Aspergus and me

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I'd always been diffrent, my mum tried to take me to toddler groups and the like but I never spoke to the other kids or even took an intrest in them. I'd find a toy I wanted and take it off to a quiet corner, if people came along trying to share I never let them, I've been told I'd lash out and get violent towards them.

When I started primary school at the age of four I was still a bit odd and wouldn't hang around with the other kids. The first day I was quiet looking at the faces, I'd never seen so many people before. They were all trying to make friends with each other and I did try but I didn't succeed. I'm not too sure what went wrong with it but the other kids didn't like me. I remember in Year One a group of girls were looking to play a game "Who wants to play _Whatever game it was_ no Andi's" they walked around the playground chanting that, each sylable cut me inside and I still carry with me today. I told one of the teachers who was on playground duty and they thought it was "just a joke" and "couldn't possibly hurt anyone" maybe if they'd seen me crying later on. That was one of the first times I really cried because I was sad over something.
I struggled through that school and when I was about 7 or 8 they got some shrinks into see me. I had to fill out work sheets that would show my self esteem which always came back as low. Nobody ever explained to me what this meant or even told me! I found out by reading the letters addressed to my parents. They suspected Manic Depression, I guess I've always fitted that, and when I was about 10 I was sent off to a hospital to have more sessions with shirnks, they said Aspergus.
I'm not sure if I belive in AS though, I looked at one of the leafletts my mum was given and there were over 100 signs listed. Some were fairly common that several people do. I belive I am diffrent to normal people and my mind doesn't work the same, but I'm not sure if it deserves a label.
While I was at primary school my dad used to hit me because I'd misbehave. People would make me feel like crying and I'd hurt them. Hurting them would make me feel, better, it felt like I was showing them they couldn't make me cry the only way I knew how. I wasn't brought up in the best of familys, my dad hit me from a young age so I was used to voilence. We had out moments when we got on, but then something at school would go wrong and he'd hate me. It didn't help that I was promised a guitar for my birthday one year and because I never got it I obsessed over that, my school work slipped because all I could think about was this guitar I was going to have, and how perfect everything would be because I'd have this guitar, and that was the one thing I needed for a perfect life.

I started at high school aged 11. It was an all girls school and I'd never got on that well with other girls, I didn't make any friends while I was there, apart from one girl, who was being bullied. Big mistake. I ended up standing up for her when she was being chased and I couldn't get rid of her afterwards, people started roumers about us even though it was all untrue. The school refused to help me saying they didn't know how to deal with AS. I lasted 5 terms, dropping out durning the Easter break of Year 8 after throwing a padlock at another girl for calling me names.

I was out of education for about 9 months and I cut myself, but I probably developed depression sometime around primary school. I didn't realise at first, I was shaving my legs over the side of the bath with a razor and I saw the blood, I'd slashed my leg open. It didn't hurt but I felt better, I started to get into heavy cutting and everytime I tried to stop I ended up stressed, suicidal and tearful. I got placed at an Out of School Learning unit (OSL) about a year after dropping out of normal school. I wasn't sure what to make of it when I first went in. I was on indervidual tuition and wasn't sure how to speak to my teacher and I had trouble saying even the most basic things, such as "I'm stuck with times tables" to her. About a year after my cutting started OSL found out. I'd had a rough year, I was placed into a group with 3 other people my age and got kicked out for fighting, so I was with a diffrent teacher to the first one and I got on much better with her. She saw some scratchs on my arm that I said were from the guinea pig but she didn't belive me and asked me to remove the sweat band from my wrist, only to find the sweat band was hiding loads of scars and cuts. They told my parents I was sent off to a shrink and I came back labeled as an 'attention seeker' only to find out later that the shrink didn't take the AS or whatever it is I have into account. A while later I overdosed and was sent off to another shrink who said I was depressed but I have ups too, I have suicidal tendancys and I obsess over guitars a little too much to be normal.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer around the time I started cutting. He died in April of this year. I wished him dead so many times.

My pet guinea pig died of cancer too. I miss the guinea pig more than my dad.

When I was 14 I got my first guitar but it was no good. I hated it and couldn't play it because my hands were too small and because of having small hands I can't play classical (nylon strug) guitars. It took me until October to get a guitar I could play and from there I learnt really quickly. I now have 5 guitars, including my dad's and the one I can't play. I'm still not happy and want more guitars convinced one will make my life perfect. I don't know why I think this I just do.

Some people think I could've developed depression because I had AS but I'm not sure. I'm trying to recover from all of it but I sometimes feel I need to cut. Starting cutting was the biggest mistake ever but I didn't exactly choose to start, it just happened. Two years ago I was cutting daily, but now I'm down to fortnightly sometimes I got three months.

I'm not really sure why I posted this.

All i Can Say is *Free Hug*

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time, Andi. I'm glad you have your guitars to give you something positive to focus on. I'm also glad that you've been able to reduce your cutting, although I'm sorry you're still feeling depressed. I really hope you're getting some proper counselling and support.

Welcome to Wrong Planet. People are very understanding here, so I'm glad you posted, even if you're not sure why you did.

Take care. Jenny

Hello, and welcome to the Wrong Planet, Andi.

Hi Andi, and Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hy Andi, welcome to Wrong Planet. If you ever have anything you wanna share the people here tend to be understanding so feel free.

Thanks for all the greetings

Hello andi, that sounds like a horrible situation which you have been in and it's very good that you are emerging from the other side.
I have to admit that being depressed with aspergers really does suck and even though I didn't get into cutting, I believe I would have if I had stayed depressed.
From the account of your story it sounds like you are british and I have to sympathise with you as I believe that the school system over here just isn't effective for individuals with asperger syndrome.
Whilst I was at school I wasn't allowed to say what I believed my needs were and was just shoved to the back and accused of mannipulating the situation. This definetly was not the case and I was just trying to get it so I had full time support in P.E (There were huge problems with bullying in this area due to my poor coordination as a result of dyspraxia) and getting exams on my own.
Now I am at college and enjoying it a lot more. I still get full time support but she just sits away from me and is there when I need her, which is great as it doesn't patronise me in any way.
How old are you now by the way?

I'm 15 now and I'm starting college in September. I haven't heard about any support yet for college, I don't know if they offer it.

well it's too late to apply for it now anyway. Just make sure your tutors are awear of your aspergers and you should be fine.

Nobody's ever said much about it. I was never offered help for it at high school either and that's probably when I needed it the most.

I was having a convosation with someone on MSN about people who had annoying names, like "going to kill myself now" and that sort of thing, without realising I'd been banned from an exclusive forum he runs. Xoana is me, and Colin was the person I was talking to.

Hi, Andi. I'm sorry you've been banned from that forum. I think that Colin was trying very hard to explain to you why other people react to you the way they do. He was also getting frustrated about you having a negative attitude most of the time. He was trying to be honest and helpful, but I don't think he understands why you behave the way you do. Does he know that you have Asperger's and the effect that has on your interactions with other people.

Like Colin, I'm NT and I also have an online friend with AS. I found a lot of my friend's behaviour and ideas quite hard to understand until I realised why he was acting that way. Now it's a lot easier because I know more about Asperger's and I understand him a lot better.

At the end of the MSN conversation you didn't reply to Colin for a whole 12 minutes. That's a long time and I think he felt that you'd just cut him off- that's why he says "and so it ends". My friend with AS used to do things like that to me- just go without saying good-bye, and I used to find it hurtful- NTs expect some sort of good-bye, even just "GTG" will do.

I think Colin would be prepared to talk with you again- he sounds very understanding. You may need to explain to him about Asperger's, though, or tell him to Google it to find some information. Otherwise he may think that you behave this way because you're rude rather than because you can't help it.

If you want to be allowed back onto that forum, Colin may let you back on once he understands you better. You may also have to change your behaviour on the forum so that you don't upset others. You could ask Colin to explain what you need to do.

I hope this helps, Andi. I hope you can sort this all out- it sounds like you're trying hard. Best wishes, Jenny

Thanks, I wasn't sure what to say to him so I just stopped talking. He does know about the AS stuff. To be honest I'm not botherd about the forums, I keep getting banned anyway and nobody ever says what I've done wrong. They used to e-mail me when I got banned but now they expect me to know even though they know about the AS and that I don't understand people.

Thanks Jenny.