Feel that you will never get a gf or a bf?

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Bluesummers
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18 Feb 2008, 2:34 am

SierraBell wrote:

Bluesummers wrote:

I've managed to have one real relationship. So I guess it's not impossible. Currently trying to weirdly woo my way into another girl's heart at the moment.

Here's hoping I don't get close to her, get scared, and run away :oops:

What exactly do you mean by "woo"? I have an idea, but could you clarify what you meant?

Hmm, I see what you mean. Having a hard time defining it now that you point it out. Kinda like defining "Walk."

But, straight from dictionary.com - Woo: To seek the affection of with intent to romance. I guess that's what I was going for.

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Wilco
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18 Feb 2008, 5:29 am

mikebw wrote:

I'm not actively competing with other dudes for any girls, I'm not "out there"

You shouldn't see it as compete. You can just look. Not search, but look. One time I saw a girl that I liked (she was working at a shop) and when she asked if I needed anything else I asked for her MSN. the next day I found out she already has a BF but we're still friends. Girls aren't things you have to compete or fight for. You have to look around, just talk to a few you like. And if you don't turn out as lovers then you can still be friends.

SierraBell
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18 Feb 2008, 10:11 am

Wilco wrote:

mikebw wrote:

I'm not actively competing with other dudes for any girls, I'm not "out there"

Wilco's right, girls aren't trophies to compete for (even though society treats tells you otherwise...) they're people too.

But even women feel they need to compete for guys too. I mean seriously, they have to show their bodies more and "sell themselves" in order for a man to to notice them

Yeah...he notices them alright...but probably for the reason the woman wants to be noticed...

I had a teen service the other day talking about sex and this courting stuff. I felt VERY uncomfortable and insecure.

886
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18 Feb 2008, 3:17 pm

mikebw wrote:

I know I'll never have another girlfriend. I'm not actively competing with other dudes for any girls, I'm not "out there", I'm not looking and I'm not likely to be any time soon. Having a girlfriend is not a priority or a goal for my life, it's not something my happiness or my self value hinges on. Thankfully.

what do you mean by "competing"

since when is relationships a competition?

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Tequila
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18 Feb 2008, 5:21 pm

I will have a girlfriend. Sure it's only a matter of time. Maybe not yet but in the future, perhaps.

azureflames
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18 Feb 2008, 5:48 pm

All of us aspies have relationships problems especially finding a bf/gf. In my life I've only had one girlfriend and a couple of "hook ups". I look just like a normal teenager out there but it's hard for me to sometimes initiate a conversation. I think we all struggle with this and making friendships.

dragonboy
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18 Feb 2008, 6:08 pm

ive felt like that for a long time but i might finally be getting a gf from online.

mikebw
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19 Feb 2008, 12:19 am

Wilco wrote:

You shouldn't see it as compete.

886 wrote:

what do you mean by "competing"

since when is relationships a competition?

You're not going to be the only interested guy, chances are she's getting offers from multiple guys she will be comparing you against(Even while you are dating, even when you become boyfriend/girlfriend and even when you are husband and wife), that is competition. Whether you realize it or not.

Every person has a measure, whereby they measure you. Like it or not, a relationship is constant work. If you're not up to the task, you fall by the wayside. It is a constant competition, not necessarily against other people, but against the person you are interested in's expectations/needs/wants/desires/friends and parents opinions/etc.

Wilco wrote:

You can just look. Not search, but look. One time I saw a girl that I liked (she was working at a shop) and when she asked if I needed anything else I asked for her MSN. the next day I found out she already has a BF but we're still friends. Girls aren't things you have to compete or fight for. You have to look around, just talk to a few you like. And if you don't turn out as lovers then you can still be friends.

Window shopping is certainly an option, you'll notice however that you are not the only window shopper, and while you may gain a spot as a friend, only one or two of you will gain the spot of best friend. It is in fact a competition.

I don't compete or fight for anybody, I don't play the social game. If you were right in that I didn't have to compete for someone's attention and time, I would have a girlfriend right now, without even wanting one. But you are wrong. To get a friend(Male or female) I would have to compete for their attention and their time. Just like if someone were to want to be my friend, they would have to work at getting and keeping my attention and taking up my time.

SierraBell wrote:

Wilco's right, girls aren't trophies to compete for (even though society treats tells you otherwise...) they're people too.

And what do people do? They compete, that's what they do. They judge, they evaluate, they determine.

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SierraBell
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19 Feb 2008, 12:55 am

mikebw wrote:

SierraBell wrote:

Wilco's right, girls aren't trophies to compete for (even though society treats tells you otherwise...) they're people too.

And what do people do? They compete, that's what they do. They judge, they evaluate, they determine.

I am saying this because I am a girl and I strongly believe that men and women are created equal.

You shouldn't treat people like objects and as something to get for yourself. People don't want to be treated like that. Even if they do, they are just brainwashed.

Sorry, but I strongly disagree with you. Not all people act like that. Don't get me wrong, people sometimes feel that they need to compete so they can prove themselves and others that they are the best. So they have their moments. But others, because they have been through life for a very long time, they don't feel that they need to compete.

How you can do this is not caring what other people think and take things as they are. So we don't really need any "competition".

Wilco
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19 Feb 2008, 1:30 am

mikebw wrote:

. And sometimes, things go even further. Just give that some time.

Instead of looking at the other sex as "possible lovers" you should look at them as "possible friends". It will give you a better feeling, more friends, and you can learn alot about the other sex, from the other sex. trust me

mikebw
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19 Feb 2008, 3:46 am

SierraBell wrote:

I never said that men and women aren't created equal. I never said you should treat people like objects.

Wilco wrote:

It's a competition because you SEE it like a competition. But you're not fighting for her attention. Simply talk to her and she thinks you're a nice person or she doesn't. You talk to her more and she likes you or she doesn't. The only other person involved in this besides you is her BF. Instead of trying to compete for a girl with winning or losing, just talk to them. Be yourself and be nice. What can happen? The worst thing that can happen is that they don't like you. Well that's their loss, and you haven't lost a thing. They can become your friend, which is a win for you because the more friends the better. And sometimes, things go even further. Just give that some time.

Instead of looking at the other sex as "possible lovers" you should look at them as "possible friends". It will give you a better feeling, more friends, and you can learn alot about the other sex, from the other sex. trust me

Here's an example: Let's say a girl named Sue has several obligations. She goes to college full time, and works a part time job to pay her bills, and has a boyfriend, and also has parents and siblings, and several other friends. All these obligations and people are competing for her time on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. Not all of them get as much of her time and attention as they would like. And she can't give some of them as much time and attention as she would like. Then you come along. You don't know her, you don't know that she's got all this crap she has to juggle, and you have no idea that you have now entered the competition for her time and attention by asking her to talk to you. But you have. It IS a competition.

Wilco
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19 Feb 2008, 9:38 am

nope it's not. Simply because I'm not competing for her attention. I'm ASKING for it. Why the hell would anyone compete for someone's attention. If somebody wants to talk to you then she does. If she doesn't then she doesn't. If she can only speak to one person at a time YOU DONT COMPETE AGAINST THAT PERSON! attention isn't someting you fight for. You get it or you don't get it. You say she can't give them as much attention as she would like, so yes she splits it up and people who she likes more will get more attention. And if you're being yourself she might give you loads of attention and she might not.

But once again it's not a competition. Attention is NOT someting you fight for. And to use your example, instead of everyone fighting for Sue's attention, driving her crazy, maybe they should let her go and let her decide when she can give who attention. Then I come along as you said, let's say while she's at work? We talk a bit, and I get her what? phone number? Lets say phone number. Then I call her later, if she's busy she doesn't have to pick up but let's say she's busy and feels like she has to pick up. We say hi, I ask her how she's doing, she says she's busy and I say ok I'll call you back another time.

You compete for objects, you don't compete for people, or people's attention. It's like SierraBell sais people don't want to be treated as someting you are competing for. The only message you're giving her by acting like that is that you can't wait until she has more time

mikebw
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19 Feb 2008, 7:57 pm

Wilco wrote:

nope it's not.(Yes it is) Simply because I'm not competing for her attention. I'm ASKING for it.(And so are other people = competition) Why the hell would anyone compete for someone's attention.(Because they want it, don't be daft) If somebody wants to talk to you then she does.(Not necessarily, she may see that you are busy, she may not get an opportunity, she may have an internal struggle she needs to overcome, etc., etc.,) If she doesn't then she doesn't. If she can only speak to one person at a time YOU DONT COMPETE AGAINST THAT PERSON! attention isn't someting you fight for.(Not physically or verbally against that person necessarily, but there was an action.) You get it or you don't get it.(You win or you lose, exactly) You say she can't give them as much attention as she would like, so yes she splits it up and people who she likes more will get more attention.(Those that get more attention win and those she has no time for lose) And if you're being yourself she might give you loads of attention and she might not.(If she pushes others out, you win. If she pushes you out, you lose.)

But once again it's not a competition.(You keep saying that, but haven't presented a convincing argument) Attention is NOT someting you fight for.(Again, not physically and not even personally most times. You could liken it to hot and cold, not aware of each other at all, yet they compete all the time. If there's a better word for that, let me know.) And to use your example, instead of everyone fighting(Not necessarily in the proper context I'm intending, but it happens) for Sue's attention, driving her crazy, maybe they should let her go and let her decide when she can give who attention.(She always decides. The winners get her attention, the losers don't. One could be a winner one moment and a loser the next. So forth and so on.) Then I come along as you said, let's say while she's at work? We talk a bit, and I get her what? phone number? Lets say phone number. Then I call her later, if she's busy she doesn't have to pick up but let's say she's busy and feels like(An internal struggle eh? One side, the one that didn't want to pick up, loses. And the other side that did, wins. It is a sort of competition, no?) she has to pick up. We say hi, I ask her how she's doing, she says she's busy and I say ok I'll call you back another time.(And the next time you call, and the next time, and the next time. Maybe you'll get the hint eventually. Or maybe you'll win and get to talk. Challenges are fun, aren't they?)

You compete for objects, you don't compete for people, or people's attention.(BS) It's like SierraBell sais people don't want to be treated as someting you are competing for.(There are realities and there are fantasies. People don't want to be sad, people don't want to die, people don't want a lot of things, but that doesn't matter. You put a mask on it, you ignore it, you pretend it isn't real, you may be ignorant of it, or you accept it for what it is.) The only message you're giving her by acting like that is that you can't wait until she has more time(Acting like what? I'm not acting like anything. There is no need to act period, the thing is, all by itself.)

What you do and don't like don't matter.

You say you are not competing for her attention when you ask her for it, yet you are not the only person or obligation asking for her attention. Hello. When more than one person asks for something, what is it they are doing? Not all of them can have it. They don't have to know each other, they don't have to know that there are other people at all, that changes nothing.

People go through life blind to and ignorant about all sorts and manner of things, that doesn't mean those things weren't there or didn't exist. Life is a struggle, every fiber of it, then you die. Maybe you don't notice the struggle, that doesn't mean it didn't occur.

Anyways, feel free to say "Na-uh." Or agree to disagree.

Wilco
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20 Feb 2008, 1:42 am

Have it your way. When I'm in school I'm competing for the teacher's attention. When I don't get i tI get mad. When I'm with a friend I'm asking for his/her attention. Nobody is making it a competition here (I asked). Life is a struggle for those who see it that way. Life can be alot more who see it in different ways. I'm not ignorant for the things you said. I just handle them in a different way. And one more time back to your Sue, I have never met a person who was such a good actor that she could hide that she was very busy and was getting tired of me, or anyone else.

SierraBell
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20 Feb 2008, 1:44 am

Wilco wrote:

Well said.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Obstinate
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20 Feb 2008, 9:32 am

I think I just might get a girlfriend one day, but I suffer from a pretty big catch 22:
1. I walk around with a rather confident walk. I'm not very confident, but my dad always tells me to walk that way, so I got used to it. And to most people, confidence=arrogance
2. Around people I don't know very well I get really shy and look into their eye more than "normal", and I get the "You stare when you talk to people" alot.
3. I'm black, and most people at my school stick to their own ethnicity when it comes to dating.
4. I'm not the stereotypical young black male, so a large majority of girls (including African-American) wouldn't go for me because of the way I am, and the ones who would that I know already have boyfriends.

Lame. But hey, who knows? Maybe I get with one and I feel really uncomfortable and like my space is compromised?

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