes, despite how perfect I want to be/appear. I confess I'm sometimes too prideful and lazy. I confess I eat too much. I confess I don't try as hard as I should to look good, eliminate acne, and reduce my weight.

There, WrongPlanet. You have heard the Confessions of a Teenage Drama... I'm not going to finish that.

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I really wish my dad did more 'dad' things with me now, and when I was growing up. But since I am the final child, he was finished with 'dad' things way before I was born.

He is the type of father that buys me things and leaves me to it.

Sometimes I feel as though I might one day go insane. Sometimes.

[rant]
I can hardly tolerate to be near my father for an extended period of time. Despite of this, I refuse to stray too far away from him during my upcoming college years out of the fear that he may need me, seeing as his health is ailing. I worry about his health and his happiness more often than I worry about my own, even though I cannot wait to no longer be in the same house as him.
I, too, have often dwelled on the possibility of suicide. However, I cannot even bring a razor to lacerate my arm, let alone my neck, for I made a promise to an angel (or spirit, presence, memory, etc.) that I would stay around long enough to care for my family as much as I can.
Even though I sometimes struggle with looking my family in the eye and even though I'm one of the most distant members of the family, I care for them more severely than they could ever possibly conceive.
I genuinely love people, even though they make little sense to me and are often the reason that I dwell on suicide in the first place.
And yet I often envision myself living entirely and utterly isolated. This possibility does not perturb me in the slightest.
[/rant]

I cut, and do not want to stop. It feels good...
I have been very close to killing myself (too cowardly)
I do not know what "love" is/means

I confess that I feel very alone and would rather die than live out the rest of my life this way. I'm not even close to killing myself right now, but in 5 to 10 years, I could see suicide being a possibility if nothing improves. I'll try my hardest to make friends and generally lead a happy life, but if I just don't see a future for myself... then what's the point? I'm not going to cling to false hope.

Now I'm having regrets about posting this, like it's a rant I should keep to myself and putting it on here is selfish and unnecessary. But it feels good to get this stuff off my chest.

that i wish my family understood me better

I compartmentalize myself into five "aspects", almost like MPD, except I do it on purpose.
I have had recurring bouts of depression since starting High School, stemming from anxiety over grades and a sense of my own inadequacy.
Emotions and romantic relationships scare me, so I ignore or suppress many of my strong emotions, and am currently ignoring romance until it seems less bewildering.
I over-analyze my life, and hide things that are important to me from my family and friends, for fear of rejection.
I believe that everything should be logical, and illogical things drive me crazy.