I think the answer to such a question, for any person, depends on who there is to fit in with. I don't think the most social of NTs can hope to fit in with everyone, people have differing and opposing mindsets to each other.
Those with AS have a significantly different neurology than the vast majority of others. The effect of this is that people with AS inhabit a remote island of temperament, thoughts, and attitudes, all of which may be alien to a vast number of people who received their mindsets from socialization.
In junior high and my first two or three years of high school, I was considered very eccentric. I had a small number of friends, who were typically misfits themselves. Even among the misfits I was poorly understood, and my own friends teased me. I was made fun of on a daily basis by a number (which I can only remember as 'too many') of peers. Being socially inept, whenever I tried to verbally defend myself I only made the situation worse for myself, embarrassing myself or provoking threats of physical violence. Day after day I was subjected to ridicule while my tormentors went unpunished.
During high school, my intelligence served as a buffer against most teasing. Some kids starting being nice to me because they wanted me to help them with their work, or use me to cheat on their tests. At the time, I didn't understand that they were exploiting me, but it was nice to not be made fun of for once. I also had the great fortune to make a very socially adept friend, whose mannerisms and prosody I emulated during conversation. People still thought I was pretty weird, but I was steadily learning new skills.
The more social skills I picked up, the less I was teased and the more friends I made. I moved frequently, and ended up going to a different high school in 11th grade. This was great for me, because it was like having a blank slate. At the time I thought I was doing well socially, but in retrospect I realize that I must have come across as unusual, though out of benevolence many of my peers were friendly with me, and some even accepted me.
By 12th grade I moved, and then went to yet another high school. After years of consciously learning the rules of social engagement and emulating my peers, I was able to superficially blend in. I was still a bit awkward, but I was able to form genuine social relationships, establish respect from my peers, and attract the opposite sex (though in some cases I didn't realize this, and in cases where I was aware of interest, I didn't know how to handle things).
Today I blend in quite well at times. I have learned to control a deal of my social anxiety (not all of it). I have had years of practicing emulation of social presentation, and can now use my unique personality in social interactions effectively. I still have some deficits. I do not enjoy small talk, nor am I very good at it, but I can at least come off as a boring small talker. Sometimes I don't understand all the levels that something I say will be interpreted on, but I'm finally beginning to 'get it'. Also, I still take things a bit literally at times. This is especially true if someone is amicably 'messing' with me, but I'm becoming a lot better at recognizing these situations and learning to behave humorously in them.
I believe many people with AS can become socially adept, provided they invest effort into developing their skills. I learned a lot from conversations with my socially adept friends, and observing their behavior. I very persistently tried to be social in high school, even going to parties, which I was never comfortable with or at. I also learned quite a bit from being ridiculed (it taught me what not to do), though such treatment affected my self-esteem a lot. I think that if a person with AS has a solid base of accepting friendships, even if it's only one or two friendships, and a willingness to learn and change, they are capable of not only being socially skilled, but dynamic and exceptionally unique.
07 Nov 2009, 9:11 pm
