Telling Others? (Especially Parents)

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Hi, everyone!

I have a question. (And I would greatly appreciate advice if any would like to share.)
For those of you who are offically diagonised with Aspergers, how did you let your parents know that something was/is wrong (well not wrong, but different) with you?

(That's the question. Below is what I need advice on.)
I've known for years that something was different with me, but I never really connected it to anything until this year. I figured it was a sacrifice - somewhere along the line I had given up learning social skills in order to be intellegent in school and that's why it's so hard - impossible really - for me to make friends. That my zoning out and random obbessions had to do with writing, and nothing else. That my constant twirling of my hair (because I didn't have any string), which absorbs me so much more than any lesson, was just a quirk that would work itself out in time. That I was just shy, quiet, and somewhere along the line I missed how to talk to people and how to read body language. That the way I could hear almost anything, no matter how far away, was just the same as how some people can add numbers quickly. That I was just increadably ungraceful. The list goes on, but I won't go into all of it right now.

This year, I read an article about people with Aspergers, and I don't know, it just clicked. It interested me. It seemed so much like me. I did tons of research on it, read dozens of articles, visited dozens of sites. I even found a test that some physologist (still can't spell, sorry) made concerning Aspergers. 80% of all diagonised Aspies scored at least 32. I scored way above 32. I even found the offical sheet conerning symptoms, the ones that phychologists use to diagnois people. I fit every single symptom.
I am an Aspie. I'm certain of it. I know it's wrong to self-diagnois, but I fit every single symptom, and it just makes so much sense. It explains so much.
The problem is offical diagnois. There's a doctor (given up on the proper word, can't even come close to spelling it correctly) who specializes in Aspergers and Autism about 20 minutes away. I'd like to get an appointment, to make if offical, just for closure, and maybe for advice.
But I can't do it without my parents. And I don't know how to tell them. I mentioned Aspergers to my mother, and she seemed really interested...but when I told her about the test (the 32 one), and how high I scored, she laughed and said I shouldn't worry. The very first time I tried to tell her something was wrong, way before I had ever heard of Aspergers, she yelled at me and said I just wanted to be different. I don't. I want to be normal, but I know it's impossible. I want to be able to comminucate with people.
My dad...I don't even want to try. He's very stubborn and very ... misinformed about such things. He once made the comment that people with Autism are stupid - which they aren't! - but I couldn't persuade him otherwise. For his daughter to be an Aspie? He'd hate me.
I don't have any "trusted adults" who live any closer than California, and trust me, a call to CA shows up on our phone bill. There are no teachers I trust enough, and the school counsler is an absloute twit. He probably has never even heard of such a thing. And if he had, I'd be thrown into some special class dealing with self esteem or something. Not a good route to take.
So, I'm stuck. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be yelled at again; I want to be taken seriously.
Advice, please? I'd be forever grateful.

Perhaps you could contact threm by email, IM, or Sykpe.



Possibly not. Or possibly he has. If you don't approach him aboujt it, you won't find out.



If your parents aren't prepared to accpet that you're an aspie, there's not really anything you can do about it. But at least you will be taken seriously here.

Thank you.

LadyCass

The reason the doctor wants to talk to your parents, is he wants to find out what you were like as a child. He also wants to see what your parents are like. It makes things easier for him. There is a high chance that your parents, one or both, are aspie to some degree also.

The first thing you have to do is stop thinking like you're broken or something is wrong. You have strengths and weaknesses - like everybody does. If you're aspie - you have the bonus that some psychologists have studied your particular set of traits and written blueprints for using the strengths and mitigating the weaknesses.

I haven't told my mum yet. I'm worried that she will think it means she's been a bad parent. I told my sister (who is a qualified psych) and she didn't believe me, but she admitted she didn't know much about aspergers. The way I told her was I asked if she knew anything about it, I was doing some research. And when she said why - I said I think I have it. I did tell her at the end of our conversation that it runs in families. So hopefully she will do the research herself and see what I'm talking about.

It's supposed to be rare - but I see it lots in my family, and in most of my close friends. I think I picked my friends for being geeky and weird like me.

If your mum is sympathetic - you could take just her and not your dad. Or you could tell the doctor that your parents are unavailable. My dad is dead, so he's very unavailable.

Some aspies take the news very badly. They don't like being told there is something wrong with them. I don't agree with this interpretation. But it's best if you can devise some way of getting your parents interested in the subject. Why people do what they do is often an interesting subject for baffled aspies. And get them to do their own research and decide for themselves. And then you will get them along to the doctor.

In the meantime - before you stress out your parents you could still go to this doctor for the advice in making the most of your strengths and mitigating your weaknesses, and you could ask your doctor how to approach the subject - how would he tell some adult aspies that their child might have aspergers and could they help with the diagnosis. Is there questions you could ask them so you get the info for him but you don't have to tell them? Does he really have to see both parents? And really - you are an adult now, couldn't you do this independently of your parents?

Stop for a minute and try to figure out exactly what good a clinical diagnosis would be for you. Your dad sounds like he would be happier not knowing about any of this. Your mom probably thinks that getting you diagnosed would be like giving you a license to act like a total weirdo. And if you really do show ALL the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome as you claim, that probably means you DO occasionally do stuff just to spite her, am I right? A diagnosis wouldn't win you any popularity contests at school, and if there's anyone else's opinion you care about, I don't see a mention of them in your post.

At least you know what's going on now, and you know about WrongPlanet; that's probably the best help you're going to get. Lots of aspies are undiagnosed, so don't worry about anyone here thinking less of you because it isn't "official." If you say you are here, then that's how we'll treat you, simple as that.

I do have a few suggestions. First, if you think talking to a headshrinker would be good for you, then just ask your mom if you could see one a few times. Leave AS out of it. You can always bring that up to your psychologist once you're in there. Second, if you want to find an adult to talk to in person who knows about AS, consider talking to a special-needs teacher at your school (I'm assuming you're in regular classes presently). Trust me, they're not trying to drag new kids into special ed classes, they're trying to figure out ways to get the ones they already have out. (That sentence reads a lot more evil typed out than it sounded in my head! I just mean that the teacher isn't going to go running to the principal, demanding that you get reassigned to her/his class.) Finally, if the Asperger's Syndrome specialist is close to your home, then I presume s/he's close to your school as well, and since AS affects children most heavily, I bet your counselor does know a little about all this. Though if he's a weenie, then I say talk to the SpEd teacher first. Usually they're cool people (in their job, you kinda hafta be), and they like talking to the more normal students when the opportunity arises.

I'm 15, and not legally an adult yet. I'm not even 15 and a half yet, so I don't have my permit.



I'm in advanced classes presently. And while that sentence did sound vaugely evil, I know what you mean. I'm not worried about being pulled into special eds classes (although I'd rather I wasn't), I just want advice, primarily on how to deal with social situations.
And yes, I do do things to spite my parents. More my father than my mother, but yes.

Thank you both for your advice. I apperciate it.

Glad I could help, and I hope we'll be hearing more from you in the future.

I also wanted to apologise for using the term "headshrinker" in my earlier post. I was worrying about using the word "psychologist" over and over again, and so I rather flippantly decided to change the word there. It seemed funny at the time, but after I posted it, I worried that you might think I was putting down psychologists, or worse, those who seek professional counseling. Far from it. It was just a stupid stylistic choice on my part.

And honestly, I had a feeling you were going to write back saying that you were actually in advanced classes (brains are one of the best symptoms of AS!); I just omitted that possibility for brevity's sake.

Hope things work out for you; post again soon!

it kinda went like this:

*watching law and order*

me: hey that guy is kinda like me...
mom: yeah he is.
me: no i mean REALLY like me!
b.d. wong on tv: i believe he has somethign called aspergers syndrome
me: *gets on the computer* mom! read this!

I don't have any advice LadyCass, but I know where you're coming from. I'm 29 years old, self-diagnosed with AS a few years ago. I've never told my parents because I'm sure the news wouldn't be well received. In my family it seems like it's ok for my parents to come up with ideas like AS, but if I were to bring it up myself then I'd get the "it's all in your head, there's nothing wrong with you..." etc speech. Even if I did tell them, to get a diagnosis the biggest hurdle would be my doctor. Around here if you want to see a psychologist (or any other kind of specialist) you have to get a referral from your regular doctor and I think my doctor would laugh me out of his office if I went to him for something like this. (He's old and retiring soon, that's why I haven't bothered to look for a different doc. He's been my doctor all my life, I'll find a new one when he retires.) For myself though, I don't really see much point in getting diagnosed. I don't think I would gain much from it at this point in my life. Hanging around places like this forum is good enough for me for now... maybe your situation is different though and a dx would be good? Like I said I don't have any advice or suggestions but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with the parent thing - your post sounded very familiar to me.

im adopted and mum told me not long ago that when i was 5 she hd me 'checked out' for autism as i was often in my own world etc etc
but i didnt respond to the doctors and stayed in my own world so they didnt diagnose me with anything
i didnt tell myself apart from the other children at school before i was 11 becuase i had friends and things then
when i went to upper school all the bullying began and my head teacher (aparently - this is what mum told me not long ago) wouldent let me stay at school and should go to a special school
but my mum faught him and made him give me a full time support teacher in class so that i could stay. there wasnt anything wrong with my educatio or understanding of education.. it was all because i didnt behave right
i wasnt a trouble maker but i lashed out if people bulled me - which they did all the way up school. i kicked alot of people and made them bleed which made me happy- serves them right for picking on me , also threw chairs even a desk once! stabbed people with pens and compasses- all because they bulied me and called me names.

a couple of m close friends whom id known a while metioned they thik i have AS and when i got my own computer i researched alot and thought hey maybe they are right,
i didnt take any further action tilll last year and i to see a neuro-psychologist who asked me alot of quesions about my life and made me do all sorts of tests on the ability to recognise faces, and problem solving and remembering numbers and stuff over a few visits
and finally 3 weeks ago i was diagnosed with AS


but everybody kind of knew it already


i arranged with my doctor to be referred to the neuro psychologist in the 1st place.. i england anyway when ur over 16 u can go the doctors and ask them thins and be referrredwithout your parents having to know about it.

but i did tell mum and dad whowerent sure at all that i was an aspie they thought i as tryin to make myself out to be somethig im not so that people would feel sorry for me.... which is Bulls//T
so that id know for sure thaqt my problems arent because of me being in my own world when i was small i talked to nobody interacted with nobody evern tho other children were around.... id just slap them if thy tried to take my toys and that was it for human interation till i was about 7

Right, so first off, thanks to everyone who replied.

Secondly, I finally talked to my mom about it this afternoon. (While driving so she couldn't just get out and leave.) I needed to get a jacket or shawl for a church ceremony next week, and we found one that a lot of strings on it. And she said it was cute but I'd have all the strings frayed before church was even over because I'd play with them so much. I took the opening, and started talking. I managed to list a good deal of the symptoms before she really understood what I was getting at, and when she did, she actually thought about it.

And, for whatever reason, she believes me this time. She actually drew the connection to my father, as he displays some of the same symptoms before I mentioned that it tended to run in families. She asked if it could be cured, and I said no, not really, so she said that if it couldn't be cured then we wouldn't bother with an offical diagnois. But she believes me, and she said it makes sense and that it explains a lot about me.

So it's over. (!) And all my worrying was for nothing, but that's ok. Once again, thanks to everyone who replied.